My gelding, Vegas, stamps through the muddy creek bed and grunts his way up the embankment alongside a couple thousand head of cattle. The scents of fresh pine and newly thawed earth flood my nostrils as we climb away from the creek. The mountain’s bursting with early wildflowers and all the grass our herd could hope for. Spring couldn’t have come soon enough, after a winter of dealing with a hay shortage. Even from at least a hundred feet away, I can feel Austin take his first relieved exhale in months. This ranch may technically be in all three of our names, but as the oldest brother and the one responsible for tracking finances, he’s always bearing the brunt of hard times. And it shows in his gruff tone and sullen attitude—made slightly better now that he has his fiancée, Cecily.
I feel guilty sometimes, like maybe I need to take more weight off his shoulders. Occasionally, I hate that I’ve given up just as much of my life for this place as he has, and he’s the only one allowed to be pissy about the hand he was dealt. Since Blair’s been back in town, I’ve been feeling the latter more often than not.
When Blair and I were teenagers, she helped with a few cattle drives. Andfucking hell,I can still picture her riding across this clearing with her cowboy hat pulled low over her eyes, long hair flying behind her. Fully in her element, Blair’s smile shone brighter than the sun, and was more beautifulthan the hillside blanketed in blue and white flowers. I try to imagine what she might do for fun now, with her city-slicker clothes, fancy nurse practitioner job, and city-boy fiancé. If there’s anything in her life that makes her face light up the same way.
Clearly I’m in a daze, because I don’t notice Red riding up beside me until he taps me on the arm. “Made it through another winter.”
“We always do.” I run a hand along the brim of my Stetson, adjusting it so I can look at him without squinting in the harsh midday sun. “Bet you’re ready to get back to your family.”
“Definitely.” He spits chewing tobacco on the ground between us. “You know…this used to be my favorite part of this job—getting away from everything for a few days, drinking whiskey and playing cards with you guys at night. But,fuck,now I can’t stop wondering what Cass and Little Spud are doing.”
“Makes sense.”
What doesn’t make sense is why I keep wondering what Blair’s doing. As if it’s any of my business.
“Blair’s staying with Cass to help with the baby while we’re out here,” he says like he can read my mind. “Bet they’re doing nothing but binge-watching those ridiculous dating shows on Netflix and eating junk food.”
I don’t want to assume she’s avoiding me, but she sure likes to be at the ranch anytime I’m not around. With the exception of the day I finished work early and caught her off guard—the day I nearly threw caution to the wind and kissed her on the stairs of my childhood home, just to see if it still feels the same as it used to.
Then a sentence slips free from between my lips, because my brain’s too busy spiraling to think before I talk. “You’d think her fiancé wouldn’t be too thrilled about her hanging around a cattle ranch with a bunch of cowboys all the time.”
“Her fiancé?” Red snorts. “Unless something’s changed over the two days we’ve been away, Blair’s not engaged to anybody.”
“But…she was wearing a ring at the Horseshoe. I could’ve sworn—a massive rock on her left hand. Impossible to miss.”
“How much did you have to drink? Maybe you were seeing things.”
“Yeah…maybe.”
It could have been a hallucination. This isn’t the first time I’ve questioned whether I’ve conjured things up when it comes to her. For years after she left, I’d have moments where I questioned if Blair Hart was only ever a figment of my imagination. If my brain had dreamt up this perfect girl—one who would ruin me for every other woman—as a nasty trick.
But now that I know she’s real and fiancé-less?
I’m not sure if what we had as kids means anything to her anymore, but there’s no way I can pass up the opportunity to attempt to make things right. If there’s one thing I learned from losing so many of the people I loved in one fell swoop, it’s to not take things for granted. For months after my life fell apart, time seemed to stand still. And then it dawned on me that I was the one not moving. I was ignoring the people who meant the most to me, I wasn’t fighting to get Blair back, I wasn’t even living.
Standing on the edge of a literal cliff, I tossed my portion of Mom’s ashes into the wind and made a pact with myself. Tell the people I love that I love them. If someone asks for help, be there. And if the love of my life ever decides to give me a second chance, make sure she doesn’t regret it.
It doesn’t seem likely that Blair has any interest in giving me another shot. But even if she still hates me, I can’t sit here wondering anymore. Not after years of dialing her number, then canceling the call before the first ring. Not after years ofbriefly stopping at the end of her parents’ driveway, questioning whether it’s worth asking them to pass along a message.
Red snaps a finger in front of my face and stares at me with furrowed brows. “You good?”
“Yeah, yeah. Just thinking about the rodeo in a couple weeks,” I lie. “You coming? I miss having you behind the chutes, man.”
If he doesn’t buy my lie, he does a good job of not giving enough of a shit to call me out. “I have to talk to Cassidy first, but maybe. I’m sure she’ll want to get out of the house, too.”
“You and Cass being together—having a kid together—still feels crazy to me. Can’t believe you went and grew up.”
“Best thing that could’ve happened to me, man. This time last year, I would’ve never expected it.” He rubs his palm across the stubble on his jaw. “Don’t get me wrong, it was fun hitting up rodeos every weekend, drinking, being a stupid kid. But if I had known there was a chance I could end up with Cassidy, I would’ve given that all up a long time ago. Would’ve gotten my shit together sooner.”
“Well, better late than never, right?”
He looks pointedly at me, then gives his mare a little kick, trotting to rejoin the rest of the guys back on the north side of the creek. I take another minute alone to watch the cattle slowly disperse before turning and following after the other cowboys.
Catching back up to Red, I say, “For the record, I have my shit together. I’m just not interested in anything long term. No kids and wife in the cards for this guy.”
“I said the same thing at one point.” He reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out a bottle of water. A far cry from previous cattle drives, when we guzzled beer the entire ride back to the ranch. “Now I have the girl I always wanted, and the world’s cutest baby.”
“And the dad bod to match.” I slap him on the stomachwith a laugh and give Vegas a little kick, escaping right before Red’s hand can hit me upside the head.
