He caught her wrist as she pushed past him, and hauled her back into the narrow space between him and the wall. “Hey hey hey, I wasn’t saying the camping thing as the first available opportunity, I was just talking out loud. Give me a chance here.”
She’d given him all the chances, it felt like. And now she was giving him more, endless chances because her heart wanted what it wanted, regardless of logic or sensibility. She nodded, but it hurt.
Fickle heart.
“Coffee tomorrow. Packing help. Moving help. I’m in for all of it, because I love you. I love you mad at me, I love you two hours down the highway. And I love you no matter what you decide to do, even if there’s never any kissing in our future. You’re my best friend. I don’t know how to be a good partner, we both know that. But I’m trying, and I’m working on my shit. Give me a chance. You’re so strong, babe. I want to be that strong, too.”
That sliced deep. She shook her head. “And I wish I could be weak. I wish I could be weak and not break, not crumble to nothing because I have to hold myself up.”
“Because I’m not holding you up.” His voice was rough, raw, and she wanted to cry.
But she couldn’t. Not yet. “It’s not on you to do that.”
“It should be.”
“That’s not how life worked out.”
“Let me hold you up,” he whispered.
“You walked out on me, Brent. I don’t know if I could ever trust you to stick with me again.”
“I’ll show you. One day, you’ll know that I’m solid.”
“It might take forever.”
“Then I’ll wait that long.”
“No kisses,” she reminded, and she wasn’t sure who it was for, him or herself.
“That’s your call. Kissing or anything else. But I want you, Jess. Don’t ever think I don’t.”
Who was this man? “Anything else? Sex would majorly complicate things.”
Like the fact that she still had those divorce papers, which were packed on the top of her Office Papers box.
“Things are already complicated. If at any point you want me to give you some orgasms as we navigate it all, you just have to say the word.”
Had her previously painfully shy husband just offered her orgasms to get her through their divorce?
And had she just thought of him as her husband?
“I can’t.” She wanted to. So much. But she just couldn’t.
He nodded. “I understand.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No.” He drew her into his arms, the gentlest of hugs. “Never be sorry for saying no. I want you. I want to earn you back. But I want you to be happy, first and foremost. With or without me.”
A silent, heartbroken tear slid down her face, wetting his shoulder. Another followed, and he eased back, looking at her. He brushed it off her cheek.
“Don’t cry, babe,” he whispered.
But she wasn’t his babe. Maybe she had never been.
When he left, she lay on the couch for a long time, staring at the ceiling. Then she picked up her phone and scrolled through her messages from Evan. Each one was a sweet little hit of happy, exactly what she needed right now.
Jess:What are you up to tonight?
