“Ineverunderstood, Reginald,” Matthew said, emphasizing the one word. “I heard only that when I reached the age of eighteen I was going to be tossed out into the wide world to fend for myself. Rejected and unloved.”
“Papa could be blunt and tactless,” Reginald said. “He did not mean—”
“And then you stopped loving me,” Matthew said. He felt a bit like a petulant boy again.
Reginald closed his eyes and visibly winced. “Never that,” he said. “Oh, never that. But you became impossible. Totally out of control. I tried everything I could think of. But Papa convinced me that I was part of the problem, that I was indulging your bad behavior and must stop doing so—for your own good. He was an unimaginative man, Matt. I always realized that about him. And Mama was such a mouse of a woman that she would never speak up against him. But he was not a bad man. He was genuinely concerned about you and your future. He could only ever see one way to go—become stricter and stricter with you and force you into compliance.”
Matthew said nothing.
“The only person who seemed to have any influence on you was Clarissa Greenfield,” Reginald said. “I do not know how she did it or why she did it, but I blessed her in my prayers every night and morning. I did not have the courage—”
“To what?” Matthew asked when his brother stopped abruptly without completing his sentence.
Reginald shrugged. “Simply to love you,” he said. “And then, when you were already eighteen and showing no sign of settling down, you went and…impregnated Poppy and married her with no discernible plan for your future. And Papa at last admitted that he had failed with you, though I do not suppose he explained it that way to himself. He kicked you out, and it took some begging on my part to persuade Grandmama to take you in.”
Ah.
He had not known that. Good God!
“I suppose,” Reginald said, “you did it because Clarissa married Stratton. That must have been a nasty blow to you.”
“I never had any expectation of marrying her myself,” Matthew said. “That was not what our friendship was about.”
“No, I suppose not,” Reginald said. “And I persuaded Grandmama to change her will. It was not easy. I believe she did it eventually because for some strange reason she grew fond of Poppy.”
“Poppy was not a woman to be despised,” Matthew said. “She was a person. She was my wife.”
“Yes. I am sorry.” Reginald sighed. “I thought Grandmama might change her will back to the original after your wife and daughter died and you disappeared without a trace. We never talked about it. But she did not change a thing. And you did not come home, even after you returned to England. You never came home.”
“No,” Matthew said. “I did not know. About what you had done, I mean. I was not going to come back here and expect a prodigal’s welcome. I was not going to come back to the poisonous atmosphere that very nearly destroyed my spirit. Yes, I was bad. Yes, I was out of control. I was also a child when it all started. Children need to grow gradually into an understanding of life. They need to be loved while it happens. Not disciplined in some perversion of love.”
Reginald winced again.
“I have long forgiven my father,” Matthew said. “And my mother. They did what they thought was right, and I did not make it easy for them.”
“And me?” Reginald said. “Have you forgiven me?”
“You gave me a precious gift,” Matthew said. “One I knewnothing about until last week. Despite what you have said about ambition, I know it was a great sacrifice you made.”
“I wanted my brother close by and thriving,” Reginald said. “We could have been almost partners, as you had dreamed of when you were a child. My happiness would have been complete.”
“I do thank you,” Matthew said.
“But it was no substitute for love, was it?” Reginald said. “The love I withheld at a time when you needed it most. I did not have to listen to Papa, even though the habit of obeying him and convincing myself that he knew best was deeply ingrained in me. I was a young adult when I told you—the most nightmarish day of my life—that I would have nothing more to do with you until you learned to behave as you ought. I should have taken my own advice. I should have learned to behave as I ought. You were my brother, and I adored you and grieved over you. Effectively giving you property and income instead of love was no gift at all. You were right to stay away, Matthew. I did not deserve a relationship with you. But tell me now, because I have always worried—have you been happy?”
“Contented,” Matthew said.
“And you and Clarissa are still friends?” Reginald asked.
“Friends again,” Matthew said.
“I am glad,” his brother said.
“So am I.” Matthew got to his feet. “Maybe you will make my excuses to Adelaide. With thanks. I will walk over to the Greenfield house. Clarissa is there with her parents.”
Reginald jumped up in what looked like near panic. “Don’t go, Matt. Please don’t go,” he said. “I have never forgiven myself, if that is any consolation to you. And I understood your not returning here in all these years. I understood that the only way I could show my…love for you was to stay right out of your life and keep myfamily out of it. Philip is, of course, in his thirties. I could not forbid his writing to you a few weeks ago. I would never try to exert that sort of control over my children in any case. But I was sorry that you were to be bothered, that old wounds were perhaps going to be ripped open for you after all this time. And here you are as though to prove me right, obviously troubled by it all. Will you at least stay for luncheon? Addy will be upset if you do not. So will Philip and Emily.”
“And you?” Matthew asked.
