Do Ineedto have my gloves on right now? No, I don’t.
Is my hand, in fact, burning from where Chad held it? Yes.
But yanking them on is something to do to distract me from the way I liked how it felt. Saying he “held it” is misleading. Chad did not hold my hand. He helped me up. And because I haven’t held anyone’s hand in a long time, my brain is going nuclear.
Yes, my brain. It’s telling my hand that the touch meant something, when, in fact, it means nothing.
The unfortunate thing is that my brain also refuses to consider anything else happening as we follow the girls to the rink and skate behind them slowly. Over and over, the image of Chad holding out his hand and me sliding mine into his is slowly morphing into my own personalPride & Prejudicehand-clenching scene.
Oof.
Maybe I should go on a date.
Notwith Chad. He’s not the kind of guy you casually date.
When I get home to Nashville. One date, good conversation, some flirting. Get all of this out of my system so I can go back to focusing on myself.
Okay, that sounded wrong. Focusing on healing myself to be able to enter a future relationship in a healthy way.
Rushing into something because I get a little attention is exactly what got me into trouble with Caleb.
I force my brain away from the hand-holding moment and watch Zoey and Scarlett skate. A smile creeps up as they do careful turns, their skates rotating inch by inch around, and then they clap for each other.
“They’re doing so good, Chad,” I say. The girls I babysat after Shelby left acted out and were insecure. Scarlett wasn’t the encouraging, helpful big sister she is now. It’s amazing to see them feeling safe and blossoming.
Chad studies them for a moment in silence. “After last spring, I knew we needed to make a change. We’re all in therapy now. It’s still hard to manage what to tell the girls about their mom and what to leave out—you saw how they worried when I was sick—but we all feel better.”
“And is Shelby part of their lives—” I cut off and shake my head. “Sorry. Normally I’m better about drawing a line with friends and not treating them like clients. You don’t have to answer that. It’s just me prying.”
He chuckles, and I clench the hand that he held.Touched. He barely touched it.
Oh. My. Gosh. I am such a dork.
It’s just that his chuckle is deep and warm and very attractive.
Gah.
“I don’t mind you asking questions. It’s okay that you care. We’re friends.” He seems to force that word, and heat rises to my cheeks. He must be picking up on the crush vibes.They’re unintentional, Chad, I promise!I wish I could protest. “Plus,” he goes on, “you did have to put on your life-coach hat last night to help me.”
“That’s true.”
He frowns slightly, and I’m sorry for asking about Shelby fora different reason. It’s not just Scarlett and Zoey doing much better than the last time I was in Houston—it’s Chad too. Besides all the headache stuff yesterday, he’s been a lot more relaxed. He’s smiling more. It could be that he’s on vacation and not waiting for the next callout, but it feels like more. There’s a steadiness to Chad that’s part of the draw to him. The aura he gives off that he has stuff figured out. I, of all people, know thatno onehas it all figured out, but he’s confident in his choices. It comes from having lived life, made hard choices, and come out okay on the other side. I’ve never dated a guy before with that kind of sureness, and that’s probably because Chad is older than anyone I’ve ever dated before.
And yet that’s not the warning I’ve been telling myself it is.
It’s a magnet.
“Shelby doesn’t want any part of their lives,” he says. “She never actually did. She didn’t want kids, but everyone in our circle of friends was having them. Friends wouldn’t come over because our house wasn’t baby-proofed, or all they talked about was where they were getting their family coordinated Halloween costumes. Then one day she said we should have kids because that’s what was next—marriage and then babies. I don’t know, maybe she felt left out. But looking back, I think she only ever tolerated them.”
“That’s … heartbreaking.” I look to Scarlett, and despite the sadness filling my chest at Shelby not wanting her, I can’t help but smile softly. She’s holding Zoey’s hand over her head and helping Zoey do a careful twirl. I remember something Carlie said when I first met her, about how some women don’t want motherhood and there’s so much pressure. I feel for Shelby too, feel for how hard it must have been when all her friends were excited about their babies and she wasn’t. Her story is complicated, even though, for Chad’s sake, I want it to be black and white. But none of that excuses that she used drugs to escape and put her children in danger.
“I’m grateful to have them,” Chad says in a low voice that’sgruff with emotion. It makes my heart shimmy to hear him talk about his girls like this. “Sometimes I feel guilty—I knew she didn’t want kids, but I went along with her when she said she did. I genuinely thought she had changed her mind. She said she had. I trusted her. I should have known it wouldn’t turn out well—but then I wouldn’t have the girls …” He lets out a long sigh.
Instinctively, I reach over to touch his arm. “Do you think her addiction is your fault? Because you guys had kids when she didn’t want them?”
“No,” he says quickly. He glides forward slowly. “Kind of. A little.” He laughs dryly, his chin dipping in embarrassment. “My turn to apologize. For dumping everything on you.”
I drop my hand. His arm isn’t warm like it was last night when I was touching his bare bicep, but even through his puffy coat something’s tingling along my arm.
