My hands still on my boot laces. Oh. Not what I was expecting, and not sure what exactly he’s referring to. “Intense how?”
The blush on his cheeks deepens, the color now more a delicious crimson instead of a frail pink. He flings an arm over his eyes, hiding his face from me. “You know . . . the way it felt. Mostly good. But also overwhelming. Consuming.”
Something powerful stirs in my chest at his shy admission.
That I could show this beautiful, broken man some joy, makes me feel alive in ways that frighten me far more than anything the hell we live in has to offer. “It should feel good if you’re doing it right. And with the right person.”
Of course my dumbass is staring at him in hopes that last night meant something to him. That he might share the same feelings, because there’s no denying I’ve fallen for Devon.
I finish tying my boot then stand. “Should probably head out. But . . . you want me to stay awhile longer?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. Been trained to kill, am really good at it too. But putting myself out there like this makes me nervous.
Devon looks away, his scowl deepening in irritation or perhaps embarrassment. “No.”
One word.
One fucking word carves out a hollow space in my chest that I scramble to fill with hardness instead because I’m the biggest dumbass in the world. “Yeah, of course, you’ve got your ownpath. I’m gonna get going. But don’t let me catch you following me again.”
He turns and meets my eyes with that defiant glare I know so well. “You didn’t catch me last time.”
Devon’s insolent tone only twists the knife deeper. I bristle, hands clenching at my sides. “Yeah, well, now I’ll be watching for you. So don’t test me. Got it?”
He merely scoffs.
“Try me. You won’t like the punishment that’ll be doled out.” I infuse the warning with some real bite, trying to mask the hurt.
But he just turns his back on me. “Whatever, old man.”
Last night he was pliant in my arms, now he can’t get away from me fast enough. The whiplash leaves me reeling. Clearly I mean nothing to him beyond a means to survive another day.
Just a transaction, a deal to get what we each needed.
Fuck, I’m such a fool. As if I’ll ever find any real happiness is this fuckin’ hellhole we call Earth.
Fuckin’ moron.
I walk over to the nightstand and grab my gun then go downstairs, doing my best to ignore my heart, which still longs for the impossible. I leave some food on the table for him, and as I reach the entryway, Devon’s soft snores drift down from the bedroom upstairs, oblivious to the tempest he’s left raging within me.
With a deep, shaky breath, I heave my pack over my shoulder and stare at the picture of the family in the broken frame on the wall. They look happy.
After all these years, my foolish heart longs for the unrealistic, that happiness can still be found in this shithole world.
Gripping the straps of my pack tightly I open the door and step outside, forcing my feet to carry me down the overgrown path, away from the little cabin.
Time to get my head out of my ass, shove these feelings down deep, and refocus on surviving solo. No sense daydreaming about fantasies that’ll never happen.
Chapter 7
I trek through the morning, sun beating down on the open stretches of southern Vermont. Come midafternoon, I’m hunkering down under an old maple, giving myself a break from the heat.
The Allegheny Mountains, that’s where I’m heading.
Used to roam those parts with my team during the rare downtime we had. Never thought those same mountains would be my go-to in a world gone sideways.
The plan’s simple. Get to the Alleghenies first, use them as cover.
They’re familiar ground, safer than dodging trouble in the cities, and a good starting point before I head farther south. Winter’s a bitch and staying this far north just makes survival harder.
