It did not take much pondering to know why Philip had finally decided that he and Rebecca must marry. He mighthave been taken by surprise the night before. But Philipwas not the sort of man who would indulge in feelings thathe would consider sinful in the extreme. Like her, he must be seeking safety in a flight toward marriage. It washurtful to admit this possibility, but Rebecca had also toadmit that she was no different. And was there anything sovery wrong in what they planned? They did need eachother and they were fond of each other. They would live agood and worthy life together. It was unlikely that eitherof them would be actively unhappy. Time was a healer ofbruised emotions, as she knew from experience.
Rebecca put her hands loosely over her face and rolled over on the bed so that she lay facedown. She had thoughtshe would never feel that pain again. Seven years ago shehad battled it for what had seemed an endless time. Andlater she had looked back with some satisfaction. At least,she had thought, she would never have to go through aperiod like that again. Why had he come back? Oh, howcould he have been so thoughtless and so cruel!
She was disappointed in herself. She had thought she was a stronger person. Although she had dreaded meetingChristopher again when she heard that he was cominghome, she had thought that she could remain indifferentonce the embarrassment of the first meeting was over. Butin the event her emotions had put up almost no fight at all.She loved Christopher Sinclair with just as much passionas she ever had. And she despised herself for doing so.She had never thought it possible to love someone whowas so obviously unworthy of that love. But love him shedid, and she was helpless to do anything about it.
She must marry Philip. There was no alternative. Yet she could not marry him. Being in flight from one manwas no reason at all for marrying another.
Perhaps it would be easier to fight against her feelings for Christopher if he were clearly indifferent to her. Buthis behavior was a puzzle. On the one hand, he behaved asshe had expected him to behave from the start, consortingwith the younger set, paying court to Harriet, taking herabout. Yet she had to admit that his manner toward Harrietwas not unduly flirtatious, and she doubted that he was close to making her an offer, despite what Harriet herself had said the day before.
And his behavior toward herself was certainly not indifferent. He had been as embarrassed as she during their first meeting in the lane. The only reason she could think of forhis visit to the school was that he wished somehow toimpress her and redeem himself in her eyes to a certaindegree. And then there had been that ride home with himand that kiss. Rebecca’s hands unconsciously clenched herpillow as she remembered. He had not been unaware ofher nearness when she rode with him. She had been tooaware of her own terrible embarrassment at the time toreally notice, but looking back now she could recall thetautness of his muscles, the unnatural silence in which theyhad ridden.
And he had kissed her with as much hunger as she had felt. For the minute or two that they were in each other’sarms, she was sure, the years had been swept back forboth of them.
Then there had been the evening before. She had really not expected him to ask her to dance. She had not expected even to be acknowledged. Yet he had asked her.And it had not been that he might flirt or gloat or sneer.He had wanted to apologize for some of the damage hehad done to her life. He had been almost humble. He hadmade no attempt to defend himself against any of hercharges. In fact, she remembered now, he had apologizedto her after their kiss too.
Was it possible that he still retained some of the old regard for her? Was he regretting now that he had putfortune before love all those years ago? It really made nodifference to anything if he did, of course. Even if he stillloved her, and even though she still loved him, there couldnever be any question of resuming any relationship. Shewould never be able to forgive him, at least not to theextent of being close to him again. She could not have arelationship with a man she did not respect.
But it increased the pain tenfold to wonder if he did stillretain some of his love for her. It seemed so cruel that they now lived close to each other, meeting with fair frequency,and both free, yet that they could never mean anything toeach other. She loved him so, and she had been horrid tohim the night before. In fact, she had been quite unforgivablyimpertinent. She had no right at all to make any referenceto his wife or his treatment of her. Her cheeks burned nowto remember some of the things she had said. It was amiracle that he had retained some modicum of coolness,enough to prevent her from making a public scene.
