That was only part of it.
The truth was, Kuni wouldn’t want to have missed her son or daughter’s entire childhood because she’d worked through every moment, save for a half day here and there. Kuni knew what that felt like. She would not put another child through such loneliness.
Being a Royal Guardswoman would be fulfilling enough without adding the guilt of being a bad mother. Nor could she renounce the post of her dreams and risk resenting her children for the loss. That wouldn’t be their fault, either. She would simply have to be an exemplary aunt.
Kuni downed the rest of her wine in long gulps as she fished for a safer subject.
Too late. Graham was faster. “If you had a spare chamber to fill with anything you liked, what wouldyoudo with it?”
The question made her dizzy. He refilled her wine. She stared at the goblet without picking it up.
Kuni had never had anything of her own. The Crown provided everything Kuni could ever want, but none of it was really hers.
The bedchamber she’d had since becoming the princess’s companion would go to someone else when Kuni became Mechtilda’s personal guard. Her father had lived in guard barracks. Her brothers had also moved to the barracks when they earned their uniforms. But even if the king built barracks for Guardswomen, it wouldn’t be a place of Kuni’s own.
After their years of active military service, older Guardsmen often took ceremonial posts. When they retired from that as well, they no longer enjoyed free boarding. Guardsmen weren’t left on the streets—they amassed fortunes at their posts and usually settled in bucolic cottages with a view of the land and castle they’d helped to protect. It was a beautiful way to spend one’s final years.
But it was a long time to wait for a permanent home that couldn’t be snatched away.
“I’ve no need for an extra chamber,” she told him. “The only thing I have ever wanted was to be a Royal Guard. Once I become part of it, the only rooms that will interest me are the ones I’ll be guarding.”
Graham gave her a long look. As if not just considering her words, but evaluating what he knew ofher.
Perhaps someone who hadnotspent her whole life training to be strong and silent might have shifted uncomfortably under such prolonged attention. Kuni didn’t even blink. Tourists loved to try and catch Royal Guards’ attention, and it never worked. She had spent a lifetime trying to keep her feelings locked up tight, just like the men.
She didn’t always succeed.
Graham dropped the matter. “Are you ready for the second course?”
“The sweet pie?” Grateful for the reprieve, she scooped it off her plate and took an exploratory bite from one edge.
Sugar exploded on her tongue. Fruits and…some sort of cream? She tried to peer inside the pastry. “Berries and custard.”
He smiled. “What do you think?”
“I think I want yours, too.”
He tried to hand it to her, and she waved it away. He deserved to enjoy his pie. Besides, the recipe for this delicacy must be in one of Graham’s books. Kuni was absolutely going to put in her report that the castle kitchen should add this selection to its repertoire.
“Theonlything you’ve ever wanted was to be a Royal Guard?” Graham asked.
Well, the onlyachievablething. It wasn’t as though she could make her brothers treat her like Graham’s siblings did. Or guard a princess while being nine months pregnant, and then carry the baby around with her day after day, his padded bottom on one hip and her sword at the other.
But shewascapable of being a Royal Guardswoman. A de Heusch forged new paths.Betterones for everyone. No matter what Floris and Reinald said, or what tradition had been until now.
“No one thinks I can do it.”
He stared at her as though she’d turned into an antbear. “Iknow you can do it. Every Wynchester knows you can do it. Elizabeth hinted there are quite a few terrified bullies who know firsthand that you can do it.”
To Kuni’s horror, the backs of her eyes prickled. How long had she yearned to hear words like that? To be believed, to be believedin, to be encouraged. She set down her pie and swallowed the lump in her throat.
Traveling to England had been like entering another world, but being here with him was like living another life. A life she’d never known was possible.
“Before they left Balcovia, my brothers laughed at me for wanting to be one of them. They said I couldn’t even guardmyself, much less a princess.”
Graham’s eyes flashed. “Arrogant ignoramuses.”
She hid a smile. “By the end of this voyage, I’ll have taken care of myself for more than a month. And they…”
