"I can tell you a lot of things to reassure you right now," he says seriously.
I look for softness in his tone, but it's not there. There’s safety in his usual flat voice, though.
"I could tell you that Chase was not only abusive and used it against you, but he was also a tragically uneducated man. He could never have reassured you on something he didn't understand, and that probably bruised his toxic ego."
He wipes the tear that falls and continues. "I could tell you that according to statistics around four to five percent of people who report rape will talk about orgasming. But we're talking about people whoreport, which is already so rare. And we're also talking about something so shameful that you can only imagine how different the real number is. Just like everything that bothers society, there's only tiny research on it. Therapists who work with sexual assault victims are saying just under half of their patients mention it. Do you realize how huge that is?"
His gaze intensifies as my heartbeat slows. I didn't know any of this.
"I can get into the science of it, if you'd like," he says matter-of-factly. "But it's terribly boring. Scientists are considering the fact that orgasms could come from the autonomic nervous system."
"You're getting med school on me," I say weakly, but I enjoy the faint smile it creates on his lips.
"It means that it's something our bodies do for us. Just like you don't control sweating or your heart rate. It just happens. There's a trigger, and your body responds."
"Right," I sniffle, and he caresses my cheek some more.
"But I know none of this will make you feel better, Nyx." His voice drops, and for the first time, I can sense the shift in his vulnerability. "So, I'll tell you the one thing that might."
I'm human, I'm empathetic, I'm linked to Achilles in some ways, and I feel the revelation coming as fast and deadly as a train about to crush me to dust.
"Orgasming during rape happens." He licks his lips, and I can feel him fighting to not drop his gaze. He keeps it on me to give me the strength I need, no matter how much it takes from him. "I did."
That's when I know. That Achilles Duval doesn't care about anything in life because he's already seen the worst of it. Hewalks around with a secretive smile because there's no bigger secret than the one he keeps. The way he behaves is not some sort of arrogance. It's depression. He could die tomorrow, and it would be a deliverance for him.
Tonight is the night I understand that him telling me his secret is not only to make me feel better. It's because he's starting to have hope. Hope that life can become better if we go through it together. One broken moment at a time. Each jagged piece of our souls coming together in perfect harmony.
I wrap my hand around his on my cheek and move it gently until it's against my mouth. Kissing his palm, I look up at him.
"You're safe," I whisper, like he did earlier. "I'm here."
I say the words, but I know deep down that I'll be the end of this man. And that loving me, because I know that's what this is, will be the biggest mistake of his life.
"Now," he says softly. "About the Circle."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nyx
The First Time – Damiano David
Iexplode in a stupid giggle the second Peach’s and Ella's faces fall. Next to them, Alex's eyes have turned heart shaped.
"You have got to be kidding me," Peach chokes out. "Like,finishedfinished?"
I shake my head. "No, he says he's got some stuff he wants to add, but almost finished."
"You're a muse," Ella says dreamingly. "You made Achilles compose again. I can't believe it."
Alex hugs the decorative pillow she's got on her lap, her hazel eyes blinking slowly as she observes me. We're sitting in one of the common rooms in the castle, using an entire corner to ourselves. It's one of the only rooms with enough gothic windows to let in the natural lighting. Outside, the end-of-October rain batters against the stained glass, and a shiver runs down my spine.
It's been three perfect weeks with Achilles. We go to campus during the day, but spend every evening and weekend holed up at his lake house. Practicing the violin with him has always beena dream, but the fact that it usually ends with us naked and testing some new limits sexually is something I could’ve never imagined.
There's so much more than sex and music. That alone is crazy to say, but to think that Achilles and I share what was once a shameful secret is almost unbelievable. He hasn't shared anything about his sexual assault except what he admitted that night. Still, the shame has been taken away, for both of us, and we've been free to explore who we are outside of the trauma that forged us.
And then there's the Circle. He taught meeverything. A little more every day. His dad is calledZeusbecause he's the leader. And there are three board members. Every year, new recruits try to initiate, and they have to bring a woman with them. She'll either become a Hera, their future wife, or an Aphrodite, who become sex toys for the Shadows. The Shadows are the initiated members. There's so much they control, things I can’t even begin to wrap my head around. Achilles shared many things he was supposed to keep to himself. Roles of their members, his friends. I know a lot about people from this university, mainly that Achilles said he’d never join, which is why his dad can't know about us.
"So…" Peach shifts closer to me. "What's Achilles like when he's not an asshole?"
