“Fuck,” I’d whispered.
And so, with the picture of Lior and Colin Graydon burned into my brain, I’d decided it was finally time for that vacation I was always saying I was going to take.
If I could just get past the dinners out alone, I figured I’d be okay.
I glanced at the families and couples sitting around me, laughing and talking over shared meals and drinks sparkling under the overhead lights.
There was an older man and woman one table over, sharing that secret sort of smile one shares with a lover. I imagined what Lior might say if she were here. If she’d notice the elegance of the couple. Or maybe the woman’s beautiful sapphire-colored dress and how she kept touching her ear. A nervous habit? Were they on a first date?
I looked at the empty chair across from me, wishing Lior were there. Missing her messy buns and stained sweatshirts. But before I got too deep into my feelings, I recalled the image in the newspaper and was immediately angry.
“You can run, but you can’t hide,” I whispered and raised my hand to the waiter to indicate I needed another drink.
My first therapy appointment was at four p.m. on my third day in Amsterdam, where I’d been meandering the streets, staring down canals, marveling at the picturesque city that at once felt large but quaint, and taking pictures of all of it. I’d seen sunrises from bridges while drinking my morning cappuccino, and sunsets while enjoying a beer from one of the many pubs.
I’d found the therapist, Novi, through a friend of a friend when joking over text that I’d be in Amsterdam and if they knew of anyone I could see while I was there to let me know.
And now here I was.
“What brings you to me today?” she asked in a beautiful accent.
I had low expectations that I could be healed in the few sessions I’d set up, but it was a step in the right direction and, if I felt it was helping, I’d find a therapist in Brooklyn to continue my self-help journey.
Novi looked to be around my stepmother’s age and had a no-nonsense feel to her as she waited for me to answer the question.
“I’m taking a solo vacation. A me-only vacation. I thought bike rides through fields of tulips and drinking bottles of wine by myself could only be enhanced with a side of therapy.”
The pleasant smile on her face didn’t move. Maybe humor was frowned upon in Amsterdam.
“I think I’m addicted to narcissists,” I said.
She nodded and her smile transformed into something I recognized. Empathetic. I inhaled and let the breath out slowly, my body sinking into the sofa I was seated on. I suddenly felt less alone. She’d heard this tale before.
“Narcissists usually have a few stand-out traits,” she said. “They are very charming. They love to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. They need a lot of praise, aren’t very empathetic, and don’t usually have a lot of long-term friends.”
She had ticked each point off on her fingers and I had nodded along as she stated each one.
“I assume some if not all of that resonates by the way you’ve been nodding your head?” she asked.
“You assume right.”
“And you’ve found yourself with people like this… more than once?”
“Three times. The only women I’ve been in serious relationships with have had those traits.”
“So then we need to ask the question… why do you think you’re choosing to be with people with those traits?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I had a great childhood but I was never particularly confident and really quite shy, preferring books and movies to socializing. I was a good-looking kid, but because I was shy I didn’t respond in kind to female attention and I started to get labeled as weird. And then gay. And then a dork. And then a loser. But during my junior year of high school I found a love of three things: running, working out… and Elizabeth Bristol. She was on the school’s gymnastics team and often in the gym in the mornings. She started talking to me and I was hooked. She drew me in, asked questions about me, seemed interested as I prattled on about the book I was reading, asked what I’d thought at the time were insightful questions, and made me feel seen. Finally. I blossomed under her attentions.”
“Did something happen?” Novi asked.
“She wanted all my time. I didn’t realize it at first, but I was suddenly abandoning books for gymnastics meets and movie outings with my parents to do whatever she wanted to do.”
“That’s not out of the norm when you get in a relationship though. Making sacrifices is something we all do.”
“True but… this was different. I even knew it then, but she had a way of pulling me back in when I started to retreat.”
“She was a snake charmer,” Novi said.
