This whole time, I’d been sure that Grim was the only one responsible for her heartbreak.
But he wasn’t. In Merri’s eyes, we were all villains.
And now I was finally faced with the reality that, no matter what, we may never win her back.
Chapter
Eight
MERRI
Aside from the flaming streaks across the sky, Cole’s property was truly stunning. I could see why he came here to recharge, why his family kept the cabin and used it regularly. If I needed to get off the grid and away from people, this is where I’d come too. Each step I took on the path down to the lake centered me a little more, the crunch of twigs and leaves underfoot reminding me of simpler times. A little hint of normal during an anything but normal situation.
When I was a kid, I used to spend a lot of time in the backyard, playing pirate and hunting for buried treasure or pretending to be a brave adventurer seeking new worlds. No princess in her tower or damsel in distress for me. I’d been an only child, entertaining myself most of the time because my parents both worked full-time. I was the definition of a latchkey kid from far too young an age. It was kind of sad to look back and realize my solitary lifestyle never really ended.
Not until I was taken by the horsemen.
Nope, not going there, Merri. They never really wanted to be yours in more than duty. You were just a means to an end. Ajob. So there’s no point in dwelling on them. They aren’t worth your time, tears, or thoughts.
Easier said than done, but the hope was that if I reminded myself enough, it would become true. That’s what they said, right? Tell yourself a lie often enough and it turns into your reality?
God, I was fucking lonely. With no way to reach Andi, all I had was Cole, and as sweet as he'd been so far, I was too worried about killing him to lean on him for emotional support. That kind of connection was my gateway drug. Look at how things played out with Sin. Spooning leads to forking and all that. Emotional intimacy was a dangerous thing.
I could imagine what Andi would tell me.
“The last thing you want is for a client to break down your boundaries. If you fall in love, it’s all over, baby girl.”
“Tell me about it,” I grumbled, kicking a rock so hard it went flying down the path. I’d barely gotten a handful of days after admitting I loved the horsemen, and not even a full hour after realizing they were my soulmates, before it all came crashing down around me.
“It’s their loss. Idiots. You are a fucking delight, and they should be so lucky to be loved by you.”
“Yeah. You’re right.” My chest tightened at the thought. “Maybe I said too much too soon. I went too fast. I mean, men in general are rarely great when it comes to feelings or commitment. And these guys aren’t even technically men, which makes it an even bigger hurdle.”
Imaginary Andi snorted and scoffed immediately after. “Fuck that. You were exactly who you should always be. Yourself. It’s not a you problem, it’s a them problem, and if you were too much or too fast for them, it’s their fault. Not yours. It’s like I always say, if I’m not your cup of tea, don’t drinkme. They drank you right down, girl. It’s not on you that they couldn’t handle everything you gave them.”
Andi and her words of encouragement might be in my head, but the relief I felt at hearing them was not. The fist around my heart loosened its grip, and I was able to take my first full breath all morning.
“Thanks, Andi.”
I’m not sure why I was carrying on this conversation, or what it said about me, but fuck it. The world was ending. I could talk to my bestie if I wanted to.
My head swam as I walked onto the small dock, a sharp pain behind my eyes accompanying the dizziness. Dammit, I was starting to get hungry enough that we were going to have a problem. Cole had busied himself working in the mornings, dropping off meals and water at my door, and generally giving me my space, so his presence hadn’t tempted me too terribly. That was going to change soon.
No wonder Sin and I had dreamwalked. My succubus wanted to feed, and he was a surefire way to sate any hunger I had.
With the internet down and the whole “killing humans” part of my history, I wasn’t keen to find out what would happen when my succubus forced the issue. Fuck, I really hadn’t thought this whole escape to Cole’s thing through. I might have put him in far more danger than either of us realized.
Dreamwalks could be an option, but Lilith’s warnings about how they impacted humans were still true, so unless there was a way to keep Cole from becoming a mindless sex slave, I wasn’t convinced that was possible. And my pride would simply not allow me to run back to the horsemen. In our dreams or otherwise.
I wondered if it would be safe to visit Christian’s dreams? He liked me. I could probably tell him the truth of my situation and he’d be happy to help...
But again, did I want another soul bound to me simply because I needed to sustain myself? Because Iwasgoing to need to figure out how to sustain myself.
A cold sweat broke out across my skin, leaving me clammy and vaguely nauseated. It reminded me of the way I’d felt that time Grim found me in the wine cellar. The last thing I wanted was for Cole to find me passed out on his dock. If he touched me while I was out of commission, there was no guarantee I wouldn’t accidentally begin to feed.
I turned away from the lake and started the short hike back up to the house. What I needed was a nice nap, maybe a long soak in that tub I saw.
My breaths came in labored pulls as I closed the distance from the lake to the back patio. “Why are there... so... many... stairs?” I complained. The tragedy of it was, a few flights of stairs shouldn’t have bothered me. My stamina was way more impacted than it should have been, given how regularly I’d been feeding up until now.
