Elizabeth made her way to bed soon after, not sure if she was happy because it had been a lovely party and the perfect culmination to a memorable Christmas, or if she was sad because she had been teased and had been unable to take the teasing as lightly as it had been intended.
But no. She positively refused to be melancholy and to be such a killjoy that she could not take a teasing. It had been a lovely party, and the very best part of it had been the waltz—oh, and standing at the refreshment table afterward being teased. The teasing has been the best part of the evening and the worst.
How could it possibly be both?
But she was too tired to work out the problem in her head. And in her head was all it was. Why lose sleep over a muddled head?
She did not lose sleep.
She drifted off to the memory of the waltz tune and the thumping feet and clapping hands of those who watched.
And the smell of his cologne.
And his words…You are poised and beautiful from the inside out and I feel honored that you agreed to waltz with me.
Absurd, absurd, absurd.
But she fell asleep with a smile on her lips.
Five
Colin was able to leave Brambledean the following day even though the roads were still not ideal for travel and it took his carriage almost an hour longer than usual to cover the nine miles to Withington House.
It felt good to be home. He read a great deal over the next week and wrote letters to various friends and to his sister Ruby in Ireland. He also wrote a careful reply to one of his neighbors at Roxingley, a man he could not remember ever meeting in person, who had complained, not for the first time, about the nature of the house party that had been held at his home over Christmasin his lordship’s absence. Those four words had been heavily underlined.
He called upon some of the neighbors close to Withington, and a few called upon him. He accepted an invitation to dine at the home of one family on New Year’s Eve and was touched to find that his attendance was much appreciated by both his hosts and their guests. Dinner was followed by an informal dance, and he was careful to lead out each of the young ladies in turn. It felt good to be an accepted member of a neighborhood, even a favorite.
And it gave a lift to his spirits to be at the start of a new year. There was never any real difference between the last day of December and the first day of January, except that twenty-four hours had slipped by, but New Year, spelled significantly with capital letters when written down, was a symbolic occasion upon which one could readjust one’s thinking and habits and believe that one’s life could change and proceed in newer and better ways. There was always that extra awareness, that new blossoming of hope and resolve at New Year.
He could, if he really wanted to, take charge of his life during the coming year. He could become Lord Hodges in fact as well as just in name. Though that was not entirely fair to himself. He did take his responsibilities as a peer of the realm seriously. He had taken his seat in the House of Lords five years ago and was more faithful than many others in his attendance when it was in session.
But that in itself was not enough. He should take up residence at Roxingley instead of here. He should make a home of it. He should make it something respectable and respected rather than something to be ashamed of, something that could cause a neighbor to complain. It had never felt like home when he was growing up there, but there was no reason that could not change. After all, it was his now, and there was nothing inherently wrong with the house or the park or the surrounding farms, as far as he recalled. He could, if he really wanted to take his courage in both hands, confront his mother and Blanche, and make it clear to them that things must and would change. Though he winced somewhat at his mental choice of verb. Would it have to beconfrontation?
He very much feared it would.
He could do something even more decisive, something he had already been considering. He could take a wife and set up his nursery and establish a family of his own. He could work at shaping it into the entity he dreamed of, something more like the Westcott family than his own had been. All the rest would be far easier to accomplish if he were a married man.
Or so he imagined. Perhaps the opposite would be true.
But did he reallywantto live at Roxingley? He was happy here. Did he want to be a married man? He liked being single.
Why were duty and inclination so often at odds?
He sent a note to Brambledean, inviting Wren and Alexander to come for tea two days after New Year. He included Mrs. Westcott and Elizabeth in the invitation, on the assumption that they were still there. He had ambivalent feelings about Elizabeth’s coming, though. On the one hand he liked and admired her and even sometimes feared that he was a bit in love with her when it really was not that at all. He justlovedher, as though she were his sister. Though whenever his mind reasoned that way he knew that was not it either. He yearned for her friendship, her approval, her smiles, her jokes, her exuberance, her serenity. Forher.He felt totally at ease in her company. He could talk with her upon any subject that came into his head—or hers. He had missed her since coming home.
On the other hand he had blundered horribly with her—twice. As if the kiss after sledding were not enough, he had offended her, made her uncomfortable, even perhaps hurt her with his teasing at the Boxing Day party when he had suggested that she marry him. Though, to be perfectly honest with himself, he had been feeling a bit wistful too after that joyful waltz andalmostwished it were possible to be serious. But she was a lady he respected more than any other, and he had embarrassed her, curse him. But shelikedjoking and laughing. Dash it all, life could be very complicated at times.
He half hoped that she had already returned home to Kent. The other half of him hoped she had not.
Yes, very complicated indeed.
•••
Elizabeth went to Withington since she and her mother had stayed on at Brambledean after the New Year. She looked forward to seeing Colin again despite some leftover embarrassment at how she had allowed her genuine liking for him to stray into forbidden territory. Fortunately no one seemed to have noticed any sign of indiscretion. She was, of course, an expert at pushing feelings deep and smiling upon the world.
He was at the open door of the house to greet them on the appointed afternoon, despite the blustery chill of a January day. He hugged and kissed Wren. He hugged Elizabeth and her mother and shook Alex’s hand.
“I would say welcome to my home if it were not in fact Roe’s—Wren’s,” he said, laughing as he helped Elizabeth’s mother off with her heavy cloak. “But welcome anyway. My cook has been excelling herself if the smells wafting upstairs all day are any indication. I intend to send you home too stuffed to eat any dinner tonight. Come into the drawing room and warm yourselves. I have just had more coal put on the fire.”
