"This is all so beautiful." My mother stood with me on the front porch of Emma and Deacon's cabin, gazing out over the neatly planted rows of vegetables and the trees beyond. "Emma and Deacon have built a beautiful home here."
"Yeah, they have," I agreed. “Although I'm not sure how much Deacon had to do with the building since he was overseas when the rest of us were working so hard. Still, they both made it more of a home. They’re happy here."
"And what about you?” My mother glanced at me. "You're living with Alison now at her house in that small town? What about your home?"
I shrugged. "I don't really know," I admitted. "I've had some thoughts, and a couple of ideas, but I don't want to make any big decisions until after the baby comes."
My mother eyed me. "Will you think that I'm interfering again if I ask how you and Alison are getting along?"
I sighed heavily. "No, it's not interfering. I just don't have a good answer for you. We’re …" I squinted, trying to figure out how to describe what was between Alison and me. "We're friends. We’re good friends, and we’re comfortable together. We get along well most of the time. We both agreed that out of love for the baby, we will always work hard to be partners. Co-parents."
She wrinkled her nose. "Call me old-fashioned but that's crazy," she declared. "Co-parents. What is that even supposed to mean?"
I wished I had a better answer to offer her than the one I struggled to give. "It means that we like and respect each other, that we both love our child, and that we are working together for the good of all of us." It sounded so sterile, so lifeless.
Mom leaned on the porch railing, staring out into the gathering twilight. "Noah, son, when you and Alison conceived this baby, did you love her?"
I hesitated. "I liked her," I said slowly. "And I saw the possibility of love. I saw the potential of it."
"And now?" Mom inquired. “Is the potential still there? Or did all of that vanish during the time that Alison couldn’t get in touch with you? When you were with Juliet, I mean."
I was silent for a long few moments. "I think," I began and then stopped. "I think I could love Alison. If she'd let me. Sometimes I look at her, Mom, and my heart just stops. I feel like everything that I thought was taken away from me once upon a time has been given back now with even more heaped on. I think if I gave myself permission, I'd fall head over heels in love with her and never look back."
"Then why don't you go ahead and take that tumble?" my mother asked. “I mean, why wouldn't you? You're living with the woman. You're having a child with her. You're practically a family already. Why are you holding back?"
"Because I don't think that's what Alison wants," I admitted. "She's terrified that if we go down that path, we’ll end up hating each other and that will ultimately be bad for the baby."
"Does Alison love you?"
I heaved a long sigh. "I don't know the answer to that. Sometimes I think she does. Sometimes she lets me in just a little, and I think of how amazing we could be together. But then she gets scared, and she shuts down. As long as I keep things light and friendly, she's relaxed and happy. So that's been my goal. I want her to feel comfortable and safe because that's the best thing for her and for the baby right now."
"And after the baby comes?" My mother angled her body to face me. "Then what, Noah? Will you continue living in the same house with her, just friends raising a child together? Will you move back to Tampa and shuttle that poor baby between the two of you?"
"Alison and I are both committed to doing whatever is best for our child," I argued. “I don't know what that looks like yet. I don't think either of us will know until after the baby is actually here. But wouldn't it be better for the child to be raised in an environment where there are two adults who respect and like each other instead of two parents who couldn't maintain a romantic relationship?"
"Who says that it has to be one way or the other?" Mom retorted. “Who says that if you fell in love with Alison and she fell in love with you that it wouldn't be the most wonderful thing in the world for all of you? Who says that falling in love is a bad idea?"
I rolled my shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension there. "You make it sound so simple, Mom. And maybe it is. Maybe because of everything that happened between the time Alison got pregnant and the time that I found out about it, we see the situation as hopelessly complicated. All I know is that I need her to trust me. And right now, she does. But if I let myself fall in love with her and then I let her down, that'll be the end. She'll never be able to even like me again. I'm not sure I can handle that."
My mother reached up to lay her small hand on my huge arm. "Son, just do me one favor," she said. "Keep an open mind. Don't tell yourself that it's wrong to love, because love is never a wrong answer. From what you've told me, Alison hasn't had many positive examples of love in her life. You have. You've been blessed with so much of it that you have enough to share with the woman who's having your baby. Be the one who shows her that love can be trusted."
My breath stuttered. I hadn't ever thought of it in exactly this way, but my mother was right. I had been acting as though Alison understood what love was the same way that I did. That wasn't only unfair, it was shortsighted. I've been so clueless.
"Mom, you may be the smartest woman in the entire world.” I leaned down and scooped her into a huge hug. “And I love you. You know that? I do. I know I've been a miserable son of a bitch lately, but I promise, I'm going to do better from here on out."
My mother laid her hand alongside my cheek, tears welling in her eyes. "What you're going to find out, my boy, is that no one can break your heart like your child can." She sniffed and then added, "But no one can make your heart swell with joy like your child can, either. You've always made Dad and me so proud. Nobody's perfect, and we’re all entitled to make some bad decisions. But love forgives, and love welcomes back home. As long as I'm alive, I'll welcome you back home."
I gave her another hug all the time my mind was whirling with possibilities.
I knew exactly what I had to do.
Chapter 12
Alison
"Have you seen my keys?"
I made my way carefully down the steps, intentionally not rushing even though I was running late for work. My balance had been crap lately which wasn't any surprise considering the fact that I was carrying an immense amount of weight out in front now. I'd learned to take my time going down the steps. Or suffer the consequences.
