“I cannot see any solution, Becky,” he said. His voice was quite toneless. “We love each other. I would give mylife for you. But we cannot marry, love. At the moment,perhaps, you do not care. But you would some time in thefuture, probably quite soon. You would remember that Ionce put my family before my love for you, and youwould be bitter again. And I would not be able to defendmyself, because I know you have every right to despiseme. You were my betrothed. I had offered myself to you.And then I married someone else.”
“What do you mean when you say you put your family before me?” Rebecca asked. “What did your family haveto do with what you did?”
He looked down at her. “Is it possible that you never heard the real story?” he asked. “I would have thoughtthe truth would have come out long ago, though at thetime I chose to give you no reason for my actions. Ipreferred to have you think me a fortune hunter than toknow the truth.”
“I know nothing,” Rebecca said, looking up at him wide-eyed, “beyond what you told me in the churchyardwhen you came home.”
He took a deep breath. “I had to do it, Becky,” he said. “There was no alternative except the ruin of my family. Ihad known for many years that my parents found it difficult to keep going, but I had not realized how desperatethings really were until shortly before I went away toLondon. Papa was in so much debt that there seemed noway out at all, except to sell everything. Even then, hewould barely have been able to pay his debts. I thought ofeverything, Becky. I thought of all the employment I couldget and of taking my family to live with me. And at thesame time I wanted to marry you and to start raising myown family. Nothing would answer. It could just not bedone. I could not possibly have supported everyone on thesalary of a schoolmaster or physician or clerk.”
Rebecca stared at him. “You said nothing,” she said.
“I could not worry you with my problems,” he said. “It would not have been fair. And I wanted so much to beable to set the world at your feet.”
“I never wanted anything but you,” she almost whispered.
He covered her hand with his briefly. “I know that, love,” he said. “But I did not even seem to have thefreedom to offer you that much. I should have been hangedfor all the promises I made you, especially at Cenross. Ithink I must have been trying to force my own hand,making it almost impossible for myself to give you up.”He laughed harshly. “So I ended up doing everything wrong. I promised you the world and I left you.”
“You could have told me,” Rebecca cried. “I could have helped you, Christopher. I could have worked too asa teacher or a governess. Why did you not tell me?”
He gave her a grimace of a smile. “I chose not to,” he said. “I went to London to find what prospects there wereof employment. And I discovered a gold mine!” His voicehad become harsh. “I met Angela and her father, and forsome reason her father made it very obvious to me that shewas available. He was a man with one ambition in life: toreach the top of the social ladder by any means possible.He did not need a wealthy man—he had enough money foran army. He wanted a man of genteel birth. So I marriedher.”
He looked down at Rebecca, but she kept her head lowered.
“I would not have done it for myself, Becky,” he said. “Surely you will believe that. I do not think that I wouldeven have done it for my parents. After all, it was Papa’scompulsive gambling habits that had got them into the fix.But I looked at Julian and the girls, so young still, sooblivious to the ruin that was facing them, and I could notdeny them the future when it was in my power to dosomething about it.
“Things have improved now. My actions jolted Papa back to a sense of his responsibilities, I believe. He hasrecovered well enough that he no longer needs my constantsupport. But at the time that marriage seemed absolutely necessary. I had to choose, Becky, between you and myfamily. And I chose my family, leaving you an abandoned woman. You see now why I cannot marry you? I wouldnever be able to rid myself of the shame of my past. Andyou would not be able to forget, either.”
“I would not want to forget,” Rebecca said quietly but very firmly. “I want to remember always what you did,Christopher Sinclair. But why did you not tell me at thetime? How could you have imagined that it would beworse for me to know the truth? Had I known, I would have urged you to do exactly what you did. You mustknow that. You do not imagine, do you, that I would havebeen selfish enough to keep you for myself when a wholefamily would have suffered as a result? I thought youknew me better.”
