Guilt. So much guilt. For everything. It’s swirling around making my stomach churn.
How did I let this happen?
Why didn’t I reach out?
What do I do?
I must have said one of those thoughts through my bond with Anya because her calm and soothing voice replies,Why don’t you start with an apology? Then we can go from there.
Of course, she’s right.
“Father. Mam.” I begin, wringing my hands together while I do my best to maintain eye contact. “I’m so incredibly sorry . . . for everything.”
Getting those words out of my mouth and off of my heart release a monumental weight from not only my shoulders, but my entire frame, down to my bones. My father and mother must have been carrying similar weight because their bodies also visibly relax right before my eyes.
“We’re sorry too. Aren’t we Crispin?” Mam encourages Father with imploring eyes and the subtle nod of her head.
He watches me for a minute with that look on his face that feels like he can read my mind. When he finally nods with a grunt, the rest of my body relaxes, not realizing I still held any additional tension waiting for his approval and acceptance.
“Yes, we are also sorry.” He manages to say, but stops to consider his next words, settling on, “Will you be staying with us?”
The rest of the day goes off without a hitch. We talk a bit more on the couch before Mam suggests I take Anya on a tour of the estate and the town.
My bedroom was still done up as it always had been. Actually, I hadn’t been able to pick up on many changes around the old place at all.
The town was another story. I used to know every single house, building, and business, in addition to who owned, lived,or worked there. Now there is more of everything. I only saw a few people in passing that I knew.
Even Santa’s Workshop—the main hub and tourist section of the town—has been updated. Once a small, four-walled building decorated to the nines and beaming with the laughter of the patrons, employees, and volunteers, is now a three-building wonder.
That single building used to house it all: souvenirs, seasonal decor, toys, gift baskets, and so much more. Now there are new buildings built onto each end of the original structure. The middle remains the tourist center with information and souvenirs. The right side is larger and houses more Christmas decorations than I’ve ever seen. The left side now houses more gift shopping for the locals in one corner, while the rest is a child’s wonderland of toys and photo opportunities. We made it just in time to see Father take his seat, dressed as Santa, to take pictures with children and find out their deepest Christmas desires.
My bear and my soul are settled here. Being home, with Anya’s hand in mine, all the nagging feelings tugging at me for the last seven years are finally at peace.
Watching her see Christmas this way has been even more than I ever could have imagined. Seeing the way everything has caused her eyes to light up and a wide, breath-taking smile to stretch across her face, it’s like she may have needed this place even more than I did.
But as she’s told me, everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t left home to play football, I never would have been playing football in the Goddess-damned desert. If I wasn’t playing football in the fucking desert, I never would have been so miserably hot that I would have to sneak into a collegiate ice rinkto lay naked on the ice. If I hadn’t been desperate enough to do that, I may never have met my mate.
Every decision each of us has ever made has led us to this place. To each other. Home.
32
Anya
Is this what Christmas feels like to everyone else?
Ever since we got to Kodi’s Christmas hometown, there’s been a glittery, warm feeling consuming me. Everything feels otherworldly and magical here.
As Kodi took me around the town today. The glowy feeling in my heart, that started with a small inkling when we entered the town and saw the welcome sign and decorations strung everywhere, only continued to grow.
His family home took my breath with the way it looks like a real-life gingerbread house, all lit up, on top of a hill, with snow floating in the air around us. The inside was even more overwhelming, in the best way. Every inch of space fully devoted to everything Christmas.
All of that captivates you before you add in the obvious love and pride his parents have for him. Even after all this time. The thought tries to bring tears to my eyes for things I know I’ll never have with the people that brought me into the world, but I push it away, not down. I let the icy, beautiful, snowy breeze carry that old pain away, promising myself that I’ll only focus on the here, the now, and the future.
Instead of going back to Kodi’s parents’ house for dinner, they suggested we all meet at Reindeer Games, the restaurant next door to Santa’s Workshop. It’s a large, log cabin building that was built to resemble a stable; of course it’s also covered in Christmas lights.
Stepping inside, we’re greeted by his parents first. As they envelop us in a hug, the large space erupts into cheers and hollers. Kodi’s jaw drops as his head turns, glossy eyes scanning as he takes everyone in.
These are all the local families I grew up with,he fills me in through our bond. I rub my hand up his arm, soothing the emotions swirling within him as people rise and move toward us to welcome him home, clapping him on the shoulders or giving strong hugs.
