I didn’t have to be the oldest and wisest sister. I didn’t need to be the perfect girlfriend. I wasn’t the nepotism baby trying to prove she was a boss bitch at work. With Jonah, I was just flawed Summer Kerrigan.
We were still sitting at the intersection, so I kept talking. “So, anyway, after Daddy’s illness and death, Wynter’s wedding and the baby, and then my wedding, I’m going to return to Bozeman and just... be.” Did I know how?
His narrowed stare was directed at the windshield. “Promise me one thing, Summer.”
I owed him so much the answer was easy. “What?”
“Take every day of your honeymoon. Stay with your mom and learn how to justbeso you don’t let any more Boyds into your life.”
I smiled, warmed inside that he was thinking of my well-being. Except staying at Mama’s with nothing to do but chores while people sidestepped around me was like a cheese grater to the skin. “I’ll make you a deal.”
Humor lit his gaze, but the hardness didn’t soften. “You can try.”
“I’ll stay with Mama for the duration of my honeymoonandwork remotely. I need to preserve my sanity, and I really do enjoy my job.”
“Good enough.” He didn’t make a move to turn and continue driving to Mama’s. “Eli would’ve wanted youhappy.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
My throat grew thick. Eli would’ve wanted me happy if he’d known he was going to die. If he hadn’t gotten drunk that day, who knew where life would’ve taken us. “I had to move on.”
“I know.” He nodded and his Adam’s apple worked up and down. “I know he was just really happy with you. It’d have gutted him to see you with a guy like Boyd.”
My mouth went dry. I tried licking my lips. “Yeah. It’d have gutted him,” I said hoarsely. “But we were just kids. People grow and change. It was young love. Puppy love.”
Jonah’s brows crashed together. “He was head over heels for you.”
Eli had been. He’d been fun in high school, but he’d gotten smothering when we’d started college. “Didn’t mean I was his happily ever after.”
Jonah shook his head. “Good thing he died not knowing different.”
I made a choking sound.
Jonah grimaced. “Shit, I’m getting all morbid. I just... think about him a lot.”
“He idolized you.” Eli had one major flaw and that was basing his identity on others.
“Yeah, he did. That’s why he was in my cabin, drinking my bourbon. He’d seen me and Teller solve all of life’s problems over a glass and he thought he’d do the same. I just wish I’d known what was bothering him.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I hadn’t told anyone about that day. The outcome was bad enough. The details would make a hard time even harder. “I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be too hard on yourself.Eli had his own mind. He had his own feelings and his own reactions. We can’t... We can’t take responsibility for what he did.” My chest tightened and my breathing turned shallow.
Easier said than done was right.
Jonah was shaking his head, his jaw cut from granite.
I put my hand on his arm, only my fingers sticking out of the long sleeve of the coat. “I know. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. He wouldn’t have wanted that.” When I pulled my arm away, my hand disappeared in the material.
His gaze flicked down to where I had touched him through his sweatshirt. “If anyone knows what he would have wanted, it’s you.”
My nod was shaky. I had known what Eli wanted, and I’d known what I wanted. Neither of us had gotten it.
I lifted my sleeve, striving to change the subject. Once again, I was a chicken and taking an out when I saw it. “When we get to Mama’s, I’ll change and give these back to you before you leave.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not skiing anytime soon.” The echo of loss was louder than any humor in his voice.
He let off the brake and pulled onto the highway. I was tempted to tell him to turn back. I’d run away from my wedding, but I wasn’t ready to return to my life. But after the last few minutes, if I stayed with Jonah, I’d only be reminded of another time I’d fled my problems and let more than myself down.
CHAPTER SIX
Summer
