“Mr. Ryder?” I snap my head to the left when I hear my name.
“Just Ryder, Max.”
“Okay. Are you gonna tell me what you got from Santa?”
He presses his lips together and swallows, making me wonder how many times he’s asked that without me noticing.Shit.
“I didn’t get anything.”
His little jaw drops. “Nothing? Were you bad?”
I inhale deeply, thinking back on all the ways I’ve let Chase down—even in death—and what I did to Hayden last night. He probably hates me, and even though part of me wants him to, I don’t like the idea that he might.
Offering a sad smile, I answer honestly. “I wasn’t good.”
His eyebrows pull together behind the lenses of his goggles as he seems to turn that over in his mind. “I think you are. And even if you made a mistake, all you have to do is say you’re sorry.”
Kids make it sound so easy.“Yeah, I’ll do that.”
Once we’re strapped in and ready to go, I tell Max to lead and I’ll follow. It’s a good way to watch his form, plus it gives me the chance to pretend he’s getting hard to keep up with. And truthfully, he’s made incredible progress.
“Look at me,” he squeals as he rolls seamlessly from his heel side to his toe side, an impossibly big smile consuming half his face.
This kid is fuckin’ amazing. Never gives up, always grinning with wonder, and so damn happy despite the hand he’s been dealt. Even I have trouble staying pissed when I’m around him. As long as I can remember it’s Max, not Chase, I’m watching.
The similarities between them really are staggering. Not in the way they ride, but the pure joy they have when doing something they love. Several times, I have to snap my mouth shut and hold my breath as I brace my hands on my knees, forcing the heavy sob back into my lungs. I can’t do anything to stop the tears from leaking out of my eyes, but at least my goggles will keep anyone from noticing. What people might notice is that I’m smiling.
I can’t explain what’s happening to me right now. I’m so fucking pissed to be here without Chase, and I hate like hell that my lastrun—ever—isn’t with him. But this kid… He’s so full of life, and wonder, and… In the face of so much adversity, he just doesn’t quit. It’s like he doesn’t know the wordcan’t. I have no right to be proud of him, but I am.
If Chase could see this… He’d love this kid.I thinkIlove this kid.
As we skid to a stop at the bottom of the run, Max beams up at me, a mixture of awe and excitement on his face. It’s impossible not to smile back at him. I hold my fist out for him to bump. “You’re killin’ it, little man. Pretty soon you’re gonna beat me down the slope.”
“I could never beat you. You’re the fastest rider on the planet.”
“Not anymore.” I unstrap my back foot so we can skate to the chair for another run.
Max lifts his chin up high so he can see me from underneath his bulky helmet. “How come?”
“I haven’t been training much, since I’m not racing.”
“Are you ever gonna race again?”
I unbuckle his boot so he can push to the lift line. “I don’t know yet.”
“My dad says you could go to the Olympics. Don’t you want that?” He’s a little breathless trying to keep up with me even though I’m deliberately trying not to go too fast.
“I used to. Not so much anymore.”
“Why?”
“It’s not as fun as it used to be.”
His eyes grow wide beneath his goggles. “You aren’t having fun?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to give the answer I’m supposed to, but before the words come out, I realize Iamhaving fun. Without the guilt. Yeah, I got choked up thinking about how Max reminded me of Chase, but for the first time since he died, I didn’t feel the urge to drown that memory in an attempt to erase it from my brain.
“Yeah, Max. I am having fun. I’m having more fun than I’ve had in months. Let’s go again.”
