God, his side-profile is just as handsome as the rest of him. Strong, sculpted jaw, covered with that salt-and-pepper beard, his nose.
Now that I’ve seen it as Gus’s nose, I can’t unsee it. And I can’t stop thinking that this is what Gus will look like, when he’s Russell’s age. Finally, the other part of his biological puzzle.
We were always enough, the two of us, but this is something more. Something perfect.
And Russell is just going to let it go.
“I did,” he swallows, nodding, not meeting my eye. “And I meant what I said. I’ll pay your rent, his tuition, whatever?—”
I hiss out, a little too loudly, “I don’t want yourmoney, Russell. I want you. And you’re going to refuse to do the test because, what—you never really wanted us back?”
It tumbles out of me, hot and virulent, and I wait for him to deny it. I know—I knowit isn’t true. And Russell will deny it. Should deny it.
He will.
I know him, I know that he would never let that statement sit there, so wrong, so unfounded. He wants us. He’s made it clear, hasn’t he?
But Russell shocks me by rising from his seat slowly, intentionally, almost like a yoga instructor demonstrating the importance of self-control. Still not looking at me, he says, “I think I’ll go for a walk. Let me know if you hear anything about him.”
And with that, Russell turns and walks out of the waiting room. I sit, stunned, the aftershocks of what just happened still roaring through me.
I really am a stupid, clueless girl.
This whole time, I derided myself into thinking this thing between us was never more than fantasy. Than an elaborate ruse for money.
Just like my parents predicted a long time ago, I’m essentially selling my body.
And that’s all Russell has ever wanted from me.
Chapter 31
Russell
Itold Jules to let me know if she heard anything, but I get the page from Orie before she hears from the hospital’s notification system.
He’s in the recovery room,Orie texts.Doing well.
Gus’s surgery goes perfectly.
I read the notes as I look for Orie, and when I find him in the locker room, I grill him while he’s changing. Maybe I’m a little too direct with the questions about his approach and finish, but I have to be sure.
I need to assure myself that it was the right decision to have my friend do the surgery instead of doing it myself. The longer Jules and I kept that thing up, and the closer I got to her and Gus, the more I realized it would be an ethical dilemma for me to operate on him.
So, I was already in the process of briefing Orie on Gus’s case, making sure he would be able to do the surgery to the same quality as I could. Then, after that day in the park, I knew there was no chance I could literally hold Gus’s heart in my hands.
Orie runs me through the surgery from skin to skin.
Gus’s abnormality—the hole in his heart—really was a small one, and Orie did a great job fixing it. There wasn’t a singlecomplication—which tracks. Orie is a good surgeon. I knew that, and I know that, but it’s hard to get it through your head when you’re watching the kid you’ve come to care a lot about get rolled away into the OR, and you have no control over how things go.
“Now,” Orie says, slamming his locker shut and turning to me, eyebrows raised nearly into his scrub cap. “Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you and Jules? It wasveryawkward in there, man.”
“I’d better go check on her,” I say, dodging the question and slipping back into the hallway.
I find Jules in Gus’s hospital room. While it is a standard surgery, we always keep cardio-surgical patients for the night, just to keep an eye on them. Her bag rests against the bench, and I’m already wincing at the thought of her sleeping on the pseudo-couch under the window.
As though it’s a majorfuck youfrom the universe, Jules is even more beautiful today, her hair looped into a low bun, her curves evident under a soft pink sweat suit. She looks tired, which just makes me want to hold her. More than anything, I want to fold her in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be okay.
I want tomakeeverything okay.
