Carlotta was tangled up with a gentleman suitor, dancing extremely close, as he spoke directly into her ear. She never ceased to amaze with her ability to attract a distraction for the evening.
Maren snorted in their direction. She wasn’t surprised either. “Me too. Come on.” She motioned to the large marble bar that was swarming with thirsty partygoers.
“Death in the Afternoon,” I said to the pretty female bartender who asked what I wanted, throwing my plan of staying relatively sober to the winds. I found myself wondering if she knew the mystery man from the roof. Somehow, I was still thinking about the encounter. The only upside to this was that it distracted me from how mad I was at Seff.
“Coming right up.” The bartender smiled and began mixing the poisonous looking cocktail. The green absinthe bottle gleamed eerily in the dim light. I knew this would be a mistake, but I was beyond caring. The night had been an unmitigated disaster so far. How could it get any worse?
Maren ordered the same.
“Cheers.” I paid for the drinks, leaving a decent tip for the bartender, and held my glass up to Maren. I downed it in two gulps. “Now let’s dance.”
The music swelled and clashed around us, as Maren and I spun like tops on the dance floor. I didn’t care what I looked like. I wanted to feel my body moving to the music; I relished in the rivulets of sweat streaming down my back, the slight pinch of my feet in my heels as I swung round and round and round. All the anger, the frustration, the grief that I had felt melted away as I moved my body. Movement was a cure-all. I could always find solace in motion and music.
Maren and I danced together for what felt like hours, rejecting any men who tried to get between us. Carlotta had, unsurprisingly, disappeared with her suitor. We would hear all about their encounter tomorrow. Carlotta’s appetite was insatiable. It was another one of the things I envied. I so wanted to be that free. To take what I wanted without any guilt or shame. But sex wasn’t without consequences, especially these days. I thought about the smoke rising over the Sequana. One mistake could be catastrophic. I took precautions againstpregnancy, but nothing was foolproof. The possibility had always given me pause.
When the music at last turned syrupy, the horns going from fast and frantic to slow and languid, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.
“May I interrupt?” It was Seff.
Maren held up her hands. “She’s all yours.”
I sighed deeply, turning to face him. I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. “One dance, Seff.”
He took my hand in his, placing the other on my lower back, and swept me into a slow dance. He was good at this—dancing. He’d been brought up inproper society;he knew how to sweep me off my feet. Even though this song was languid and sultry, the horns evoking a feeling of yearning, Seff led me through it like it was a courtly dance. As we rotated in place, I felt him heave a sigh.
“Well, tonight went about as badly as it could have gone.” Seff smirked.
“I don’t know, I could have set the table on fire,” I countered, my attempt at humour letting him know that I wasn’t angry anymore, and that I understood why it had happened the way that it had.
“I really hoped he’d at least be civil. I’m sorry.” I could feel his sincerity in the apology—in the way his hand pressed so firmly into my lower back.
“No, I’m sorry. You told me what he was like. I shouldn’t have taken it personally. I just needed some space. I’m alright, though.” And I was, I really was. It wasn’t Seff’s fault his father was an ass. I didn’t need to hold onto that anger. His father wasn’t in charge of Seff’s life, or mine. We would carry on as we chose, regardless of the viscount.
“Where did you disappear to? I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
“Just the ladies’ room,” I lied. I wasn’t entirely sure why. “It was the only place I knew you wouldn’t follow.”
He seemed satisfied with the response and pulled me closer. We danced for the rest of the song, and the next one and the one after that, and when they announced last call, and that the club would be closing, he took me by the hand and walked me out the door without a word.
Seff’s apartmentwas on the north side of the Sequana, near the giant cathedral that loomed, a solemn sentinel over the city. Even though it was late, we walked along the river hand in hand, taking our time. The wrought-iron street lights lining the walkway reflected off the water, casting golden glitter all over the black surface. Seff’s hand in mine was warm and firm, and any anger I had toward him earlier in the evening slipped away.
I knew what I wanted—I wanted him. It didn’t matter what his father said, or what anyone said for that matter. I knew what kind of person he was. And I was sure that we would make it together, no matter what life threw at us. There was just one piece missing, and I intended to put that piece into place tonight.
I wasn’t exactly virginal. There had been others before Seff—fumbling, and unskilled, and without much in the way of emotional connection. Even though I hadn’t been raised in the ultra conservative Church of Scion, I was still brought up amidst the messaging thatgood girlsdid not want sex. But I did. Iwanted.I craved release and connection, even though it was supposed to be wrong.I was trying not to push Seff too hard. I didn’t want him to think I wasthatkind of woman. But it was getting more difficult, the more time we spent together without taking that step. It was supposed to come easily.
I wasn’t entirely sure what he was waiting for: he was religious, but he said he’d had lovers before. He kept saying he was waiting for the right moment. It left me questioning how much he wanted me. How much he wanted this. At times, it messed with my head more than I would like to admit.
Tonight, though, seemed like as good a moment as any. If I had my way at least. The closer we drew to his walk-up apartment, the faster my heart beat. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Seff could hear it hammering away in my chest. Did he want me in that way? There was only one way to find out.
Eventually we approached the little walk-up by the river. It was clear that he was benefiting from his father’s fortunes. This place was nicer than anything Carlotta and I could afford. The white marble steps leading up to the front door seemed to beckon to me, and I took both of Seff’s hands in my own, turned around and pulled him up behind me.
“What are you doing?” He sighed, following somewhat reluctantly. He was hesitating again.
I raised my eyebrows, though I felt my stomach drop. Could I make him want me?
“I thought maybe you’d be interested in seeing what kind of scandalous underthings I’m wearing under this very, very proper dress.” I was feeling bold; perhaps the effects of that Death in the Afternoon had lingered.
Seff’s face turned feral, and he practically sprinted up the last few steps, fumbling with his keys to get into the door fast enough. It was like a switch had flipped. He went from keeping me at arm’s length to all in, in a moment. Whether it was my boldness or the fact that he had loosened up with a couple of cocktails as well, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care.
