Sighing, she fingered one of the shorn leaves that had fluttered to the ground. Although she couldn’t help but disagree with the execution, she could hardly find fault in his motives. And as he’d pointed out twice now, what didsheknow of motherhood, least of all mothering Lily? A crude reminder, perhaps, but nonetheless correct. He was right. Some risks weren’t meant to be taken.
“Father does know best.” She gave him a lopsided smile, trying to lighten the moment. “I’m just the governess. I’ll remember my place from now on.”
“You arenotjust the governess.” He leaned forward and gripped her shoulders, his expression shockingly intense. Her body thrilled at feeling his touch once again, dared to hope for more. “That is not what I meant at all. Your place is here, with... Lily.”
Her heart quickened as she gazed up at him, his eyes mere inches from her own. “I should stay in the sanctuary?”
“You should behere,” he answered gruffly. He pulled her to him and brushed his lips against hers.
Before he could change his mind, she grasped his shoulders, his hair, pressing their bodies ever closer and reveling in the sensation. She had longed for his kisses. Longed forhim. Dreamt that he longed for her, too.
If the night held a chill, she no longer felt it. Her senses were flooded with a thousand heady delights. The hard muscle of his arms, the warm breath against her lips, the stroke of his thumb against her cheek. He made her feel like she belonged. He made her feelneeded. As if he, too, could not bear to be apart.
She opened her mouth beneath his, letting him taste her, devour her. Anything to stay in his embrace. To feel cherished. With her arms locked about him, she tumbled to the ground, pulling him with her. She was pinned beneath him and still wanted more. He truly was magical.
Hoping he would not pull away, she ran her hands over the breadth of his shoulders, down the small of his back, to the tight curve of his breeches. His lips never left hers. She dreamed they never would. One strong hand softly cradled her head, whilst the other brushed against the lapel of her pelisse. Beneath the layers, her nipples responded, as if they could feel the touch of his fingers through the thin linen of her nightdress and the thick wool of her cloak. How lovely it would be if their clothes could just disappear, leaving nothing between them but their hearts and the night sky.
Perhaps he felt the same. With his mouth still on hers, kissing, licking, he pulled away just far enough to allow passage for his hand to rip open the pelisse and cup the sensitive breast beneath.Thiswas what she had been longing for. She gasped in pleasure. Her back arched, pressing her body more fully against his.
At the sound of her gasp, his eyes flew open in horror. He jerked his hand from her breast and threw himself from her as if she were an explosive in danger of detonating at any moment. To be sure, she had certainly felt as such. She reached out for him before it registered that he was staring at her in dismay, not desire.
Bereft, she fought the tightness in her throat. Her hand fell limply to the grass.
“Forgive me.” He looked away, then just as quickly back to her. “I should not have done that.”
“I did not mind.” She wrapped her arms about her chest and tried not to let him see her distress. For him, nothing had changed. Even though his kisses reached the deepest, loneliest part of her soul. She had experienced a true connection, and her heart yearned for more. Forhim. But he did not feel for her as she felt for him. He did not want her after all.
He reached for her. No—not for her. For the edge of her pelisse. To cover the bosom exposed by her drooping nightrail.
“I can do it.” She jerked upright, overlapping the edges of the pelisse and securing the ribbon. She could definitely feel that night chill now. The cold seeped into her very bones.
His black gaze glittered in the starlight. “You are clearly not ‘just the governess.’ Not to Lily, and not to me. But that does not give me the right to take advantage of you.”
Violet’s voice shook. “You did not take advantage. You did not take anything I didn’t freely give. Did you not feel me kissing you in return?”
He thumped his chest, eyes flashing. “Of course I did. I feel your lips on mine every time I close my eyes, every time I settle abed, every time I look at you. That’s my problem.Oneof my problems,” he amended, casting his gaze briefly heavenward. “Your arrival here was quite literally the answer to my prayers. You’ve been nothing short of an angel sent from God. It is my duty and my privilege to protect you, not despoil you.”
She nearly choked. She was the furthest thing from an angel she could imagine—and she had quite an imagination. If he had any designs on “despoiling” her, well, he was about fifteen years too late. And yet here he was, calling her the answer to his prayers, begging her forgiveness. Trying to protect an innocence she’d likely never had.
And yet, foolishly—selfishly—the idea of actually being the pure and innocent maiden he imagined her to be was so beguiling that she couldn’t bring herself to disabuse him of the notion.
She was not, and never would be, up to his standards. That much went without saying. But for as long as the illusion lasted, she would pretend there could be a future.
“I feel very protected,” she said softly, wishing she could touch his face. “I have never felt unsafe with you.”
“And you will not,” he promised. He pushed to his feet and held out a hand to help her up. “My lady?”
His lady. She placed her palm in his and forced a smile to her lips. How she wished it were true. How she wished it werepossibleto be true.
But he was a good man. Rich, landed, educated. Born on the right side of the blanket. Heprayed. His god even answered prayers, sent down angels to help those who deserved it. He was even idealistic enough to believe she was one of them.
She was none of those things. At a young age, her instinct for survival had fast outstripped any concern for ethics. Life had taught her good things simply did not happen to people like her. Hope was always snatched away.
She’d been penniless, homeless, right from the start. Born in a gutter, like as not. Definitely abandoned there. If she couldn’t secure the love of her own mother, how could she even dream of being worthy of anyone else’s love? She was patently not one of God’s chosen. He scarce concerned Himself with her prayers. He’d given her the Livingstone School for Girls and just as capriciously taken it away.
She gazed over at the man who placed more value in her imagined innocence than in his actual desires. Until this moment, she would never have believed such a man could even exist. Violet let out a slow breath. Soon it wouldn’t matter. The Waldegraves were yet another gift she could never hope to keep.
Chapter 20
