“Mom,” I hear Teeny call. She offers some vague yet pertinent reason for my sudden disappearing act, but I don’t hear it. I’m already halfway out the door.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Grace
My momreally knows how to throw a party. Twinkling lights, delectable finger foods, an open bar, and a live band. If this is how my parents are celebrating a wedding anniversary, I can’t imagine how over-the-top their wedding was. I get a brief glimpse into the festivities of their wedding night through the large blown-up picture of them dancing on a glossy floor, my mom in her shimmery ballgown dress with puffy sleeves and my dad in his tux and bushy mustache. Tom Selleck was his style icon, and it shows.
“They look really happy, don’t they?”
I turn to Jade, leaning into her arm. She wraps her hand around my waist, pulling me into an embrace while we both admire our parents’ picture sitting on a large easel by the cake table. “They sure do.”
“You okay?”
I sigh, and instead of answering her, I ask, “Do you think we’ll ever have that?”
The side of her head brushes my temple. “I hope so.”
“My money’s riding on you.”
The commiserating way she looks at me makes me almost regret telling her everything. Almost. Because as much as it wasdifficult to sit my family down to tell them about Andrew, it feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders. The first step to letting go of my past. I can’t let my divorce be the rubric for my future. I love Andrew, and this is my chance for a fresh start. To embrace love instead of fearing it.
“Girls!”
Jade and I draw in a sharp intake of breath, preparing ourselves for the intensity of my mom. Especially when she’s in center-stage mode.
“People are going to start arriving,” she informs us. “We should go find your dad.”
“I think he’s with Trevor,” Jade tells her.
“Is Andrew coming?” my mom asks. I can feel Jade’s eyes on me. They swipe to my mom and back to me.
“Mom!” Jade hisses.
“What?” my mom asks, feigning innocence. “I want to meet her new boyfriend.”
“They aren’t even talking to each other right now,” Jade reminds her.
“I’m sure they can patch it up. If they love each other, there’s nothing they can’t fix with a little chat.” She turns to me and adds, “You just tell him how sorry you are.”
When I told my family about Andrew, it wasn’t to announce a happy union or the jovial end to my search for the perfect husband. It was so they understood where my apprehension came from. Why alarm bells ring when I hear words like “commitment” and “marriage” and “promise.” Why I thought sacrifices needed to be made for a happy life instead of believing I deserved it all. A willing partner, someone who loves all the little bits and pieces of me that can become cumbersome. All the precarious, insecure, diffident parts of me I wish I could brush off my hands but are stuck. I don’t think my mom got the memo.
“He’s not coming,” I inform my mom, set on answering her since it looks like it was a genuine question.
“Aw, I guess we’ll have to meet him some other time.”
“Sorry, Mom.” I roll my eyes at Jade, glad I’m able to do it with my back to my mom.
We find my dad near the main entrance, greeting the first of the guests already arriving, and Trevor and Avery join us. It’s a welcome shift as the music starts playing inside the great hall. Before we know it, dinner is served, people are loose from the free-flowing drinks and the cake cutting has commenced. Even the music has temporarily transitioned into slower tunes, allowing couples to cradle and sway.
I watch my parents dancing with a proud smile on their faces. Jade and Trevor are on the dance floor too, but a little off-center where the crowd isn’t as thick. Trevor cradles Avery in the crook of his arm while his other is wrapped around Jade’s waist. Jade rests her head on Trevor’s shoulder, and he leans down to kiss her temple, and I have to look away.
What is it about me that I’m not meant for that? I’m so happy for Jade. I want this life for her, and I would always put her happiness ahead of mine. But watching her in her little trio of bliss makes it glaringly clear how far I am from having those things. A committed, loving partner, a family, a life where lonely graves aren’t my biggest fears.
I got a taste of it with Andrew. Our domesticated life of sleepovers and packed lunches. As much as I was a dedicated wife to Frankie, it was never like that. He didn’t assume the role of a caretaker. He was just my husband. Someone who filled the spot to the empty grave to my right. But Andrew is so much more than that. He’s someone who will walk the path of life with me before laying in our final resting place. And I let that wither away because I was scared. Because I believed I didn’t deserve it.
Maybe it’s how it’s meant to be all along. Me alone for the rest of my life. At least there’ll be plenty of room for more dogs.
The urge for some fresh air gets me on my feet, and as I turn to the exit, I see the person I least expect standing at the doorway. His gait is crooked, one shoulder slightly slouched, and eyes I can only describe as longing. His ardent gaze scruples with what to do next. If he should come to me or wait for me to come to him.
