“Mishka…” Ilya sighs. “When you’re properly recovered, we should talk.”
My heart leaps into my throat, and I stir my soup, staring down at it instead of looking at him. “I’ll leave,” I whisper. “I just need a few days.”
To do what with, I don’t know.
“No,” Ilya says sternly, then he shakes his head. “I mean, if you want, you can leave. I’ll pay for an apartment for you. But I meant, we should talk about this relationship.” He lets out a strange laugh. “My friend said if I’m doing the BDSM with you, I should make sure we agree.”
Relief crashes into me, so sharply that I can’t catch my breath right away. “No,” I say quickly. “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here with you.” I hesitate, then add, “I want to be with you.”
Ilya smiles so brightly, I start to blush in response.
“I’m very glad to hear that.” He scratches the beard on his chin. “Then after you’re feeling yourself better, we should talk about the BDSM. I don’t want to accidentally hurt you by assuming things.”
“Oh,” I say, taking another bite of soup even though I think my stomach needs to settle more before I eat. Still, I need a second to think, and it gives me that time. “We can talk about that. I mean, now, or we can wait. I’m not really in any shape for much right now, but that doesn’t mean I never want to do it again.”
Because I do — as long as it’s with Ilya.
Ilya points to his tablet, which has gone to sleep by now. “I was reading about safe words. But Mishka, if you say to me to stop, I’ll stop. You can always tell me that. Okay? You can pick a word too, but I don’t want to play games where we pretend you hate what I’m doing.”
I don’t either. Not with Ilya.
I can’t fight the relief I feel at knowing I won’t have to.
“Okay,” I agree. “We can go without a safe word, because I’ll tell you to slow down or stop if I need you to.” I hesitate, grimacing. “At least, I think I will? You might need to check in with me, at least at first.”
I’m not used to trying to call a stop to things before Adam’s ready.
But Ilya isn’t Adam.
Adam is gone.
This is a whole new chapter of my life.
“Okay. We’ll learn together.” Ilya gives me a piercing gaze. “I’ll be angry if you push yourself when you don’t want to keep going.”
I swallow hard, not liking the idea of him beingangrywith me. “I can’t promise I’ll always call a stop to things immediately,” I say softly. “So please don’t be too mad. I have habits to unlearn.”
Ilya makes a strange sound. “Not angry. A bit upset. I really don’t want to hurt you.” He looks down at his own hands. “I’m tired of hurting others.”
“We don’t have to play at all,” I tell him. “Not that way. I like the soft things, too. Sitting at your feet, you petting my hair, serving you… It doesn’t have to be about pain.”
His expression softens. “Yes. I like that. But…” He sighs. “My friend said I need to ask about those things too. I could make you feel bad without physical pain. And that trust is most important.” He glances toward his phone. “But I have feeling my friend is a hypocrite.”
“I do trust you,” I tell him, and I mean it. I tilt my head, though, considering his words. “Why do you say your friend is a hypocrite?”
Ilya chuckles. “Because I have heard some stories about him and his partner. These big men in the city, they gossip like old Russian grandmothers.”
I can’t help but smile at that. “Big mafia men, gossiping?” I ask. “I guess rumors fly no matter where you’re at.”
“Yes.” Ilya glances down at my mostly empty bowl. “You are finished? Then go back to bed. I’ll clean up here and follow.”
“What? No,” I protest. “I can help you.”
“Why?” Ilya asks. “It’s only two plates. It’s not a two person job. Go rest up. That’s an order from your, um.” He stops and I almost think he blushes, but it’s hard to tell with the beard. “Your partner? Your Dom? What do you like to call me?”
I don’t bother to hide my smile, shy as it is. “I would like you to be both,” I say. “I…” I hesitate. “I know it’s soon, but I like the idea of being your partner.”
Ilya smiles back. “Then I’m telling you as your partner, go back to bed. I’ll be there soon with creams for your back.”
