“It’s fine, Mom.”
But it’s not fine. For so long, I’ve carried around a fear of failing my son, and of being like my parents. I let that fear convince me I’m too damaged to give him what he needs, and without my realizing it, that fear led to this disconnect.
Fucking hell. Alex was kind of right.Gag.
I was so caught up in proving I could be a good parent, I lost sight of what actually makes a good parent.
“Hey, you know I love you, right?” I ask softly. “No matter what. Nothing can ever make me love you less.”
In a whisper to match mine, Jonas replies, “I know, Mom. I love you, too.”
I tighten my hold, leaning to kiss his head. He immediately shoves me away with a disgusted snarl, and all I can do is laugh. Something shifts in my chest. I may not always get it right, but I’ll never stop trying. Loving him the best way I know how, through the frustration and mess and heartache. Because despite it all, he deserves to be loved.
And so do I.
“You know I gotta talk to your teacher and Principal Maher about this—about what’s been going on with Logan.”
Jonas looks past me to Colt for reassurance, and though something tightens around my heart with the knowledge thatI’m not his go-to person for advice, a weight simultaneously rolls off my shoulders. Because Colt is here.
“Your mom’s right,” he says. “She always is.”
Turning the corner, we’re thrown into the event chaos, with music crackling through worn-out speakers and an overwhelming number of food smells. A group of kids whiz past us, seemingly playing a game of tag. And Theo’s sitting on a bench outside the main gym doors, looking worried as hell. His eyes brighten upon seeing us without a teacher escort or handcuffs or whatever his worst-case scenario daydream was.
“Yeah…You can tell them.” Jonas grimaces. “If youreallyhave to.”
My lips purse, head bobbing slightly. “Ireallyhave to, kiddo. Go let Theo know we cleaned his desk up.”
Watching him walk away, I speak softly from the corner of my mouth. “Thank you for that.”
“You are always right, in case you didn’t know.” Colt steps in close to my side, filling the gap Jonas left.
I snort softly. There areso manythings I’ve been wrong about.
“I wasn’t right when I said it would be easier if you left.” I angle my head to catch his face in my periphery, and something warm rushes over me when I find him staring back. “We’ve missed—I’ve missed you.”
“I’m still here. Even if it’s only as your friend right now.” His voice roughens, and the slow lick of his bottom lip demands my attention.
“You really look like you want to kiss me,friend.”
“If you want to keep me around, you better get used to it. I know I promised an Oscar-worthy performance, but it turns out I suck at pretending I don’t want to kiss you every waking moment of the day.”
My head and my heart are a mess. For years, I was a shepherd of my heart, unintentionally leading it away from happiness for fear of pain. For fear ofthis.
Before Colt it was easy to convince myself that apathy was as close to true happiness as most people happened to find. Then he came in and saw beyond the mess. There was candy and wildflowers and laughter and, for a moment, hope.
“Guess that makes two of us.”
Colt
I tear a piece of sourdough in half and share it with Betty, who’s curled in a ball next to me on my parents’ couch. She crunches happily, leaving crumbs scattered over my thigh and the cushion, then her tongue darts out to pick them up.
Mom’s mug clinks down on her slate coaster. “You said you had something to talk to me about, but all you’ve done is eat half a loaf of sourdough.”
“It’s good sourdough,” I mumble around a mouthful of moist, warm bread. Once it’s washed down with a gulp of chocolate chip frappe, I clear my throat. “Um, yeah. I need your advice.”
Trying not to appear too eager, Mom settles into the plush upholstery of the couch and tucks her feet underneath her. The movement earns a displeased side-eye from Betty until she sees Mom’s sherpa blanket being yanked from the back of the couch, and suddenly they’re curled up underneath it together.
“Okay, so…my head’s all messed up about Whit right now. I think I’m finally starting to see which way is up, but I need to know if I’m being an idiot.”
