The thought of Aife bedding a man sent a sudden and very unwelcome shard of displeasure up his spine. But was it any wonder? In just a few days, what he thought of her had undergone a drastic change. From friend she had become… He wasn’t quite sure what she had become, but he knew things would never be the same between them.
“Forgive me,” she started, her voice hesitant, “but I know that you can feel desire for a woman, and that your body responds accordingly. I have felt you go hard when you kissed me.”
Yes. His body definitely responded to her proximity. He was a young man, after all, and there was nothing broken within him. But it was not the same. With Aife there had been no expectations of performance. He had been able to enjoy their decadent kisses without worrying about what would come next.
“It does respond to a woman’s touch. But I fear, no, Iknowthat any desire I initially feel will vanish as soon as I see a naked woman in front of me.” He would always be reminded of the filthy widow offering herself so wantonly, her dirty body filled with another man’s seed. The issue was not with his body but in his mind. “In any case, it doesn’t matter. We should try to get some rest.”
Torsten sighed and turned his back to Aife, already knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.
This conversation had been a mistake. He’d thought to make her feel better but not only was he not sure it had worked, but he had made himself feel worse, exposed his failings to her, the last person he wanted to think ill of him. Though, come to think of it, if she was to hear about his lack of virility, it was perhaps better that she’d heard about it from him rather than Gudrun or some other villager. At least she would know where it originated.
Aife watched Torsten’s back a long moment. He was not moving, but she knew he was still awake, probably musing on the confession he’d made.
Her heart went out to him. He had wanted to make her feel better about being a virgin, but it wasn’t hard to guess that it would have been deeply humiliating for a man to admit to such a thing as being unable to bed a woman. She guessed that Sigrid’s friend had been the one he had tried to bed in the meadow, the one Gudrun had been told about. Had he heard the rumors staring to circulate about him? Probably. How awful for him to have his insecurities exposed for the whole village to comment on. It would only make it harder for him to overcome his doubts about his ability to perform. He was convinced he was unable to bed a woman, and hearing that everyone else thought the same would only comfort him in that belief.
But she could not help but think he was wrong.
His body was capable of responding and feeling desire, regardless of what he thought. She had felt him harden every time they’d kissed, as she’d just said, aroused and ready against her stomach. It had been wonderful, the proof that she was just as desirable as any other woman despite her lack of curves. Could she help him in turn? Make him see that it was all in his head, and that with a woman who didn’t demand anything, but only gave, who didn’t expose herself to him but saw to his pleasure, who didn’t expect him to do all the work and did not put pressure on him, he could perform?
She couldn’t be sure that was the case, of course, as she was even less experienced than he was in the art of lovemaking, but she thought it was worth a try. After all he’d done for her, it was the least she could do. He had helped her with Sven, with Edita, with her own insecurities, and today he had even saved her life. With his wonderful kisses he had given her back some of her confidence, and she ought to do the same.
Now she understood why he had never tried to push his advantage when they had kissed. Because he’d thought it could lead nowhere except to more disappointment.
Aife nestled close to Torsten, and wrapped an arm over his waist. He stiffened in surprise at the intimate gesture, but to her relief, he didn’t ask her to leave. For a moment she just let the warmth of their bodies mingle. When she felt him relax in acceptance of the embrace, she started to talk.
“I think it is perfectly normal that you could not bed the widow in town. The scene you described was horrendous. Any normal man would have reacted in the same way.” Of this she was certain. “And as to the other woman you tried to bed, unfortunately, she behaved in a way that reminded you of that night. You saw her offering herself in the same position, you had an image in your mind of what you had to accomplish and it was all too much.”
“Mm.”
Torsten didn’t sound so sure, but at least he didn’t contradict her. Aife let her words sink in a moment, then bit her lip, giving herself the courage to utter her next sentence.
“But you do know that lying between her legs is not the only way you could have your pleasure with a woman.”
Torsten turned his face to her, not enough to meet her gaze but enough to signal his interest. “What do you mean?”
What did she mean, Aife wondered? She wasn’t quite sure, having little to no experience of men herself. But she had heard of different positions and, of course, there were intimate caresses lovers could share.
“Have you ever brought yourself to release?”
“I… Yes.”
His voice was strangled, as if the admission was costing him. Or perhaps it was the way her hand had slid under the furs to land over his naked stomach that had rendered him speechless.A good sign. He was not indifferent to a woman’s touch.Hertouch.
Blood heated in her veins at the thought. Yes, if she was brave enough, this would be beneficial for both of them.
“Well, if you have managed to feel pleasure, then we can agree that your body is functioning properly. There is nothing wrong with you, only your mind will take you to dark places when it sees something that brings you back to that horrid night.”
Torsten made a sound she chose to take as an agreement and she felt the muscles under her palm bunch. Another good sign. Aife smiled in the darkness. This might work.
Emboldened by his reaction, she stroked him lightly, waiting for a sign of protest. When none came, she slid her hand lower. Mm, he was so warm, so smooth, so taut… Before he could stop her, she brought her mouth to his ear.
“But what if your eyes didn’t see anything? What if your mind didn’t dictate what happens? What if it did not worry about trusting the woman in bed with you? What if it allowed your body to just feel for once, and enjoy?”
“I… It—” The two words were little more than ragged breaths. He sounded like a man on the edge of his control. “I don’t think?—”
“Don’t think. Just feel.”
Aife pushed her hand under the fur he’d wrapped around his loins earlier. The knot loosened and the fur fell open. A moment later her hand landed on Torsten’s pulsing shaft. Her breath caught in her throat. He was hard. As hard as any man would ever be. Her body went as limp as his was taut.