Christopher jerked to a halt and pulled her roughly into his arms. “God, Becky,” he said against her hair, “youcannot know how filled with self-loathing I was for thosefive years of my marriage. I had to forget you, force youfrom my thoughts and my heart. I could not have stayedsane else. And besides, it seemed only fair that I marryAngela with the intention of making a proper marriage ofit. I wanted to be able to give her all of myself. I tried.And I was never unfaithful to her, even when I realizedthat I had married a fiend and a slut.”
Rebecca shuddered within his arms.
“I was justly served,” he said. “She had married me too merely for convenience. She wanted respectability andeasy access to the most exclusive of bedrooms. I discovered so many of her affairs that I eventually lost count.After the first few months ours was a marriage only inname. She had no attachment to anyone except perhaps tothat scoundrel Bartlett, who I think had had hopes ofmarrying her himself, but who hung around even afterwardbecause she lavished money on him. She seemed to believe it was his child she died bearing.”
“Oh, Christopher,” Rebecca said, looking urgently up into his face, her arms clasped around his neck. “And Ithought I had suffered! Oh, my love, I wish I had known.No, I do not mean that, of course. I would have died, Ithink, if I had known the whole truth. But if I had justknown why you left me. The worst part of these years hasbeen thinking that all my life I had been deceived in yourcharacter. But you are far more wonderful than I everdreamed.”
“Oh, no, Becky,” he said with a shaky laugh, burying his face against her neck, “no, do not put me on apedestal, love. I will never be able to forgive myself for encouraging you to trust my love in the full knowledgethat I might have to give you up.”
“Christopher, I love you,” she whispered into his ear. “You will not leave me, will you? Please say you will notleave me. We can still have a life together. We are not sovery old. I can still have a child or two.”
He laughed and lifted his head to look down into her earnest face. “Becky,” he said, “are you offering for me,love? Are you going to visit Papa and ask for my hand?”
She laughed uncertainly back at him. “If that is the onlyway to have you,” she said, “then I shall do so. I shalleven go down on my knees to you and ask formally, if youwish.”
He chuckled and caught her to him in such a tight hug that she felt as if all the air had been squeezed from herlungs. “Becky,” he said, his cheek against the top of herhead, “is it really possible that you can love me enough toforgive me? Will you have regrets later, love? I do notthink I could bear that. Are you willing to marry me?”
“You have to marry me,” she said into his neckcloth.“You have been alone with me, without a chaperon, forall of fifteen minutes. My virtue is hopelessly compromised.”He turned her face up to him with one finger beneathher chin. His face was very serious. “I love you, Becky,”he said, “and I could think of no more fitting sentence formy wrongs than to be allowed to spend the rest of my daystrying to make you happy. Will you marry me, my love?”
“Yes Christopher,” she said, “Oh, yes.”
His mouth on hers prevented any further talk for several minutes. And Rebecca’s heart sang. This was not a sad ordesperate kiss like the others they had shared since hishomecoming. This was a kiss of love and affection, ofpromise, and—of passion. They broke away from eachother, breathless.
“Ah,” he said, “that brings back memories. I suppose I shall have to wait for you a deuced long time?”
“Not a full year,” she said quickly. “Not that long,Christopher. Uncle Humphrey was not my father or my husband. I won’t have to wait a year for an uncle, will I?”
“I shall take you to London at Christmas time,” he said, ‘‘and we will wed quietly. I don’t believe that will beunseemly, Becky.”
“Christmas time,” she said and they smiled warmly into each other’s eyes.
“That’s an eternity!” they both said together, and they touched foreheads and laughed.
“A compromised woman you may be, my love,” Christopher said, “but I will not have you a fallen woman. And you are in grave danger, believe me. Let us walk back tothe house. Do you think the tea will still be warm in thepot?”
“We can find out,” Rebecca said. “And I am just bursting to tell someone. The whole world, if possible.”
He took her hand in a warm grip and turned her back in the direction of the house. “Let us go and tell the world,”he said, smiling at her. But he did not immediately move.“But before the world is let in on the secret, love, onemore kiss?”
Rebecca smiled and lifted her mouth to his.
