He presses his face into my neck, his words muffled now. “But when we were young, I thought that I needed you. You were my entire life, and when your life got really hard, it dragged me down in a way I couldn’t make sense of. I was nothing but a support person, and you didn’t want to be supported.”
That’s so hard to hear. So hard not to react to.
But I need to hear it, so I just keep holding him.
He kisses my neck, my jaw, and then presses his cheek to mine and exhales. “You know, when we were driving here, I was thinking about how excited you are to come home, that this is your home, and I don’t have a home. Not like that.Youwere always my home.
“So this summer, for most of this year, I had to really get comfortable with the idea that I was a man without a home, and that I that I had to find a way to be okay, truly on my own, truly in myself.”
“Garrett…”
“Let me get this out. I need to say more, Roar. Because I am okay without you, but I’m not great. I’m not fucking great, that’s for sure.
“But it scares me too, because I can feel how easy it would be to sink back into you being my entire world, living and breathing for you. I like taking care of you, but I’m not sure that you like me taking care of you. I think it makes you feel helpless, maybe, and you’re not. You’re anything but. You’re amazing. Because of you, babies are born safely and mothers survive when nature doesn’t work out exactly as they wanted it to.”
He eases back just enough to take my face in his hands. “I hear those stories from you, and I think you’re fucking incredible.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Then I take a deep breath. “This isn’t my only home. You asked me if I’m thinking of coming back here to work. The reason I said no is because I wouldn’t make that decision without you. I’m not sure I’m cut out for a hospital position in Ottawa, either, but I haven’t made a decision about where to go because I can’t. It’s felt like I’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place, knowing I needed to leave, and not being able to leave where we built a life. In a way, you’re my home, too. But I know what you’re saying about that being problematic. I know I need to find my own happiness inside myself, and that’s easier said than done.”
“You’ll find it,” he promises. “And no matter what, you and me are forever some kind ofwe. You’re my best friend.”
“If I’m your best friend,” I whisper, teasing, “why didn’t you consult me before you pierced your fucking penis?”
He laughs. “Would you have told me not to?”
“No. I’d have gone with you and held your hand.” I bite my lip for a moment, but since he’s already admitted to jealousy… “I thought you got it because you met someone new and more exciting than me.”
He groans and shakes his head. Staring at my mouth, he runs his thumb over my lip, where I’d just pressed my teeth. “There was nobody else. I got them for me, because I knew I’d be alone with my right hand for a long, long time. Maybe forever. I couldn’t imagine moving on from you.”
“Because I’m your best friend,” I whisper against his thumb.
His gaze darkens, turns amber in the twinkling Christmas lights as my teeth graze his skin onfriend.
“I want you to be more than that,” he rumbles. “That’s just theno matter whatfoundation.”
“I’ve missed kissing you.”
He moves in close. Not quite kissing, but almost. We will.
“And I’ve missed sleeping next to you. I love how warm you are.”
He nods silently.
My heart is galloping now. “I’ve missed telling you that I love you.”
“Tell me now.”
“I love you so much. And it hurt so much to be apart.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against my mouth, his voice low and rough. Raw. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve missed everything about you. I love you, too.”
He kisses me, finally. Perfectly. Deeply.
“I love you with all that I am,” he says ona rushed breath between kisses as he pulls me back to straddle him again, this time with his back against the couch. “Can you be a quiet girl for me?”
“You might need to kiss me to shut me up.”
