“Do you feel in control of your life?”
I laugh abruptly, then catch myself. “Sorry,” I mumble. “I mean… I just got married as part of a business arrangement.”
Dr. Turov nods, zero judgement in her eyes. “I work quite closely with a lot of people in the mafia world, Dove. I get it. How do you feel about the marriage?”
I shrug. “I… I don’t know. Different now than I did before.”
“Different how?”
I look down at my hands. “I guess…not as angry or trapped as I was before?”
She nods. “Was that due to a shift in your own thinking, or was it external?”
“I think it’s…” I shrug. “I guess it’s that Bane—Nikolai Antonov’s son, my husband…” I make a face. “You already know all that.”
She just smiles.
I take a shaky breath. “Did you know Bane used to date my dead best friend?”
She hesitates just long enough to let me know she does.
“Nikolai told you?”
She smiles. “I’m afraid I can’t discuss what I talk about with other patients, but, yes, I’m aware of the history between Bane and your friend Lark.” She takes a deep breath. “I think we’re wading intofardeeper waters than we’ll have time for in just this short session, but is that something you want to talk about in future?”
“Yes?” I frown. “No?” I laugh a little. “I don’t know. I mean, it bothers me, but it also doesn’t. Or I guess, it bothered me morebefore. Now, I think she’d just get a kick out of the fact that I’mmarriedto the guy.”
Dr. Turov smiles as she nods. “Good, give me a little more of that. What do you feel when you look at Bane?”
I know what Ishouldfeel. Fear, maybe. Guilt,definitely. Apprehension that he unlocks this vicious, dangerous side of me. And yet?—
“Safe.”
The word drops completely uninvited from my lips. Once it’s out there, though, warmth spreads through my chest and a smile creeps over my lips.
“I feel safe with him. I feel…protected. Desired, needed, built up, heard…” I stop abruptly as the words just start pouring out. Heat floods my face and I bite my lip, looking up at her. “Sorry, I…”
“How does it feel to say all that out loud?” she asks softly.
“Good,” I swallow. “Great, actually.”
And that warmth inside my chest takes hold, growing, welcoming me into its embrace as I realize how true every single word is.
“I haven’t felt those things in…” I sigh. “I don’t remember if I’veeverfelt them.”
Dr. Turov flashes a genuine smile at me. “I’m truly happy for you, Dove. I think you deserve to feel all those things, especially with someone you’ve just married.” She glances down at her notes, then the wall clock. “We don’t have a full session today: this is just an introduction. But if you’d like to keep seeing me?—”
“Definitely,” I say quickly.
For sure. I feel more open right now in the fifteen minutes I’ve been here than I have in ages.
“Me too,” she grins. “Now, quickly, I do want to ask you about the meds you’re taking.” Her brows knit as she glances at her notepad. “I’m going to be honest with you, I’m a little shocked by what you’re on, and especially the dosages.” Her brow furrows even deeper, her nose wrinkling a little. “Two hundred milligrams of Zoloft,sixof risperidone, twenty of Lexapro,along withbuspironeandlorazepam…” She looks at me with concern. “Sixteen hundredof lithium?”
I smile weakly. “Is that…a lot?”
Dr. Turov exhales slowly, puffing out her cheeks as she sits back in her chair. “Honestly, Dove, I’m amazed you can even carry on a conversation, being on that much lithium. And all of it together…I worry about interactions.” She frowns. “How do you feel without them?”
I choke out a small laugh. “I…don’t know. I’ve been medicated since I was…I'm not sure. My whole life, I assume?”
