He stands and drops a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m going to do some work in the garage, but you know where to find me if you need me.”
He heads inside, leaving me alone to fester in my own thoughts. I play back my conversation with Mimi, but nothing she said was remotely helpful.
Closing my eyes, I let the cold wash over me, hoping it will sharpen my brain function and bring me the clarity I need. Shockingly, it doesn’t work.
I don’t want to disturb Ben with my melancholy, so I head back over to my own house. I curl up in the armchair in front of the tree. My bag still sits prominently front and center, the perfect replica of the one my grandmother gave me when I graduated from law school. She never told me she was proud of me for finishing at the top of my class, but she did tell me she hoped I would prove to be worthy of the family name.
“Seems like even here in Heart Springs I’m not enough,” I mutter.
The words echo in the empty room.
And I bolt upright in my seat.
“Holy shit.”
Maybe the answer really was right in front of my face this whole time.
Mimi was right. She didn’t tell me I needed to fall in love with someone else. She told me I needed to experience true love. She never mentioned the need for another person in this equation. Just love. True love. Not love for someone else. For myself.
The voices of my friends bounce around in my head.
Mimi saying I’m more than enough for her.
Anna telling me she can’t thank me enough.
My dear, sweet Emma telling me I am enough.
And Ben. Ben, the man I fell in love with without even trying.
He has always believed in me, that I am enough.
It was never about him. It was about me.
I push out of my chair and head to the front door. My stomach feels a little woozy, and my lungs compress when the cold air hits them. But I need to get to him. I vault over the fence separating our yards and burst right through the front door without knocking.
I’m light-headed, black dots clouding my vision, but he’s there, right there, to catch me before I collapse.
“I just needed to figure out how to love myself.” I can barely manage to get the words out, my lungs so tight they’re starting to burn.
Ben holds me close, his eyes clouding with tears. “I knew you would figure it out, sweetheart.” He presses his forehead to mine. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Ben. And I’ll find you, I’ll remember. I promise.” I just manage to brush my lips over his, right before the blackness overtakesme.
29
There’s a suspicious lack of sunshine when I open my eyes.
The room is dark, the sheets are crisp, and when I swing my legs over the side of the bed, there are no fuzzy slippers waiting for me.
My hand drifts up, searching for the long curly locks I’ve grown accustomed to. Instead I find the blunt edge of my sharp bob.
That’s when the realization sinks in.
I’m home.
I grasp for the switch on my bedside lamp. Once the room is illuminated, the truth of it all smacks me in the face. I’m back in my own room, the walls a soft eggshell, the only hint of color in the space coming from the abstract art over my bed, a single crimson slash on a black canvas in a gold frame.
Gone are the cozy flannel pajamas, my body instead in a black silk nightgown trimmed with lace.
