“Thank you for handling everything. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately.”
“Nina, you have a newborn,” I say. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there foryou.”
“We’re both doing our best. There’s just a lot of life happening right now.”
“There certainly is,” says our mother, a bit unnerved by our emotion.
Anders starts to stir, and Nina retreats upstairs to change and feed him, leaving me alone with our mom.
“I would have gotten the cabin ready if I had known you were coming, Mom.”
“No need,” she says, looking around as if she’s in a cabinet of curiosities. “I’m staying at the inn.”
“What? Why? You came all this way.”
“Well, they have hot water, for one thing.” She’s joking, but I understand the real reason she doesn’t want to stay here. “I came to help Nina with the travel, and to see you, of course. But I think you two should have time to yourselves to… do what you need to do.”
This is my mom in a nutshell. She wants to be involved, and I know she wants to support us, but she prefers to stay on the fringe, clear of any real emotional intimacy. I can tell that being in this house is confronting in a way that’s not easy for her.
“Okay, well, I’m glad you’re here.” I nod, meaning it now that the shock has worn off. “I’m glad you came.”
Chapter 52
The following morning, I wake to the smell of coffee and a quiet house. When I get downstairs, I find Nina out on the porch with Anders.
“I didn’t know you two were up,” I say, stepping outside. It’s a shimmering autumn morning, and warm enough to be outside in just a sweater or, in my case, a tattered bathrobe.
“Oh, we’re always up,” says Nina huskily as Anders nurses. “And we’re always sort of asleep. We live in a haze.”
“I’m amazed you even got yourself here,” I say. “It’s a long way to go with a two-month-old. Was Mom helpful?”
“As helpful as she can be,” says Nina. “As you know, our mother isn’t actually verymaternal. No matter what Anders is fussing about, she tells me to rub whisky on his gums.”
“Spectacular advice,” I say.
Anders takes a few final gulps and then pushes Nina’s breast away with a dramatic flourish. He starts to grizzle and she instinctively rocks and shushes and pats him—no doubt things she has done hundreds of times in the two months since he was born. But his fussing increases.
“Want me to take him?” I ask. I barely know how to hold a newborn, but she looks like she could use a break. I pick Anders up gently, getting a feel for his floppy body as I support his head and pull him close to me. I’m scared by his fragility, but once I settle into my chair, his weight suddenly feels grounding. He quiets and stares at my face, transfixed.
“Look at that. You’re a natural.”
“I could hold him like this forever,” I say.
“Please do,” says Nina, closing her eyes. “I’m so tired.”
“Do you ever get a break? Is Nils pulling his weight?”
“Sort of. Sometimes. I don’t know.” Nina pauses. “Honestly, I think we may have rushed into things.”
I look at my sister, and for the first time, it occurs to me that she might not be superhuman.
“He’s a good guy. It’s just—we’re really different. And now that Anders is here, I’m clearer about what I want and need long-term. I just don’t know if Nils and I are all that compatible.”
“Whoa,” I say. “Are you breaking up?”
“Not yet. I don’t know. Maybe we just need a reset.” She turns to me and looks as if she is trying to remember something. “Have you ever done that? Taken a break from someone?”
I stare at her to see if she’s joking, but she looks back with genuine interest. I can’t believe she has forgotten that she played a central role in the chain of events that led to my rupture with Seth.
