“What? What the fuck is going on with you? Are you having a nervous breakdown?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged and let out a hysterical laugh. “But why do you love me, Teddy? Tell me what you love about me.”
“Dammit, Emma, I don’t know. I can’t answer this now. You’re being ridiculous.”
“You want to marry me, and you can’t even tell me why.” A sudden wave of sadness washed over me. “You need me. You need me to become a state senator. Just like you needed me to get into law school and write your papers and pass your exams for you.”
Teddy froze and his eyes widened in shock. He didn’t speak. He knew better than to try to deny anything I was saying. I could tell I’d hurt him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Then we’ll get married, and I’ll be byyourside asyouachieve greatness. Then maybe you’ll cheat on me, too.”
“You’re out of pocket, Emma.”
“Tell me why you love me, Teddy. Give me a reason that doesn’t have anything to do with my degrees, or the way I look, or how many languages I can speak…”
He glared at me, his eyes blazing with anger, but he didn’t speak.
“Maybe we should break up,” I whispered.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” he exploded. “We’re not kids, Emma. We can’t just break up. There is too much at stake. You’re drunk. You’re emotional. You don’t know what you’re saying… Break up? No.”
“No?” I tilted my head and glared at him. “What the hell do you mean, no?”
“Emma, you’re being ridiculous. What are you gonna do without me? What…” He chuckled mirthlessly. “Are you going out to the middle of nowhere to become a farmer?”
Of all the horrible things we’d said to each other, this stung the most. Not only was Teddy implying that I was no one without him, but he was also poking at the sore spot that was the farm, my relationship with my mother, my estranged grandparents, and Annie.
“Maybe I will!” I shouted. “And the real question is what in the hell are you going to do without me? Huh, Teddy?” I took a step toward him and poked a finger into his chest. “Who’s gonna remember everyone’s names and life stories at parties? Who’s gonna make sure your suits are always clean? Who’s gonna tie your fucking ties?” Teddy grabbed my wrist, most likely to prevent me from poking him again.
“I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you, but I’m not gonna stand here and listen to this bullshit.” He released my hand and stomped off toward our bedroom. A moment later, he stormed out, still wearing his suit but carrying an overstuffed duffel bag.
“I’m leaving,” he announced unnecessarily. What the hell else would he be doing with a duffel bag? “When you sober up and come to your senses, call me.” He backed away from me, still glaring, and in two steps he tripped over the same box I had, landing flat on his back. His duffel bag went flying in the air before landing with a thud on his chest.
I burst out laughing. Add that to the list of the many things Iwouldn’t normally do if I were sober, but I wasn’t sober, and again, I couldn’t stop myself.
“Are you okay?” I managed to wheeze out. Teddy jumped to his feet, shaking his head and dusting off his suit.
“I’m fine,” he gritted out through clenched teeth. Those were his last words to me before he slammed the door to our condo, leaving me standing in our foyer among a pile of boxes.
I opened my eyes to find the sun was still out and attempting to blind me through the windows of my bedroom. Within a few seconds, the events of one of the worst days of my life came flooding back with startling clarity. I didn’t even have the mercy of a drunken blackout. I remembered every terrible detail of losing my job and my boyfriend walking out on me. I even remembered stumbling into my bedroom and flopping across the duvet fully clothed, without washing my face or tying up my hair—something I never did.
My tongue seemed glued to the roof of my mouth, and my head felt like it was being kicked from the inside. According to my watch, it was only six-thirty, which meant I’d been passed out for four hours. I was dying of thirst and had to pee, which was the only reason I attempted to get out of bed.
I’d only made it halfway down the hall before I managed to stumble over another one of my office boxes. Luckily, I managed to keep my footing this time, since Teddy wasn’t here to pick me up off the floor. After screaming a stream of expletives and kicking the box as hard as I could, I continued my perilous journey to the bathroom.
I didn’t recognize the woman I saw in the mirror. I mean, she definitely looked like me—if I’d been in a fight and lost. In a way, that was exactly what happened. There were huge black smudges under my eyes that were once meticulously applied eyeliner and mascara. One side of my hair looked like a tangled bird’s nest. The other side, the one I slept on, was a tangle of waves and sweaty curls. My dress was wrinkled and covered in stains. I scratched at one crusty red spot of marinara sauce. I stared into my mirror’s reflection and let the gravity of the day swallow me whole. I looked exactly how I felt.
The first fat tear stung my eyes and was quickly followed by another. My face crumpled, and I let out a sob. I didn’t have the warm, strong arms of my boyfriend to comfort me while I cried because I no longer had a boyfriend. If I were to be honest, Teddy hadn’t really been my boyfriend for a long time. I also didn’t have a job. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what my next step was. Emma Walters didn’t have a plan. Being free from a job I didn’t like and a relationship that had been deteriorating should have felt freeing, but I was terrified and ashamed. I still hadn’t turned my phone on since Max turned it off in the bar, and I was sure that I’d have no less than 147 messages from my mother, who must have gotten an earful from Teddy by now.
I turned on the shower and watched the steam fill my bathroom as I slowly slipped out of my dress. The jets of hot water beat me into consciousness and I closed my eyes. Tears streamed down my face. When I had no tears left, I washed and conditioned my hair. When I got out, I didn’t bother to blow-dry it, simply massaging in a dollop of leave-in conditioner and letting it air dry into shiny, dark brown corkscrews that grazed my shoulders. The sets of thinand brightly colored lace panties and bras in my drawer were shoved aside in favor of a pair of large cotton boy shorts and a sports bra. I dressed myself in a pair of baggy sweatpants and a Columbia Law T-shirt—mine, not Teddy’s.
I suddenly felt lighter and freer than I had in a long time. My life was still falling apart, but crying about it in the shower wasn’t going to fix it. After taking two Advil and pouring myself a glass of orange juice, I decided my first order of business was unpacking the boxes from my office.
At the end of my third glass of orange juice and halfway through my Stevie Wonder playlist on Spotify, I came to the last box. The photo of me and Annie was sitting right on top when I pulled off the lid. I stared at it for a long time.
The two little girls, one slightly taller than the other, dressed in identical dresses with identical hairstyles, were calling to me. I focused my gaze on Annie, who was frozen in time as a little girl, in flashes of memories that felt more like dreams. Her dazzling smile betrayed the severity of her illness, which showed in her frail form and sunken eyes. She had her arm around me, holding me close as if she were protecting me from something. Little-girl Emma was gazing up at her, laughing as if she didn’t have a care in the world.
She didn’t.
