No, she told him, she was not afraid. She left and came back with one of her attractive wide-brimmed straw hats perched forward over her brow and secured with a wide ribbon bow at the back of her neck beneath her cap.
But he stopped her in the hall before they stepped outside. He made sure that he was not within earshot of any of the footmen, then said, “Emmy, answer some questions before we leave. We may need pen and paper. You did not see the person who shot at you this morning. Did you see the person who frightened you two days ago?”
He could see she had, though she was obviously reluctant to say so. But she did nod eventually. He breathed an inward sigh of relief and satisfaction.
“Who?” he said. “Tell me who.”
“No,” she told him, biting her lip.
“Emmy.” He caught at her upper arms and bent his head closer. “Let us go into the study. Write the name for me. I must know. I must be able to protect you from further harm.”
“No,” she said, frowning.
He drew a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. “Tell me, then,” he said. “Do you believe there is any connection between the two incidents?”
She was very firm in her answer. No, there was no connection. But how could she be certain? he wondered.
“Are you very sure of that?” he asked her. “Sure beyond any doubt at all?” He searched her eyes.
“Yes,” she said.
And so his final hope was gone. It was frustrating not to know who had frightened her so badly, but she seemed quite convinced that whoever it was had not also tried to kill her that morning.
They strolled along the river walk, her arm drawn firmly through his. Though he usually wore it only for evening dress occasions, he was wearing his sword beneath his skirted coat. And in one pocket of his coat he carried a loaded pistol. It was not a good way to be in one’s own home, he thought. Perhaps in a different home he would feel more in control, better able to protect his woman.
“Emmy,” he said, dipping his head so that she would see him beneath the brim of her hat. “Luke and Anna wish to take you home to Bowden. Perhaps even tomorrow.”
She stopped walking and stared at him with wide eyes.
“I cannot fight them on it,” he said. “I do not have the right. And I am as concerned for your safety as they are. What is your wish?”
She spoke very carefully. “You wahnt it?” she asked him. He could tell by her lifted brows that it was a question, not a statement.
Love made him selfish. He hesitated, but he shook his head finally. “No,” he said. “But you have been very badly frightened here, Emmy. Perhaps you ought to go. I can come to Bowden when I have settled a few things here.”
“No,” she said.
“You would not want me to come?” he asked her.
She tipped her head to one side and looked reproachfully at him. Iwill stay here,she told him firmly with her hands.
“I will make Penshurst safe for you, then,” he said. “I promise you, Emmy. And then you can live here without fear—forever, if you wish.”
It was the wrong time to say more, though he yearned to do so. And her eyes appeared to tell him that she wished it too. It just seemed to him that his life was still too full of tangles—or perhaps fuller of tangles now than it had been even the day before.
He bent his head and kissed her.
•••
Shewoke up with a feeling of deep dread. The room was dark despite the fact that the curtains were pulled back both from about her bed and from the window. It was still. Not a shadow moved. But why would she expect one to do so? And why this feeling?
It was only when she gripped the bedclothes covering her and felt the bandage on her left hand and winced with the pain of the sudden movement that she remembered. She did not like the helpless feeling that fear brought. All her life she had fought it. Because she was deaf, she was perhaps more susceptible to fear than most people. But she had never been willing for fear to master her. She had fought hard to be in control of her emotions, to make peace the dominating force of her life. She had tried again when she came to bed earlier. She had refused to have either Anna or a maid sleep in her room with her. She had even refused to allow herself to leave the candles burning.
It seemed that since coming to Penshurst there had been nothing but one fear following another. Perhaps she ought to do what Anna and Luke wished her to do and what even Ashley advised. Perhaps she should leave Penshurst and go home to Bowden. But she did not want to leave. She wanted to stay with Ashley. He had mentioned forever during their walk by the river. She wanted forever with him, or at least the rest of their lives. She even dared to hope that he was coming to love her as she loved him. Besides, she did not want to run from her fear. If she ran now, perhaps she would find herself running all her life. She would start seeing herself as a handicapped person.
She had given in to the temptation to take a small dose of laudanum again at bedtime, she remembered. Her hand had been stinging beyond her power to ignore. The effects of the drug had worn off. Doubtless it was the disorienting effect of emerging from her drugged state that had caused her to wake up in the state of panic that still had her heart thumping uncomfortably against her rib cage. The fear was so very hard to shrug off. She dared not move. But why?
She deliberately turned onto her side, wriggling and squirming to find a comfortable position. She would conquer this fear soon, she decided. She would close her eyes and go back to sleep.
