My head falls back as I bite my lower lip, trying to stop myself from smiling at how smart she is.
"You're good, aren't you?"
"You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, Achilles. I didn't."
"I got things out of you that you didn't want to share. I used different means than you, that's it."
"Maybe I was just waiting for someone to get them out of me."
"Nyx," I say sternly. "You're excusing behavior you shouldn't. I did things to you that you can't excuse."
She cocks an eyebrow. "I'm not. Firstly, because I can't forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness. Secondly, I don't need to excuse everything in my life to move forward. I don't need to forget and forgive. I don't need revenge. I don't need any of that to love. I can love people who hurt me because I see past it. Maybe because I put them before me, and maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I was only hurting myself all along. But this is where I'm at. I see the good in those who aren't always good. Even those who are rarely good, like you or my dad. I love my father even after everything he’s put me through. The truth is, I even miss him." She looks me dead in the eyes when she adds, "And I love you. That's my choice. I don't need yours or anyone else's judgement."
"I'm not judg?—"
"You were judging me. You think after everything you did to me that I shouldn't love you. That I'd be stupid to. Why don't you worry about the choicesyoumake and let me worry about mine. I do what feels right for me. Do the same."
What I'd give to have the bravery Nyx Mayer carries within herself.
"Okay," I whisper. "I'll do what feels right. I want to tell you things."
"What things?"
It's her silence that nudges me. She’s not waiting, just giving me all the time I need. And it’snotbeing forced that gets me to talk.
I run my tongue across my teeth, taking a second to figure out which I want to say first.
"I miss Sophie. I miss her all day, every day. There's a hole in my heart knowing that she's growing up, has a life, and I'm not in it."
Her face falls, because I don't think that's what she expected first. That kind of vulnerability is a lot to swallow.
"Why can't you be in her life?"
"Because…" I suck in a slow, deep breath. "Because it took everything for my mom to escape my dad. He's powerful, he's controlling, he's abusive. He hurt her. He hurt all of us. She got away, and she can't come back. It's too risky, especially when he's got the backing of the Circle and she's got nothing."
She takes a moment to process the mess of words I blurted out. They're barely sentences because I'm not used to saying those things out loud.
"Your mom left for France because she was escaping your dad." She reconnects the dots. "When was that?"
"The summer after I graduated high school. I left with her. The divorce was messy. He did everything in his power to findher and to stop it from happening. But all he could do was find me while I studied in Paris. Mom lives somewhere else."
Her eyebrows pinch together when I don't tell her where my mother is. It's not that I don't trust her, but my dad has ways of getting information out of people. I can't risk it.
"But they came back. I saw them on the North Shore, that day behind the diner."
"Yeah, my dad was on a trip to China. I sent the jet to Paris and back. They didn't even stay the night. My mom was too scared."
"And Sophie is four."
I nod.
"So she could be your dad's?"
"It doesn't matter whose she is. He can't find her. He could hurt her. That man has no limits." I pause, my heart picking up. "What if he…" But I lose myself in the question. No matter how badly I want Nyx to have the answer, just like she's had the answers to all my other pains.
Her presence, her soul, her pureness, cannot fix everything.
When I look up, her eyes are wide as saucers.
