Helen knew that she was behaving quite shockingly badly. She seemed powerless to control herself. She never did behave with the smooth good manners of Emmy and Melly, of course. She was labeled at home as rather strange. But she had never before been so openly bad-mannered. Mama would have a thousand fits if the girls had noticed and told her about it later. And Papa would bluster at her and threaten all sorts of dire consequences. It was a relief to her that for the moment at least they were not present in the ballroom. Papa was doubtless playing cards and Mama was either doing likewise or had discovered some old cronies and was having a comfortable coze with them somewhere.
It was a relief to know, too, that the worst was over. She had dreaded this evening more than she had ever dreaded anything in her life—no, there was one thing she dreaded more, but she would not think of that yet. For days she had schemed to avoid the ball. A headache would not work, she knew. She had even considered taking a tumble from her horse and contriving to break a leg, but she had turned craven when it came to the point. She might just as easily break her neck, and she would not have liked that at all.
Anyway, she had told herself finally, she could not put off the meeting forever. Even a broken leg would heal before the winter was over. Meet William she must. She might as well get the ordeal over with. So she had resigned herself to attending the Hetheringtons’ ball and to coming face to face with her faithless lover.
Not that the decision had made the ordeal any the easier. She had almost missed the ball despite herself. By the time the family was ready to leave, she had felt physically sick. She had come so close to fainting in the hallway of the Charles Street house, in fact, that Mama had remarked on her paleness and had offered her vinaigrette. Helen had declined, but Papa had laughed at her and had actually pinched her cheek, something he had not done for years. He had teased her about being nervous on the occasion of her first London ball.
She would never know how she had succeeded in walking without aid into the ballroom after her hem had been sewn up. She had known that he must be there already. He was the guest of honor, the Marquess of Hetherington had said the week before, and they were late arriving. But she had not really expected that he would be close to the doorway in conversation with her family. Her heart and every pulse in her body had hammered against her as she had walked the short distance toward them. She had no idea how she had kept her face or her legs under control.
But it had been done. She had even spoken to him and she had felt a hysterical kind of exultation when she realized that he had not immediately recognized her. She had felt his shock and believed now that she had even smiled. She hoped so. She wanted above all for him to believe that she cared every bit as little as he did. She was glad that the sight of him had aroused such hatred in her. She hated him now far more than she had in the more than two months since she had seen him last. She was well aware that the feeling was caused as much by the reminder of her own guilt that the sight of him brought as by his own bad behavior. But she determinedly focused all her animosity against him. Hatred would carry her through this interminable evening and through other such evenings for the months—no, weeks—ahead.
Helen had not meant to be so completely unsociable. She had intended to dance with anyone who asked her. She had intended, in fact, to have a wildly good time, to show Mr. William Mainwaring that she was not in any way dependent on him for happiness. She knew that she did not look good. Formal clothes never had suited her, and the pink gown that Mama had insisted on was a worse disaster than usual. She knew that in the last few months she had lost the few good looks she had had. She had not fooled herself into imagining that she might be the most popular girl at the ball. But she would make the most of the invitations she would have. So she had resolved.
But in the event she had found herself in the power of a massive lethargy. She was totally unable to bring herself out of the black mood that had swept over her as soon as the moment that she had lived for in such dread for the last week was over. As soon as William had turned away to claim his first dance partner, she had felt her whole being sag. No one had asked her for the first dance. They had arrived too late for the necessary introductions to be made. Melissa suffered a similar fate. And after the first set, she had started to refuse prospective partners, using a succession of different excuses, heedless of the possibility that two men might compare notes and realize that she had lied to at least one of them.
She could not dance. Her attention could only be focused entirely on the man she so hated. He was devastatingly handsome. She had never seen him dressed formally before. She was quite sure that every female in the room was watching him, either openly or covertly. He was at least twice as attractive as the next-most-handsome man. And he looked so much more distinguished than anyone else, dressed in black, with startlingly white linen, while the other men were almost all in pastel shades.
Handsome and entirely ruthless and heartless. She could not understand why she had not seen it before. No man of such good looks could possibly be kind and sincere. He could hardly avoid being conceited. Such an unimportant commodity as a woman’s heart would mean nothing to such a man. He would crush it beneath his heel without even realizing what he did.
