“You got to forgive yourself for the things you were never meant to control. You got to let that stuff go. Yeah, it happened, yeah it hurt but somethings aren’t on you. You got give it to God. He’s already given you the tools just turn it over. We weren’t made for a life or worry and dismay. Yes, trials and tribulation is going to come. Yes, heartbreak and agony are going to come but you cannot control it. What you can control is your reaction and who you give it too. There’s isn’t anything too hard for God to work out.”
Big Mama noticed how his attention peaked and lowly pointed to the scripture in the open bible on her lap. Psalm 34: 17-18. DJ removed the bible from her lap and read the verses for himself. When he was done, he pulled in a deep breath and let the things that kept him up at night fall from his shoulders.
As if she knew just what to do, she squeezed his hand and winked at him. After another hour of service, the pair was headed to the grocery store for last minute things Big Mama swore she just had to have. What she wanted was to guide him over to the bouquets of flowers.
“You know Nyna loves the dusty pink roses and ranunculus. Would you look at that, there they go,” she buzzed before wandering off.
“You know it didn’t take all of that,” DJ spoke with amusement. The day before when he spotted them he thought about how Nyna’s eyes would light up and then her smile would radiate making her eyes almost disappear when he gave her flowers. He was cool about it. As if it didn’t take much thought, he saw them and got then. Phoenix would talk shit to him the whole ride home.
“You get that girl flowers because it’s Tuesday and she won’t even kiss your pretty ass for real.” Or, “are these going to be the flowers that get you out the friendzone?” and his favorite, “nah, nigga you can’t give her the thank you for a good night flowers yet. Y’all damn near grown and haven’t even held hands.”
DJ laughed to himself before groaning at the thought of his brother. The grief came in waves but over the years he learned to grow around it. He refused to let it take over his weeks and months or pull him back into a place that would in turn cost him his life too.
“You wild nigga. Miss you man,” he grumbled to himself grabbing a vase of flowers one for Nyna and the other for Big Mama and roamed to the front of the store where he knew she was. “Always trying to pay for your stuff.”
“I didn’t pay for it,” Big Mama stated with a coy smirk on her face.
DJ’s brows furrowed and he looked around at the packed bags and cashier handing her the receipt and change. Out the front windows of the store he caught Deacon Morris strolling to his Cadillac.
“Ahh, I see you,” DJ quipped. “You still got it don’t you?”
“Baby, I never lost it,” Big Mama said with a smile as she placed the extra money in her purse.
Once the cashier rang him up he grabbed her bags and the flowers and they were on their way back to the house. Big Mama roamed down the hall to change and check on her pots. DJ positioned the flowers on the table and the other in front of Nyna’s door and waited. In his wait he dozed off, the sleepiness finally finding him again.
Unsure of how long he’d been sleep he heard the two words he was listening out for.
“Oh shit,” was hissed from Nyna lowly barely missing the vase of flowers.
He sat up attempting to shake the sleep from his body as Nyna walked down the hall with it in her hands.
“Somethings don’t change, huh?” she softly asked, safely a few feet away.
DJ rose to his feet and looked down at her. Her hair wild and free. The shirt barely hanging on to her shoulders and pair of shorts peeking from under the bottom of it. There were some scars and faded marks over her legs but it didn’t take away from how breathtaking she was – how she’d always been.
“Somethings are constant,” he replied finally finding her eyes. “You’ve been missed.”
Her lips quivered into a barely there smile before it fell. “Wasn’t sure if I’d ever make it back. Too afraid to see how things changed or remained the same. Thank you for looking after her.”
“I told you I would. I meant that.”
Her eyes fell to her toes. “I’m the only one who didn’t keep my word, huh?”
DJ spoke and her body listened. “Eyes up. Don’t drop them.”
She gave him her eyes again.
“Once you got with buddy I wasn’t pressed. I get it. I didn’t make a move for real,” DJ wasn’t going to beat around the bush.However she took this was how she’d take it. But this time around he wanted to make sure that he was completely clear.
“Dom, we don’t have to do the replay. We were friends,” Nyna said placing the flowers on the table.
“You got to be for real with yourself and me,” he stated making her laugh in muted frustration.
“I can say the same to you…that night,” she said before sighing. “It doesn’t matter. Thanks for the flowers.”
He trailed her with his eyes as she roamed into the kitchen to check the pots she’d been handling all morning from the looks of it. Soon after his feet followed his eyes and he leaned in the threshold. “That night matters. It was the beginning.”
“And then it ended and it took people away from us. So it doesn’t matter.”
