I’m on the offensive line for a reason. I’m not fast and I do not enjoy running. Need something heavy lifted? I’m your guy. Need me to plow through something? You bet! But sprinting suicides on a football field and high stepping through a tightly rung rope later? No, thank you. I didn’t bitch about it like some of the others though, just put my head down and got it done.
When Coach dismissed us, I barreled into the locker room and threw myself into a cold shower. Only, Arizona’s version of cold water from the tap is more like lukewarm. It’s infuriating. I haven’t felt the bone-deep cold that I was raised with and loved, in far too long.
Washing the salt, sweat, and grime from my body made me feel a little better, but I have a strangely, urgentneedto be cold. Not Arizona cold. Reallycold.Maybe I should consider having a walk-in freezer installed in my condo. Why hadn’t I thought of that before? Oh right, because it would be suspicious as hell, and cost a goddess-awful amount of money.
As I walk back to my locker while drying my hair, I toss a question in the air, hoping someone has an answer, “Does anyone know of anywhere close that’s cold? Like, really cold? Think glacial.”
Around the space there are a few snickers, a couple looks of pity, and a few teammates visibly straining to think about my question, when Mars sidles up beside me.
“The heat gettin’ to you?” he asks as he digs through his locker. When his head swivels to me, I nod, thankful at not having to answer him aloud.
Sure, it’s October and usually in the upper seventies, but the other day it was ninety-fucking-two.
He brings his hand to his chin in dramatic thought just before his eyes light up. “Have you checked out any of the ice-skating rinks?”
I reel back, feeling physically struck by the realization that I hadn’t thought of that, and I tell him as much.
“Yeah, me either,” he agrees. “But apparently our college women’s team is damn good. They made national headlines on the sports channel the other day, or I might not have thought of it myself.” He chuckles, slamming his locker shut.
I absentmindedly nod as I make my way out to the players parking lot, excited to finally cool down after over three years of unbearable heat.
After using my phone’s search engine, I’m surprised to find so many ice rinks within a reasonable distance from both the football stadium and my place. Unfortunately, the public ones both had events going on right now that wouldn’t allow just anyone on the ice. I didn’t want to be around a bunch of people anyway.
Being a professional football player doesn’t exactly offer a sense of peace or anonymity when out in public. Not to mention I wanted to immerse myself in the cool temperatures, and that would be much harder to do with an audience.
Not giving up on my unexplainable and urgent desire to be cold, I found the college ice rink for the women’s team Mars had mentioned, the Saguaros. I have no business here and I could probably be charged with trespassing, but at the moment my need for frigid temperatures outweighs absolutely everything else.
Trying to casually walk around like I belong here, I prowl through the large glass doors, surprised to find them unlocked.
The place is oddly empty for a Monday. I’d be nervous if I wasn’t so distracted by paying attention to my surroundings. Maybe it was just luck finally throwing me a bone. Letting the smell of the ice lead the way, I approach a large set of metal doors that are cool to the touch.
Inhaling a deep breath, I push the doors open, and I’m greeted with the most amazing sight. A massive ice rink with absolutely no one on it.
Testing my luck even further, I begin pulling my clothes off. I wish I could shift, but it’s one thing to be potentially caught as a human and another for someone to find a polar bear lying on a skating rink in the middle of Arizona.
Stripped-down to nothing but my boxer briefs, I walk out onto the rink. The minute my skin touches the ice a wave of euphoria washes over me. I’m an addict. I’ve just had a tiny taste of my drug of choice, and I need so much more. Thecold.The nostalgia.
My bear pops into my awareness for the first time in too long, choosing to spend most of his time in a hibernation-like state as his form of protest of my life choices.
Wanting more than the bite of cold against the soles of my feet, I sit. Then I recline back until I’m lying on the ice.
For a few minutes, I just lie there, arms and legs spread wide, soaking in the sharp sting of the ice against my human skin. A bark of wild laughter escapes me, echoing in the space. I clamp my hand over my mouth, forgetting that I’m trying to be stealthy and not get caught.
I freeze in place, making sure no one heard me and is going to come barging through the doors. When no one does, I move myarms and legs as though I’m making a snow angel, relishing my body temperature finally dropping to a more manageable level.
With the back of my body comfortably numb, I roll over onto my front, resting my head on my crossed arms.
My thoughts drift to home. My parents. The community.
I guess part of maturing is realizing how much of an asshole a teenager really can be. I was such a jerk. I thought I knew everything. To hell with my generational responsibilities. To hell with everything. If no one believed in me, I’d do it all myself. And I did.
My bear snorts his agreement with my mental scolding.
I can still see the devastated look on my Mam’s face when I told her I was leaving and there was nothing she could do to stop me. I did that to her. The hurt on her face slices me wide open to this day. On the other hand, you have my father’s face, rigidly lined in anger. Anger that his only child was such a selfish ass. Anger that I could turn my back on my family and hurt my mother the way I did.
I’ve picked up a phone to call them so many times. I’ve written dozens of letters that I never had the balls to send. All because I’m scared that my time to apologize has expired.
It’s hard to realize so long after an event how incredibly wrong you are. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty, though. I’ve thought a lot about how it all went down, how my life has gone since, and I’ve come to realize that if I could go back and do it all over again, I would have stayed.