She watched him, without appearing to do so, as he danced with one lady after another, conversing with them in his rather stiff and aloof manner. Toplofty, thinking himself better than anyone else. She saw him approaching her when a new set was already forming. Why was he coming? Out of curiosity? Out of a desire to gloat? Did he imagine that she would swoon at his feet out of gratitude? That she would feel honored to be so singled out by the most distinguished man at the ball? By the time he stopped in front of her, she could cheerfully have spit in his eye.
She was not unaware of the proximity of the Marquess and Marchioness of Hetherington as she dealt with William. And she was glad that they overheard. She resented them too. She was not exactly sure why she did so, unless it was the fact that they were his friends. And so handsome a couple and so charming and self-assured. And so happy. Yes, she resented them, especially the marchioness, who was now dancing with William and smiling into his face and talking animatedly. She was not in any way jealous, of course. She did not even wish to see William Mainwaring again, and she had totally given up the idea of marriage, happy or otherwise.
Helen looked stonily downward and watched her pink slipper as it swayed back and forth in front of her.
CHAPTER 10
H elen was depressed. It was scarcely noon and she had still not fully persuaded herself that there was another day to face. She had been out of bed for a couple of hours despite the lateness of the night before, but she had not breakfasted or dressed. She was in her room reading Mr. Wordsworth’s Prelude when her father sent for her. Not that she was really concentrating on the poetry. She found it so difficult these days to concentrate on anything or to feel any enthusiasm.
She sighed and rang the bell for her maid. Was Papa still cross with her? Were the scoldings of the night before to resume? They had been very late home and she had felt utterly dispirited, but both Mama and Papa had felt it their duty to take her to task over her behavior at the ball. She could not really blame either Emmy or Melly. It was Mama who had discovered her sitting glumly among the chaperons. The girls had merely confirmed her suspicions that Helen had been doing so all evening.
They had prosed on for so long that Helen had finally broken down in tears, something she hated to do in public. But Papa was not satisfied, it seemed. She changed into a day dress of her maid’s choice and submitted to having her hair brushed and twisted into some sort of a style. Then she descended to the morning room, wishing that she had some food inside her to fortify her against the lecture that was coming, though she knew that food would not sit comfortably in her stomach at the moment. She blew out a breath silently through puffed cheeks and opened the door.
William Mainwaring stood facing her across the room, his hands behind his back, his legs slightly apart. He was looking pale, his expression even more austere than usual. Helen stared at him incredulously, closing the door behind her without conscious thought.
“You!” she said. “What are you doing in my father’s house?”
“I came to speak to him and to you, Lady Helen,” he said. His voice sounded strained.
“Indeed?” she prompted haughtily.
He seemed to be having trouble with his breathing. “I have asked your father if I may pay my addresses to you,” he said at last. “He has given his consent. I would be greatly honored, ma’am, if you will consent to be my wife.”
Helen continued to stare at him from her position just inside the door. “Have you completely taken leave of your senses?” she hissed. “How dare you come here with such a suggestion?”
He had not moved. His expression was still stern and controlled. “I can understand that you are angry with me,” he said. “I did not know who you were.”
“Angry,” she said. She strode across the room suddenly, color flooding into her face. “Angry? Why should I be angry with you, sir? I am only incredulous at your temerity. I cannot imagine how you could have nerve enough even to come here this morning. But to talk to Papa! And to make me this offer! You can take your offer, sir, and chuck it in the Thames.”
“Nell—” he began.
“My name is Helen, sir,” she said, glaring at him from a few feet distant. “Lady Helen to you.”
He took a deep and ragged breath. “I am sorry,” he said. “I have not meant to insult you. I have lain awake all night thinking how I might make amends. I have much explaining to do, I know, and even then much of my behavior is beyond excuse. Please, ma’am, believe that I deeply regret what is past and wish to do something to put matters to rights.”
Helen put her hands on her hips and laughed, a short, mocking laugh. “And you believe that matters can be put to rights, as you put it, by marrying me,” she said. “I would consider marriage to you only further punishment for my own wrongdoings. I could think of no worse fate than to be sentenced to spend my life with a man of such low principles.”
Mainwaring winced noticeably and turned paler, if that were possible. “I have ruined you, Nell . . . ma’am,” he said quietly. His voice was almost pleading. “The least I can do is to offer you the protection of my name.”
