“Respectfully, fuck off. I don’t give a shit whether other women have done this.” Modern medicine exists for a reason, and I planned on taking advantage. I didn’t plan for this. Not a single part of me thought a homebirth was appealing—in fact, I promptly shut Blair down with a string of expletives when she mentioned it as an option months ago. “Bath. Definitely bath.” My hand’s trembling so aggressively it’s a struggle to keep my phone from crashing to the floor.
By the time Chase is done talking to dispatch, I’m naked and climbing into the empty bathtub, with Blair left sitting on the closed toilet lid.
“Jesus, sweetheart. Let me help you. Here.” He grabs my elbow, lowering my shaky body down. Tears stream down my face, and he kneels next to the tub, turning on the tap and holding his hand under the running water to ensure the right temperature. “What do you need from me, Cass?”
“I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t want to do this. It’s not how it’s supposed to be.”
“I know. But Blair’s right—you’re strong. If anybody can do this, it’s you.”
“Yes, you can!” Blair’s yell echoes through the small bathroom.
I want to tell them to shut up, but my brain is floating somewhere outside of my body. It feels as if I’m tumbling through ocean waves, unable to do anything except focus on getting a breath of air every time I briefly surface. I don’t know if I’m not in pain or if I’m in so much pain my body has simply stopped registering it.
34
Red
She’s zoned out, staring at the faucet, knuckles white as she grips the tub edge, face blanched. I don’t know if Blair’s still on the phone—I assume so—but the air’s been terrifyingly quiet since the last contraction ended. I didn’t tell Cass that the ambulance estimated it would be forty-five minutes. But I’m sure she knows it won’t get all the way to the ranch anytime soon.
“Sweetheart, do you want me in there with you?”
Saying nothing, she scooches forward, and I strip down in record time. Then slip in behind her. Just like last time, when I felt our baby kick and all but confessed to Cassidy that I love her. She leans back, and I whisper against her hair, “I love you.”
“I’m so scared,” she whispers back.
“I know.” It’s all I can say, stroking my hand softly over her hair. I’m scared, too. So fucking scared. I know all the things that can go wrong. I’ve helped with calving a few thousand times—calves die, cows die, they need medical intervention. If anything happens, I will never forgive myself for not forcing her to stay in a hotel in Sheridan for the past two weeks.
She groans, moving her hand from the tub to grab hold of mine and squeezing so hard the bones might shatter.
“Breathe, Cass,” I say because it’s the only thing I can think of that might help in this situation.
She braces her feet at the far end of the bathtub. While I didn’t know my heart was capable of beating as fast as it has for the last twenty minutes, it somehow finds yet another gear. Slamming against my chest as I hold Cass, feeling her bear down with a guttural moan that reverberates through me.
“I’m so proud of you.” I kiss her on top of the head when her body finally relaxes, brushing a strand of hair from her sweat-slicked forehead.
“Thank you—also, fuck you.” With another contraction, her nails dig into my forearm, no doubt drawing blood.
Three intense pushes later, I watch the love of my life reach down to pull the new love of my life onto her chest. Small, head full of hair, screaming loud enough I’m impressed glass isn’t shattering. And, as expected, the look in Cassidy’s eyes while she stares down at our baby girl is the most incredible moment I’ve ever witnessed.
“You did it, sweetheart. You fucking did it. I love you so much. You’re so beautiful and incredible and,holy shit, I fucking love you.“ One hand smooths over her hair, while the other rubs slow circles on our Little Spud’s back. My vision’s blurred with tears, and the echoing baby cries are the most miraculous sound I’ve ever heard. And Cass tilts her head to kiss me in a way that makes the world stop spinning entirely.
This time, the doctors don’t fuck around when the ambulance drops us off at the hospital two full hours later. Once it’s confirmed that Cassidy and the baby are okay, they put us into a proper room. A private one complete with real walls, a pungent sterile smell, and a view of the snowycourtyard—not that I plan on looking at anything but the perfect girls cozied up in the reclined hospital bed.
When the nurse leaves, I tuck the powder-blue blanket around Cass’s legs and sit on the edge of the bed to watch my girls. Just as I suspected, Cass is a natural. Even before the ambulance arrived, she had the baby fed and perfectly swaddled in a thick blanket. Honestly, if it weren’t for my fear about all the things that could go wrong, she probably would’ve told the paramedics to stand down.
“Sorry about the red hair.” I smooth my thumb carefully over the freshly cleaned, silky, peach-coloured hair.
“I would’ve been a little disappointed if she was born with anything but.” Her eyes leave our perfect, sleeping baby for only a split second to make contact with mine. She tucks fallen hair behind her ear with a drowsy smile. “I love her so much but, like, she kind of looks like a potato, right? Did I eat too many and make a potato baby? Did we jinx it by calling her Little Spud?”
I laugh and gently cover her tiny ears. “Shush. Hazel’s the most beautiful tiny potato.”
Cass looks up at me and raises an eyebrow. “Hazel?”
“It was on your list, wasn’t it? I like it. What do you think?”
She twirls her hair into a makeshift bun at the nape of her neck with one hand. “I love it. That was always my top choice from the list.”
“Perfect baby Hazel. I have a feeling she’s going to give us a run for our money.”
