Boxing with Duke taught me I’m stronger than I think. And that sometimes it just feels good to hit something.
Going on a blind date and speed dating both taught methat there are plenty of men out there that I could connect with. I don’t need to settle for the first one who shows interest, because there will always be other options out there. And timing does matter. Meeting the right guy at the wrong time means he’s not the right guy. If it’s meant to be, he’ll show up again someday.
Kissing a stranger taught me that I’m braver than I think, and that sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.
Volunteering taught me that I have something to offer others that has nothing to do with being in a relationship. It taught me that helping people feels amazing. It helped me understand my mother.
Therapy taught me to look under the surface, to examine not just my feelings about something but how I react in certain situations. What kind of patterns exist in my life and why. That I cannot control the actions of others, only how I react to them.
Spending the day exploring Los Angeles taught me that there is still so much out there in the world left to see, and sometimes I need to try new things and be open to new experiences.
I fill the page before my pen comes to a halt. But I don’t want to overthink it, so I set the pen in motion again and I don’t let it stop as the pages keep turning.
Sleeping with Seth taught me what it feels like to be completely in sync with another person. It taught me what it feels like to be truly loved, inside and out and all the corners in between. It taught me that it’s never too late for second chances. And that sometimes, a kiss is way more than just a kiss.
Sleeping with Seth made me realize that I am still in love with him.
But I need to be whole before I can tell him those words and possibly give us another shot. If he’ll still have me.
I leave the notebook open on the table when I go to bed. I don’t know that I’m any closer to having all the answers, but I do know that I’m ready to find them.
—
I spill allthe details to Dr. Lawson the moment our video call connects on day five, and surprisingly, instead of going in for the kill with the Seth revelation, she turns her focus to my work. I shouldn’t really be surprised given how our last session went, but still, I figured sleeping with Seth was much more of a psychological conundrum than my conversation with Natasha.
“Would you say that in the past, Natasha has asked you to do things she knew you didn’t want to do?”
I shrug, sipping from a glass of ice water. I figured I should attempt to hydrate myself at some point—woman cannot live on coffee alone. “I mean, yeah, but isn’t that kind of what bosses are supposed to do? It’s her job to give me assignments and tell me what to write about.”
Dr. Lawson nods, her expression completely neutral. “Sure. However, does she ask you to do things you don’t want to do because she knows you won’t say no?”
I ponder that one for a minute. “I guess, maybe. To be honest, other than not getting to write the column I wanted to write, I’ve never felt like I was being pushed into doing things I didn’t want to do.”
“Isn’t writing the entire description of your job? By continually asking you to write a section you don’t enjoy, isn’t she by nature asking you to do something you don’t want to do?”
I purse my lips, forcing myself not to jump to Natasha’s defense. “I suppose.”
“Don’t you find it a little troubling that she has been promising you the opportunity to advance for eight years but has never delivered? That is, until she can offer it as some sort of prize in a competition, one that was not your idea in the first place?” Her tone has grown sharper and sharper as the conversation has gone on, though I don’t get the feeling she is upset with me.
I stare down at my fingers, tapping on the edge of my laptop. “Yes.”
Her voice softens. “Why do you think you’ve allowed yourself to be treated that way?”
“You know why.”
This time she gives me a small smile. “I know I know, I’d like to know if you know.”
“Because I see my relationship with Natasha as a kind of do-over relationship with my mother. And unlike my mother, Natasha gives me what I seek: attention and, occasionally, praise. I feel like she needs me and that she actually likes having me around. So I do whatever I can to keep her happy because the last thing I want is to disappoint another mother.” I raise one eyebrow. “Nailed it?”
“Nailed it.”
I sit back in my chair with a sigh, not saying anything for a minute, just letting the words sift through my brain.
“I think I should maybe call my mom,” I finally say.
This time Dr. Lawson’s smile is proud. “I think that’s a good idea.”
We spend the remainder of our time together prepping me for the call. What I should say and how I should frame it, and strategies for me to remember that I can’t control her words, only my reaction to them.
