“Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on with you.”
“I’m on tour.” She hitched her shoulders and tightened her knees together as she thought about how far back to go. “And twelve years ago I moved to Nashville to be a country music star. A lot happened in between.”
“Well, start with that and we’ll see where it takes us.”
“How much time do you have?”
“As much as you need.”
She told him…everything. Writing River Bed Lullaby and playing it at an open-mic night just off Broadway, on a stage that nobody famous ever climbed on to, that was more about being a tourist attraction than a real showcase of up and coming talent.
But at that point, she hadn’t been up and coming yet. She was young and sexy and she knew how to play a guitar, so she didn’t need a band. She could get on any stage, anywhere, and she did.
Over and over again for almost ten months, which was nothing, really. She knew that now. But it had felt like a lifetime. And then one day, that day, there’d been a guy in the crowd who’d liked her enough to mention her to someone else.
Three weeks later, she was in a studio.
Four weeks later, she met Track.
She started crying at that point in the story, and Howard gave her tissues. She apologized and he waved her off.
“You want to tell me about this tour?” he asked, but she shook her head and kept going.
It took her an hour to finally get to the tour. When she did, it seemed…like not such a big deal, in the grand scheme of things.
“Why is this happening now?” she asked him, because that didn’t make any sense. There were so many points in her past when an anxiety disorder could have, maybe even should have, reared its head. Why now?
Howard just shrugged. “Triggers are weird things.”
“And after finally having it out, and knowing that I’ve got options, no matter what? Shouldn’t I be relieved now, not more scared than ever? But I'm finally moving forward. I've been locked in an awful contract for years and now there's an end in sight.”
“Freedom is something that people die for.” Howard let out a slow breath. “The closer we are to it, the harder we’ll fight to get it, but also the more we’ll fear losing it. That can be overwhelming.”
She nodded, reluctantly. She didn’t want that to be true, but it was.
“You may experience more panic attacks, even after the contract is done and over.” The way he said it was level, like it wasn’t that big a deal. Except when she looked up at him, he wasn’t being dismissive. Just not judgemental, either. Which was probably a good thing in a therapist, but hard for her to truly accept.
“You aren't making me feel better.”
He nodded. “It's not my job to make you feel better. It's my job to help you see how you can make yourself feel safer.”
“Oh.” Well, that sounded good. “How do we do that?”
“I’m going to give you a couple of tools. And we’re going to meet again.”
“I’m only here for two days.”
“Planes travel all over the country, they tell me. And there’s this magical device that lets us talk over great distances.”
She laughed. “Point taken.”
“Is there anything else you want to talk about today?”
When she hesitated, he gave her a look that told her he knew she knew better. She sighed. “Do you know anything about overseas deployments? My…” Bodyguard sounded wrong. “My boyfriend’s younger brother is going to the Middle East. Kind of unexpectedly. And I don’t know how to support him through that. He’s a soldier himself, and he’s being all tough and stoic about it, but…I’m scared, and I’ve never met the kid.”
“That’s a big topic. We can talk more about that tomorrow. When is he leaving?”
“In a week.” The guilt of that weighed against her again, still heavy.
