“I would like to be able to figure,” Lily said. “Not just on my fingers or in my head, but—oh, but as Mrs. Ailsham and the countess do in the household books. They showed them to me one morning. They could both make sense of what was written there and they could use the figures to know what had been happening at the abbey and to plan what would happen. IwishI could do that. I wish I could keep books and know how to run something as big and important as Newbury Abbey.”
“And your last wish, Lily?”
“I have always been comfortable with other people,” she said after thinking for a while longer. “All kinds of people, even the officers when they were a part of the regiment. But I do not feel comfortable withyourkind of people. I would like to learn…how to behave, how to converse, how to do what is expected of me. I would like to learn the manners of your class. Not because I aspire to belong to it, but because—oh, I do not know quite why. Because I admire you, perhaps. Because I respect the countess.”
Elizabeth said nothing for a while. “I am not sure I should consider your wishes as five, Lily,” she said at last. “Really they are all one—the desire for knowledge and the education of a lady. One might add painting and needlework and dancing and the knowledge of languages, perhaps, but they would really be included in one or other of the five things for which you have wished.Doyou paint or dance or know any languages other than English? I know that you can darn and mend but not embroider.”
“I can speak Hindi and Spanish,” Lily said. “We used to dance country dances. I have never painted.”
But their conversation was interrupted at that point by the carriage’s turning into the cobbled yard of a posting inn for a change of horses. It was amazing to Lily to realize that after the first hour her mind had been pleasantly occupied. She had been almost enjoying herself. And it was all Elizabeth’s doing—she had set herself to take her companion’s mind off the wretched misery of that parting.
The Duke of Anburey had bespoken a private parlor at the inn, and the six of them dined together. Lady Wilma was ecstatic at the prospect of going at last to London, where the Season would already be in progress. Her conversation was all of balls and routs and theaters and court presentations and Vauxhall and Almack’s. It was dizzying to Lily, who forced herself to eat at least a small meal and made no attempt to participate in anything that was being said even when Joseph suggested that the discomforts of their journey were probably nothing compared with those of the sort of traveling she had done in the Peninsula. She smiled vaguely at him even as she realized that, like Elizabeth, he was trying to divert her mind from what weighed it down like a ton of lead.
She kept wondering whathewas doing at that precise moment.
Elizabeth resumed their interrupted conversation after Joseph had handed them back into the carriage and they were on their way again.
“Well, Lily,” she said, patting her briskly on the knee, “I can see that the next month or two with you are going to be interesting indeed. Did I use the wordfunyesterday? The coming months are certainly going to be fun—yes, it is quite the right word. We, my dear, with the help of all the best instructors I can hire, are going to transform you into a lady, with a lady’s education and accomplishments—all within a month or two or ten. Obviously some things will take longer than others. What do you say?”
Lily said nothing for several moments. They had been playing agameof what-if, had they not? “No,” she said, frowning. “Oh, no. Teachers would have to be paid salaries.”
“And the best teachers would have to be paidhighsalaries.” Elizabeth was smiling. “Lily, my dear, I am almost indecently wealthy.”
“But you cannot spend any of it on me,” Lily said, aghast. “I am yourservant.”
“Well, yes,” Elizabeth agreed. “For your pride’s sake I will concede that point, Lily. But servants, you know, have to earn their salaries. And how do they do that? By obeying their employers, by catering to their every whim. I am one of the most fortunate of women, you know, for any number of reasons. But having everything—almosteverything—one could possibly need can have its disadvantages, especially when one is a woman. There is a certain boredom with which to contend. I cannot tell you when I lasthad fun. Overseeing your education will be that, Lily. You must not deny me, not when you have confessed that it is what you want more than almost anything else in this world.”
It had not been a game, Lily realized suddenly. And she had not been hired to serve—at least, not in any conventional sense. Elizabeth had intended this all along. She had intended to amuse herself and delight Lily by making a lady out of her.
It would be impossible.
It would not!
It would be glorious and wonderful. She could learn to read. She would be able to readbooks. She would be able to fill a room with music—with her very own fingers. She would be able…Oh, there were too many dazzling possibilities crowding her mind.
There was a new dream.
“What are you thinking?” Elizabeth asked.
“I will be able—when I leave you, that is,” Lily said, “to find employment as a shop assistant or perhaps even as—as a governess.” It was a dizzying prospect. She would acquire knowledge and then she would be able to pass it on to others.
“Of course,” Elizabeth said. “Or perhaps you will marry, Lily. I intend to take you with me to meet thetonbefore the Season is over. It is one of the duties of a companion, you know. But you will be more than a companion—you will be a friend and a participant in the social functions we will attend.”
Lily sat back in her seat. “Oh, no,” she said. “No, no, that would be impossible. I am not a lady.”
“Very true,” Elizabeth agreed. “And thebeau mondeis very high in the instep about such matters as birth and connections. Behaving like a lady does not, with the highest sticklers, make one into a lady. But there are exceptions to most rules. Remember if you will, Lily, how famous you are. Your story—your arrival in the middle of Neville and Lauren’s wedding, his announcement that you were the wife he had long thought dead, his account of your wedding and apparent death—will still be the sensation of London. The rest of the story—the discovery that your marriage is not valid after all, your refusal to make it valid by going through another nuptial servicewith the Earl of Kilbourne—will set thetonon its ears. They will be in a frenzy to meet you, even to catch a glimpse of you. When it is known that you are living with me, invitations will pour in. But we will keep everyone waiting for a while. When you do appear, Lily, you will take London by storm. In addition to the story, you see, there are your natural beauty and grace and charm. And by the time you appear, we will have added the refinement of genteel manners and fashionable appearance. I daresay you could marry a duke if you wished—and if there were a suitable one available.” She laughed softly. She was clearly enjoying herself.
“I cannot ever marry,” Lily said, ignoring the rest of the frightening—and undeniably exciting—picture Elizabeth had just painted for her. She smoothed her hands over the gloves that lay in her lap.
“Why not?” The question was quietly asked, but it demanded an answer.
Lily was quiet for a long time.Because I am already married. Because I love him. Because I have lain with him and given him, not only my body, but all that is myself. Because…Because, because.
“I cannot,” she said at last. “You must know the reason.”
“Yes, my dear.” Elizabeth reached along the seat and squeezed one of her hands. “It would be trite for me to assure you that time will heal. I have never experienced anything nearly as intense as what you have suffered and are suffering, and so I cannot know for sure that such wounds as yours will ever heal. But you are a woman of great fortitude and strength of character, Lily. I am sure I am correct in that judgment. You willlive, my dear. You will not merely drag on an existence. I will give you the benefit of my resources and connections, but I will not be doing anything of substance for you. You will do that for yourself. I have every confidence in you.”
Lily was not sure it was well placed. Her spirits, which the game-turned-reality had sent soaring with the excitement of new dreams, were flagging again. With every passing hedgerow and milepost more distance was being set between her and him, and it was a distance that could never again be closed. She was not sure at that precise moment that she wanted even to drag on an existence, let alone make the effort tolive.
