White hot fury burned through my veins, sizzling beneath the surface so intensely it wouldn’t have surprised me if flames danced to life along the tips of my fingers. Ripping that piece of shit’s head from his body hadn’t doused my thirst for vengeance.
I was drowning in my grief and felt myself viciously cycling through wanting to hide under my blankets and crying to wanting to lash out at anyone in my vicinity. While I’d lost people I cared about in my life before, there was something about losing Myrin that completely fractured me.
She had represented all that was good in this world. She was a beacon of strength I found myself drawing upon time and again, and now…
Now all I had was her memory.
“Ky, please talk to us,” Dakath pleaded from the side of my tub.
They’d all rinsed off in their rooms and changed into casual slacks and shirts before joining me here. We hadn’t shared a single word, and I knew they were waiting on me to open up the conversation. But what was there to say?
This felt like being stuck in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. How was I supposed to somehow pull myself together enough to help show the empire that me and my men were still a united, strong front? That we wouldn’t falter despite suffering such a devastating blow.
Shamelessly, I used the cover of the steam from the hot water to help hide myself from the world, keeping my knees drawn to my chest with my chin resting upon them as I stared aimlessly at the wall in front of me.
Myrin had wanted me to stay here to lead her people in her stead when they left for war originally. Did that mean she would have wanted me to try to lead them now too?
The thought alone nauseated me, and I gagged around the urge to lean my head over the side of the tub and heave up my empty stomach. I didn’t want to replace Myrin—I couldn’t possibly.
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally breathed out, forcing myself to try to come out of the void swirling blankly through my mind. Turning my head to rest my cheek flat atop my knees, I gazed at my three vampyres scattered throughout the bathroom. “I’ve known her the least amount of time out of all of us. I don’t want to make this about me and my grief because it’s about everyone who lost her today. Every friend, every advisor, and every citizen.”
“You’re right,” Elijah muttered. “It’s about the shared love and respect all of us had for her. And do you know what she would fucking loathe?”
I quirked an eyebrow, feeling his passion thawing away my numbness as he pushed to stand to his feet and leaned against the wall. “She’d hate that we were moping here when there is a war to be planned and won. She stood for freedom, justice, and equality, and this war, once won, will ensure her memory is honored.”
My heart squeezed at his words. I knew he was right—I just wasn’t sure if I had the strength to pick myself up and dust it all off yet. The memory of her blood soaking into my dress and warming my skin…The empty look in her dead eyes, held open in shock as they gazed up at me from the floor.
My eyes instinctively shuttered closed as my stomach churned with bile.
“The advisors are waiting for us in the meeting room,” Dakath muttered dejectedly from his perch on the counter.
Kolvar banged his head lightly against the wall behind him. “I don’t want to deal with all of the vultures who will be waiting nearby to try to claim the throne for themselves. I might actually rip their throats out for being such insensitive and greedy bastards.”
“That’s another thing we need to discuss,” Elijah said, pushing off the wall and coming to kneel in front of me. Reaching out, he trailed his fingers along the cheek I left bared to the cold realities facing me. If I could have buried my face in the water, swallowing the scalding pain with gasping breaths without one of them reaching in and pulling me out, I might have allowed myself to do so. If only briefly. “While I know it was an emotional andhorriblemoment, if you are to become an Empress or leader in any form, you will have to learn how to control your more base urges when there is something to still be learned from the enemy.”
When I thought back to ripping the head of the assassin from his body, I realized it felt like I’d experienced an out of body moment. Never would I have imagined I had it within me to do something so vicious to anyone, regardless of their crime. The spray of his warm blood washing over me and trickling into my eyes hadn’t phased me in the least, and that thought alone scared me. I didn’t recognize that version of me.
And I didn’t want to be her, a woman so disconnected and hazy that she didn’t think through the implications of her actions.
With a soft sigh, I lifted my head and nodded. I knew he wanted answers from the assassin, but at that moment, there were no answers worth leaving him breathing for a single second longer. I had acted in a blinding rage with single-minded focus.
“I’m sorry I lost control and took that opportunity away from us,” I answered with a grimace. The urge to bury my face in the water surfaced once more, and I sighed against it. “I can’t remember ever losing myself to such pain and aggression before. I can’t say I regret ripping the fucker’s head from his body, but I do regret acting in such a manner before we had the opportunity to glean any real information from him.”
Elijah’s hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “I know. Now let’s get you dressed so we can head to the meeting, okay?”
I was honestly surprised he’d let me off with only one stern remark about the situation. I’d fucked up and lost us a very important chance to get answers we so desperately needed, but I was appreciative that Elijah recognized my regret and desire to handle myself in a more composed manner moving forward.
As he reached for my towel, I stood, allowing the water to drip from my body, sluicing down my aching limbs as I let my regret run over my muscles as well. I walked into his open embrace, loving the feeling of him wrapping the cloth around me and holding me for a moment. Breathing in deeply, I closed my eyes and exhaled.
“When we were turned, it was incredibly hard to handle our emotions.” Kolvar admitted, pulling my attention toward him as I opened my eyes. “It’s something all young vampyres struggle with. You’ve handled everything relatively well up to this point, so I think we’ve all forgotten that your body has recently transitioned in its own way as a dhampyr.”
As Elijah pressed a kiss to the top of my head and released me, I took a moment to look at each of them, soaking up the power and stability they provided me, even in these horrible moments. If they could be steadfast in that, I needed to stop wallowing in self-pity.
“I will do better,” I swore, thinking of the moment Myrin told me she believed in my ability to lead. “I have no other option.”
***
Pushing through the doors to the council room, I caught a glance at the head of the table and emotion immediately clogged my throat, rooting my feet in place. Myrin’s chair was empty, and I was having a hard time picturing anyone else filling it.
