“The ones closest to you… like your parents?”
“For starters.”
“Are they homophobic?” I force my voice to stay level, curious instead of condescending, even though my instinct is to sneer.
“I don’tthinkso…” Blake trails off, chewing on his lip until he finds the words to finish the thought. “But they’ve always talked about my future as if I’m straight. My mom especially. She’s always wanting to know if I met a nice girl; hoping my future wife and I will settle here instead of moving away even though it’s getting harder to make a living in this town; talking about being a grandma one day. It feels sort of expected that I find a woman.”
“How come you never corrected her when she’d talk about your future?” I try to uncover the root of his fear.
“Well.” His arm muscles twitch as he makes a fist in the comforter. “I realized at a pretty young age I was different from the other boys,and I didn’t want to be, so I just kept quiet. I think I believed it might go away when I grew up, and when it didn’t… There have always been more guys than girls in this town, so it was pretty easy to dismiss comments about finding a nice girl by saying there weren’t any. And since there hadn’t been any gay guys around either, I figured there was no point in having a conversation about something that probably wouldn’t happen. It just seemed easier to say there wasn’t anyone special and move on.”
I link my fingers with his and rest them on the mattress between us, mostly to reassure him that I’m not judging, but also to give me time to choose the right words. “You haven’t described anything that makes me think they wouldn’t accept you.”
“Except the fact that they expect me to find a woman and have kids. They might not reject me over being gay, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t crush their dreams of seeing me get married and have kids.”
“You can do those things with a man.”
“I—I mean, I guess I could.” Blake furrows his brow, almost as if that hadn’t occurred to him before.
“And don’t you think your parents would want you to be with a person that makes you happy, regardless of who that person is?”
“I hope so.”
“Maybe you should give them a chance.”
Blake worries his lip. “What if they’re hurt or upset I didn’t tell them sooner?”
Nothing Blake’s said so far makes me think his fears about coming out are justified, except for this. I came out at fifteen, and even though that was a long time ago, I remember how carefully I guarded my secret before then. How ingrained it became for me to hide the part of me that was different. Blake’s gotta be pushing thirty, so it’s probably alot harder to come to terms with letting go of the fears and habits he’s developed to protect himself.
“They could be.” I’m not going to lie to him and pretend that’s not a possibility. “But nothing you’ve said about them gives me the impression they’d reject you for that.”
“Yeah.” Blake agrees halfheartedly, which triggers another thought.
“You said for starters. Are there people besides your parents you’re worried about coming out to?”
Blake traps his lips between his teeth for a beat before nodding his head almost imperceptibly. “Ryder.” He exhales heavily. “We’ve grown apart over the last few years, but there was a time where we were inseparable, so I’m sure he’ll be hurt when he learns I kept this from him. Especially now.”
“Why now?” I brush that stubborn lock of hair away from Blake’s forehead.
“Ryder’s brother is—was—gay.” The words are spoken so softly I have to strain to hear them. “I didn’t know that until after he died, Ryder kept his brother’s secret locked tight, but I never gave him the chance to keep mine.”
The impact of those words makes it hard to breathe as the full picture comes into focus. Sure, worrying about how his parents and the parents of the kids he coaches will react are valid reasons for anyone to take their time coming out, but if Blake’s also worried about adding to Ryder’s burden… That’s a heavy weight to carry. Heavier than I was anticipating.
“You probably think I’m being ridiculous, staying in the closet this long.” Blake absently runs his thumb over my finger.
“I think you’re the only person who knows when it’s the right time to come out.”
“But you’d prefer me to do it sooner rather than later, right? That’s the point of this conversation?”
Blake’s voice rises a few octaves as his hazel eyes meet mine, and I figure if he’s brave enough to look at me even though he’s afraid of the answer I owe him nothing less than the truth.
“I’d prefer knowing you don’t intend to stay in the closet forever. I understand if you’re not ready, and I don’t mind waiting, especially now that I understand how Ryder factors into this. I can handle keeping this quiet for now, I just don’t want to do that indefinitely.”
“That’s fair.” Blake’s voice is so soft it’s nearly a whisper. “I mean, I always figured when—if—I found the one I’d come out for that person, so maybe I should—"
“The one,” I repeat his words. “You think…”
“No.No!That’s not what I meant. It’s too soon to say something like that, obviously, it’s just—” his cheeks turn an adorable shade of pink “—you’re the only person I’ve been with more than once. The only person I’ve thought about having more with.” His eyes dart bashfully to mine before focusing back on the ceiling.
