I shake my head and brush the snow from my coveralls. “I need some more alcohol first.Shit—falling off hurts more and more every year.”
Back at the bonfire, the ranch hands are playing beer pong on the flat deck of Colt’s pickup. Somebody’s cranked the truck speaker so loud the bass comes out scratchy. And I snatch the whiskey bottle from Austin for another long pull. “Are we getting too old for this shit?”
“Definitely.” Austin shakes his head, holding Cecily tight on his lap. They kiss, and it feels like I’ve taken a bull horn to the sternum.
Cass was never mine to start with.Even when we were fucking and sleeping in the same bed every night, she made it clear we were nothing more than friends-with-benefits. And, apparently, friends-with-benefits don’t kiss under any circumstance. Who the hell am I to argue? I’d follow any bullshit rules she gave me if it meant being in her life.
At midnight, I watch the couples kiss and text Cass to wish her a happy new year, knowing she likely won’t reply. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve never cared about somebody enough to be put in a position where I might have to fight to keep them. And losing this girl isn’t an option.
The rest of the night’s filled with mayhem, alcohol, and singing country songs at the top of our lungs. I can’t go more than two minutes without thinking of her—no amount of liquor seems to erase the constant missing her. It does nothing to ease the dull ache in my chest or the weariness in my bones. But, damnit, that doesn’t stop me from trying.
Even with all the cowboys working together to dethrone Denny, he comes out on top. Reigning champ four years in a row—and he won’t let us forget it, either. Kate presents him with a purple and gold crown from Odessa’s dress-up box, which is still firmly on his head when he passes out on the bunkhouse couch at three in the morning.
21
Cassidy
Closing The Horseshoe’s front door behind me, I turn the deadbolt and stroll past the bar to my dad’s back office. He’s here early to do payroll, which means it’s the best opportunity to get him alone—before the kitchen staff have shown up, after the grocery and liquor deliveries.
In Dad’s mind, I should be having a baby completely on my own. And, while I don’t know exactly what Chase and I are to each other, I know he’s going to be in my life. There can’t be any conflict between the two of them when the baby arrives. I haven’t found the words I want to say to Chase yet, but I can work on my dad in the meantime.
My knuckles rap twice on the door before his voice beckons me in.
“Hey, kiddo. Why are you here so early?”
I toss my purse on the faded-orange armchair, which has a worn-out floral pattern straight out of 1975. Then I plop down, eager to take some pressure off my lower back, and look around at the depressing, undecorated space. After owning the bar for close to thirty years, you’d think he would addsomethingto the office he spends hours in every day. Instead, it’s just dingy white walls, a desk overwhelmed with unfiled paperwork, a filing cabinet, and this old chair.
I take a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about something.”
My hand finds its way to my stomach, which appears to be growing exponentially now after a slow start. I always thought pregnant people rubbed their stomach for attention, but now I understand it’s an unconscious habit. If my hands aren’t preoccupied, they’re probably on the baby bump.
“Okay.” He sets down his pencil and pulls the reading glasses from his face, setting them on a teetering stack of paperwork. “What’s up, buttercup?”
“Dad… we need to talk about Chase—Red. I know you’re choosing to pretend he’s not part of this, but he is. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him sooner. I didn’t mean to lie to you, honestly. You just assumed about Derek, and I lied by omission.” I gulp, watching his forehead wrinkle more and more with every word I say. “You were already so disappointed in me, I didn’t want to make it worse. I also never expected you to find out the way you did… that was the first time he stayed over, and it was honestly because of the storm.”
“First time… not only time. So he’s stayed over since? In the house I own?”
Shit.
“Yeah.” I rub my temples vigorously. This conversation is already not going the way I’d rehearsed a dozen times over the past twenty-four hours. “I need you to hear me out, though. You have valid reasons to be wary—I get it. But he’s been all-in with this pregnancy since the day he found out. Chase checks in on me constantly and does anything I ask. When I was sick, he made sure I was eating every day. He’s driven me home when Shelby was too boy-crazy to care when I was tired. He’s been to my appointments and made me feel better when the doctor was a jerk. Is he perfect? No. But there’s no questioning his love for this baby. That’s all I can ask for.”
Tongue tucked in his cheek, Dad rolls his office chair closer to me. “You were too young to really see what kind of guy Joe Thompson was when he still lived here. And I see the same issues in Red. I don’t want you to be stuck dealing with that shit.”
“So you think I’m the same as Mom? I’m gonna ditch this kid when I decide I’m tired of being tied down, right? Because when you talk shit about Chase and his dad, the little voice in my head tells me”—I wipe the tears clinging to my eyelashes before they mess up my work makeup for tonight—“you’re probably wondering the same thing about me. You’re just too scared to say it. I grew up with a crappy mother. He grew up with a crappy father. I don’t think—I fucking hope—that doesn’t mean we’re destined to screw up this baby girl.”
“Cassie, you’re nothing like your mother.”
“Aside from the fact that half of my DNA is hers.”
His fingers interlace behind his neck, and his gaze turns to the ceiling. “I understand you’re a grown woman now, and I can’t tell you what to do. That said, I don’t think involving him is a good idea.”
“My child is gonna be lucky enough to have two parents who love her—I’llneverdeny her that. I don’t think you really understand how hard it was for me to not have both you and Mom growing up. I know you did so much, and I’m so thankful for you, Dad. But don’t you honestly wish that—even with her issues—Mom had been more permanent? I know it killed you when she walked in and out, too.”
He sighs, rocking back and forth. For a minute, there’s nothing but the incessant squeaking of the spring on his ancient desk chair. “If you insist on involving him, I still think you need to get him to—”
“Jesus Christ, Dad. I’m not making him sign child support papers or a custody agreement right now. I trust him. If anything changes, I’ll deal with it then. Be as disappointed as you want in me, but please stop trying to convince me to do everything the way you want it done.”
His tongue darts out to wet his lips, then he leans back in his chair, arms crossed against his chest, and blinks at me. I continuously wipe the tears before they can run but, judging by the mascara smeared on my fingers, my makeup is already too far gone. Vision blurred, I strain to read the tiny numbers on his desk clock. At least there’s time to run home and freshen up before my shift.
