I shake my head and reach up to pat my fingers on my swollen, flushed cheeks. My mind’s whirling wildly, and I shove my way through the storm, determined to focus. “No, I need…weneed to talk. I’ve already put it off for too long.”
His body freezes under me, and worry fills the sudden creases in his forehead. “Um…let’s go out to the living room?”
I slowly crawl out of his lap and move to sit cross-legged on the floor. “I don’t want Jonas seeing me like this.”
“Okay then…right here it is. Can we turn this rackety dryer off, though?”
After receiving a tentative nod from me, he shuts it off. Now it’s too quiet. We’re staring at each other, our knees touching, and the only sound is ambient video game music drifting up the stairs.
“So…”
“So,” he repeats. “You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”
I recoil. “WithAlex? No. I haven’t been in love with him in…shit. It’s been a long time.”
“Oh, I thought…” His Adam’s apple bobs with a swallow. “I thought you were upset because you’re still in love with him, and now he’s with somebody else.”
Somehow I’m not entirely out of tears, despite my body feeling shriveled and dehydrated. I blink them away. Falling into another puddle of despair won’t make this conversation any easier.
“Y-you thought that and still sat here consoling me?”
“Of course…I told you I’d be here for you. And maybe it makes me a fucking idiot to sit here soaking up your tears while you cry about somebody else, but I’ll do it anyway. Because I’m a man of my word and also I’m stupidly in love with you.”
That’s all it takes to sever the veins and arteries connecting my heart to the rest of my body.
I don’t deserve that love. I don’t deserve him.
“N-no—you’re not.” My lip wobbles, and I brush at the salt itching my cheek. “I can’t…I can’t be enough for you.”
“Whit, you’re not just enough. You’reeverything.”
“No.No, I’m not,” I whisper. “There’s so much you don’t know about me.”
He shakes his head, tongue skating between his teeth. “We went over this. I know what I need to know, and I have no doubt you’ll fill me in on the blanks as we go. That silly stuff doesn’t matter. There’s a connection that’s so much deeper than that—and I know you feel it, too.”
“It’s…” Looking down at my lap, I pluck at the skin I’ve managed to tear apart around my fingernails. They’re red and puffy, which is what I imagine my entire body looks like after sobbing on the floor for so long. “I wasn’t crying because I’m sad about Alex. I’m…” I take a heaving breath. “I’m not the one giving Jonas a sibling. That kills me.”
He rocks forward to slide a hand into my hair, pressing his forehead against mine. Even though I know what’s about to come, I let it happen. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply, I lock away the scent of him in my lungs for safekeeping. If this is the last time I feel his hands on me, I want to soak it in. Memorize every part of his touch.
“Maybe this is too forward…. Hell, Iknowit’s too forward. But I’m willing to do anything to put a smile back on my girl’s face.” His lips press to mine, slowly turning into a smile that I can’t help but mimic. His soft laughter fills my mouth, my lungs, my heart. “Okay, turns out that was easierthan I thought. But you’re already a great mom, and I’d love a kid someday, so I was going to say…we can.”
We can?
I spring backward. “Colt…”
“I know I said it’s too forward. I was just—”
“I can’t have more kids.”
The truth hangs suspended in the warm, humid air. A door slamming shut between him and me, snapping the invisible strings that he seemed to believe were tethering our souls.
“Well…” His brows pull together with confusion.
“After Jonas was born, I hemorrhaged…. I lost so much blood so quickly, I don’t really remember much. Um…they were giving me transfusions and trying to stop it, but…” A shiver carries along my spine at the memory of the weeks following the emergency procedure. “But I woke up missing a uterus. They did emergency surgery to save my life. And I’m so,sograteful they did…but I can’t get pregnant. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
Rare silence from the man who always has a quippy response in his pocket.
I sniffle, swiping my fingers along my teary waterlines and refusing to look anywhere but at the floor. “It took a long time to grapple with having that choice taken from me. And for the most part, I’m at peace with Jonas being my only kid. Sometimes it…it fucking sucks, ya know? It…it really hit me in a sore spot hearing that Alex gets to carry on and have another baby. After everything. Why him and not me?”
