And I'm out of the shower.
I lived a good life when I didn't care about anything.
Nyx ruined all of it.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Nyx
Love Me Wrong – Isak Danielson
He left the bathroom without bringing me back to the room of nightmares. I wrap a towel around myself and go to the bedroom we'd been sharing for weeks. He bought me a ton of new clothes after I lost everything in the fire. I put on a hoodie, some simple panties, and a pair of straight jeans before heading downstairs.
My entire body is sore, but I couldn't care less. It's my mind that's in true pain. Achilles came after me. He saved me after I betrayed him, and he doesn't only hate me for it. He hates himself.
I find him sitting at the table in the kitchen with a book, but his eyes aren't even moving. There's a cook who just finished making dinner. He's packing up everything, and there are glass containers full of food stacked on top of each other. The cook nods at me as he leaves and closes the kitchen door behind him, leaving us in a silence that weighs heavily on me.
"Achilles," I hesitate as I approach. "Please, can we talk?"
He closes the book, puts it on the table, and rests a hand on top of it.
"Why?" he asks. "What do you think it will achieve? Excuses? Pointing fingers?"
"No, I—" I cut myself off. What I want to achieve isn’t possible. I want him to trust me again.
"Do you know what happened the day Sophie's mom showed up at my door?"
I shake my head, feeling cold to my core.
"I was about to hang myself."
My heart sinks to my stomach. He said it in such a simple way that I’m not sure I fully understand.
"W-What?"
It shouldn't even come as a surprise. Achilles hasitinside him. That black hole that constantly swallows any chance at happiness. That demon that sits on your chest at night and whispers that life isn't worth living. He's got a storm of pain in his mind, and it shows in the way he struggles to get excited about life. In fact, he struggles to feelanything.
"Were you ever truly happy since what happened to you, Nyx?"
He lets the question hang, but I don't think he’s expecting an answer.
"That day, in France, I hadn't felt happiness since I was nine years old. There hadn't been a spark of hope in my body since my father put his hands on me. I thought the divorce was going to help, leaving the US, following my mom somewhere far from him. But it didn't. And that's where the true hollowness hit me. There was no coming back from what happened to me, and all I was capable of was shaping my life around that event. But I hated the shape it took."
His eyes stay on the book as he plays with the corner of the cover with his thumb. His voice isn't wavering; there's nohesitancy in it. It's Achilles's usual numb tone. The meaning of that numbness sinks in deeply.
"I wasn't ready to go, but I was ready to feel anything other than pain. The despair within me was overwhelming. Everything was prepared. All I had to do was, well, die. Someone rang the door to our apartment, and I decided to check who it was. Probably because I was more desperate to cling onto life than I thought. It was a girl from a random night out. And when she came up, she had a newborn with her. My baby girl was barely a few weeks old."
He looks up at me. "And suddenly, I didn't want to leave anymore. Suddenly, the detachment, the dullness…they were gone. Like anesthesia starting to run out in my body. We did a paternity test, and I decided to keep her since her mother couldn’t care for her. For two years, I studied in Paris while my mom took Sophie to the South of France. I'd visit once a week, and I watched my daughter become my sister so we could protect her. Because if there's one thing I knew, and still do, it’s that I'll never let what happened to me happen to her."
I'm closer to him now, taking slow steps as I approach him. My heart’s heavy, anchoring me to his every word.
"But then my dad started looking for me. The Circle found me in Paris, and I couldn't take the risk of them finding out about Sophie, so I came back. I didn't come back alone to Stoneview. The hopelessness and misery came back with me." He chuckles to himself. "Everyone’s always so quick to label meuninterestedand blasé and arrogant, but no one ever wondered why nothing in life can make me smile. Nothing made me feel that spark inside or gave me that will to live. I've always been an empty shell."
I'm right in front of him now, and I kneel between his legs. He instinctively pushes my damp fringe out of my eyes.
"Until you."
The finality of that statement drives the knife of betrayal deeper into my chest. It's my own betrayal, so surely, I'm the one holding the hilt.