Why had she lost her temper and become so personal in her insults, anyway? Why had she mentioned his wife? Ofcourse, he had started insinuating preposterous things aboutMr. Bartlett. He had actually tried to sully the poor man’sreputation by hinting that he might be a fortune hunter. Hemust have known that his wife and Mr. Bartlett had lovedeach other, and consequently hated the man. Though whyhe should, Rebecca could not imagine. He himself hadwanted nothing from his wife except her fortune.
Yes, she was not sorry after all that she had said those things. At least she had made it clear to him that she wasnot unaware of the kind of life he had lived since heabandoned her. And she had made it clear that she despised him and wanted no part of his attentions. She wasglad too that she had remembered that episode of the nightbefore. The memory of his treachery would harden heragainst her own heart.
Oh, Christopher, she thought, burying her face in her hands again, why? Why did you have to turn out this way?Or why did you not show yourself in your true colorsbefore I was foolish enough to love you?
She started to cry, despising herself heartily as she fumbled in the side pocket of her dress for a handkerchief.
Chapter 10
Harriet’s birthday was approaching. She did not want a dinner or a ball or a party of any sort. Sandwiched as suchan event would be between the Langbourne ball and thevillage fair, it would lose a great deal of its luster. Anouting was what she wanted, a picnic of some sort, toinclude everyone from her own household and everyonefrom the Sinclairs’.
“You must ride over there with me after luncheon, Rebecca,” she said at breakfast the morning after herouting with Mr. Bartlett and Mr. Carver. “They will besure to come. They will be only too glad of some entertainment. But we must ask them today. It would be toodreadful if they accepted some other dreary invitation forthat day and were unable to come. What would be thepoint of a picnic with only us there?”
“I would rather not go,” Rebecca said. “I have planned to use today to alter those two dresses you asked me abouta few days ago.”
“Pooh,” said Harriet, “they can wait. I am in no hurry. They are just old rags, anyway. They might as well bethrown away as I told you at the time. I shall have somenew ones made.”
“I would be happy if you would accompany Harriet,” Maude said. “Stanley and I have already promised to visitthe Farleys. It is a long drive, and I do not believe we willbe back until late afternoon.”
“You must take a carriage instead of riding, Harriet, my love,” the baron said, looking out of the window witha frown. “I see the branches of the trees are swaying.There must be a wind, and I would not want either you orRebecca to take a chill.”
“Oh, Papa,” Harriet protested crossly, “the sun is shining and it is August. We would positively cook in thecarriage. No, we shall ride.”
“This younger generation is so incautious,” the baron said, turning to Mr. Bartlett for support. “They will ruintheir health and their complexions rather than endure alittle discomfort away from drafts.” He drew his snuffboxfrom a pocket and proceeded to comfort his agitated nerveswith a pinch of his favorite blend.
“One can tell that you have always been sensible about such matters, sir,” Mr. Bartlett said. “Indeed, I find italmost impossible to believe that Miss Shaw is your daughter. But”—he smiled and inclined his head in the directionof the ladies,—“I have observed that both your daughterand your niece protect themselves very wisely from theelements. In my eyes, their beauty has suffered no adverseeffect whatsoever from their occasional walks or rides.”
The outcome of the whole conversation, Rebecca realized philosophically, was that she was to accompany Harriet to the Sinclair house that afternoon and that they were to ride there. It seemed that she would also be obliged togo on Harriet’s birthday outing. And there was the faironly a week after that. Three occasions at least on whichshe would be forced to be in company with Christopher.She wondered how long he planned to stay. She could notendure too much of such torture, she felt. She must marryPhilip. Only by doing so could she protect herself.
Harriet did not talk much during the ride. She appeared to be in a thoughtful mood. They were more than halfwayto their destination before she broke the silence that Rebecca had welcomed.
“Do you not agree,” she said, “that Mr. ChristopherSinclair’s somewhat inferior upbringing still shows on occasion?”
“Gracious, Harriet,” Rebecca said, “whatever do you mean?”
“He is very handsome and fashionable and wealthy and all that,” Harriet said, “and I still think I might have him.I am not quite sure. But he seems to lack something of the breeding of a true gentleman.”
“Oh?” Rebecca prompted.
