He quit chewing. Then he swallowed. But he continued staring at his plate. “He loved you.”
“I tried to love him back.” I pushed my plate away. Only a quarter of my pork chop had been consumed. “I really did. He was such a good friend, but as a boyfriend...” I closed my eyes and took a fortifying breath. “He was needy.Insecure. I thought when I went to college, he’d find his stride, but instead, he only waited for me. I... resented him.”
Jonah rocked back, his utensils loose in his hands. His gaze was on me, but I couldn’t decipher what was in his eyes. Was he thinkingShe really said that?Was he thinkingI should’ve ended the fondling as soon as it started? Was he thinkingCallous bitch?
I was, and I’d had a long time to come to terms with what an awful person I was. “And when he... did what he did... I was so mad at him. So damn angry, Jonah. How dare he? How dare he make me feel like that? All I wanted was freedom to be young, and he stole that from me.” I licked my dry lips. His gaze tracked my tongue, his expression stricken. “He took it from you too.”
“You’re blaming all this on him?” he asked barely above a whisper.
My nod was shaky. “I know he didn’t mean to hurt anyone or to die, but that’s how it felt. Like he punished me for not loving him.”
“You told him you were into me.” The same dangerous edge was in his tone.
“He accused me of liking you because he could tell. I meant it when I told him it was nothing serious. Half the girls in our class were into you. I thought you were attractive and sexy and out of my league. I wasn’t going to pursue you. I was in school and I really did want to be single for a while.”
His brow was creased and his scar was puckered more than usual. “Then why’d you visit me in the hospital?”
“I talked to your mom, and she was worried about you. I was so exhausted.”
He chuffed and his silverware clattered to the floor. “You were exhausted?”
“Emotionally,” I said quietly. “What I was going through was nothing like what you and your parents went through, I know. I was going to tell you about the breakup, to ease your conscience, and just... have someone to share my story with. Someone who knew him.” Hot tears pricked the backs of my eyes. The weight of my breakup was lifted from my chest, but the consequences were adding pressure. My conscience was not clear; it was just exposed.
“Funny how your breakups seem to crash into my life.”
I flinched. He was so bitter, and it was my fault. I picked up my plate. “I’ll go. You can leave the dishes for me.” I pushed my chair back to stand.
“Put the damn plate down,” he snapped.
I dropped my dish. The silverware clattered against it.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Fuuuuuck, Summer. I can’t have this conversation when I can still feel you coming around my fingers.” He dropped his arms. The look he gave me was bleak. “I can barely think, now that I know what it’s like to come in your hand instead of mine.” He dropped his head back, his Adam’s apple prominent. “I feel like I betrayed him one last time.”
“I’m sorry.”
He tipped his head forward and speared me with a curious gaze. “You don’t feel the same?”
“Not really. I feel like karma is all the shitty boyfriends I’ve tolerated.” I had meant my comment as ajoke, but had I looked for guys who were the opposite of either Dunn brother?
A crease formed between his brows. “He looked up to me.”
“He really did.” Eli had been insecure, and when he’d admired someone, he could get a little obsessed. His hot, popular, older brother hadn’t been exempt.
“Was he at my place to talk to me?”
I’d thought about this so much over the years, but I’d been able to look at the situation from a different vantage point. “I don’t know. He might’ve been lashing out, upset that you got all the attention. He might’ve needed your support and reassurance. Or maybe he’d planned to warn you off me.”
“I didn’t need the warning.”
Ouch. “I wasn’t going to pursue you. I was nineteen and single and in college.” I might’ve lashed out too. “I also assumed that being Eli’s ex would’ve ruined my chances for a good ten years.”
A dark brow ticked up. “It’s been fifteen years, and it’s not much better.”
We were talking in circles. I was wildly attracted to Jonah. I wanted him more than any other man I’d ever met. I’d gotten off with him quicker than any guy I’d been with. So shamefully quick. But he continued fixating on his brother, and I didn’t have a good reason why he shouldn’t. “I’ll keep my distance. I can put a sock on the laundry room handle if I’m changing. When the roads are clear, I’ll be on my way, and we don’t have to cross paths for another fifteen years.”
His lips formed a troubled line. I couldn’t tell if he was upset that I couldn’t leave right now, or that seeing me in another fifteen years would be too soon. I liftedmy plate and gathered my fork and knife. “Like I said, I’ll do dishes later.”
“You cooked,” he answered automatically.
