“We weren’t reallytrying, but you know, a football player in the off-season . . . we had this week in the middle of the summer where it rained all day, every day. So when we put the kids down for their nap, we had to find something to amuse ourselves.” She shrugged. “And voila! Here’s baby number three.”
“That’s wonderful,” I echoed Emma’s sentiment, hoping it sounded like I meant it. I really did—I was glad for Darcy and Jackson, even if I wished like hell that it was me who had surprising news to share.
“Which brings us back to the original question—what’s happening with you, Alison? Are you seeing anyone?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been so consumed with keeping the practice on its feet after Dr. Johanson retired that between the office and working on my house, I haven’t had time for a social life.”
Emma pointed her finger at me, her head tilted and her eyes narrowed. “That’s a cop-out right there. You need to make time for friends—and for someone who’s more than a friend, too. I’m thrilled that the practice is running so well and that you love what you’re doing, but eventually, you’re going to want someone to come home to, Alison.”
I flinched, although I tried to hide how deep Emma’s words had hit me. “Not everyone is looking for that kind of happily ever after, Emma. Some of us have learned to be content with a life that’s even and satisfying. No rocking the boat, no drama, no pain . . . just peace.”
My friend gazed at me for a long moment, unblinking, and then she turned to Darcy. “Jackson must know someone on the team who’s single and would be good for Alison. You know, a guy who’s smart and funny and respects a woman with a really fabulous career of her own.”
I rolled my eyes. “Emma, did you hear what I just said? I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”
“I heard you.” She nodded. “I mean, he doesn’t have to be a football player, even. It could be someone who works for the team. I was just thinking that some of those players are super hot, and Alison needs someone who’s both sexy and cerebral.”
Darcy rested her chin on her hand and tapped her lips with one finger. “A lot of the guys are single, but most of them are not looking for long-term, you know. The younger ones are just out for a good time. They prefer the locker room Lolitas. Those are not the kind of man you want, Alison.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve gone mute and neither of you are hearing me, but just in case, let me reiterate that I’m not looking for a man at all.” I raised my voice just slightly, and the older ladies at the table next to ours glanced over, eyebrows raised.
“Oh!” Darcy looked intrigued. “Are you looking for a woman, then? Because I happen to have lots of friends who would be a perfect match for you if no penis is required. There’s a doctor at my practice who broke up with her girlfriend a few months ago, and I think she’s ready to date again. She’s really cute.”
“No.” This time I whispered, hoping that the listening ears next to us might lose interest. “I’m not looking for a boyfriendora girlfriend. Neither. No relationship, no commitment, no special someone. I’m enjoying this time when I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself. I know it probably sounds trite, but I need some me time.”
“Alison, I’d be one hundred percent on board with that if I thought it was true. But you’ve had years of being by yourself.” Emma lowered her voice and laid her hand on mine. “It’s been, what, three years since Tom died? And have you even thought about dating anyone else since then?”
I shook my head, resenting the fact that she’d brought up his name. “You might not remember this, but someone called me to a job in Florida where I was so busy that a daily shower became a luxury item. The idea of making the effort to meet and date someone when I lived in Harper Springs was laughable.”
“But you’ve been here for two years now, sweetie,” Darcy reminded me gently. “Plenty of time to meet someone special. But you’re not even trying, are you?”
I pulled my hand from beneath Emma’s and crossed my arms over my chest. “Neither of you have any idea what I’ve been through or—dammit.” I swiped angrily at my cheeks, where unexpected tears were sliding down. “You don’t know what it would cost me to put myself out there again, to make myself vulnerable. I haven’t had the kind of rosy life you both have had. Things don’t work out for me. Ever. I’ve been able to count on two things my entire life: medicine and myself. That’s it. There’s no supportive mom in my corner, no adoring father . . . no family, no place for a soft landing. There’s only me and my determination not to get shoved down again.”
The silence at the table in the wake of my outburst was deafening and painful. Darcy cleared her throat and stared at the table. Emma sat perfectly still, but I could see the glint of hurt in her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, I focused on keeping my tone even. “Look, I know you both mean well. But I don’t like feeling like I’m a charity case—poor Alison, who can’t get a boyfriend on her own. Or maybe, who can’tkeepone. I don’t want to put myself out there and start dating—even thinking about that gives me hives.” I shook my head. “And I know you’re both thinking that if I’d just be brave enough to give it a shot, I’d find someone and be happier in the long run. But don’t you see, for me, it takes all my brave just to get up in the morning and run my business. To take a gamble on my house—and I’m pretty dang proud of the risk I took there and how it’s paying off. You should come by and see it someday. It’s really turning into something pretty.”
Emma closed her eyes. “God, I’m sorry, Alison. I was only—I mean, you’re my friend, and I saw how happy you were with Tom. When I heard what had happened, my heart broke for you. I just—I hate to see you alone.”
I reached over to pat her arm. “I know your heart’s in the right place, Em. Truly, I do. Both of you—you’ve got everything you dreamed of, you’re in love, getting married, having babies . . . no one could be more excited for you than me. But I’ve finally come to a place in life where I can accept that those things aren’t for everyone. I’m so grateful for everything I get to do right now. I have my practice, the best patients in the world, a comfortable home . . . and amazing friends. Most people who started out the way I did—abandoned by their mothers and with fathers unknown—don’t wind up where I am. So I’m thankful, and I’m smart enough not to ask for more than that.”
Darcy bowed her head and leaned closer to me. “I’m sorry, too, Alison. I don’t know you as well as Emma does, but I made some assumptions—and you’re right, marriage and kids aren’t for everyone. I’m glad that you’re happy with your life, and I promise, I won’t try to meddle.” She shot me a tiny smile. “I’d really like to see your house some time, too. Jackson and I were talking the other day about how we want to move out of his condo—it was great when it was just the two of us, and even after the twins arrived, we made it work. The location is perfect, an equal distance to the stadium and to where I work. But Bayerton seems like a wonderful little town. Maybe we should take a look here—and maybe you could give us some insight into good neighborhoods, how to find the best house and all that.”
I nodded. “Sure. I’d be happy to help.”
The server returned to our table then to drop off the check—which Emma insisted on paying, since she said the tea had been her idea—and we busied ourselves with dividing the leftover goodies and packing them up.
As we left the tea shop, Emma snagged my arm, tugging me back toward her.
“Alison, I really am so sorry. I was messing around more than anything, just trying to see if we knew anyone you might—but anyway, it went too far, and that’s on me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’d never want to do that.”
I slid one arm around my friend’s waist. “No harm done, Em. Seriously. I might be just the tiniest bit sensitive about that area. It’s something I’m working on with my therapist. She’d probably applaud what you and Darcy said—she’s always bugging me to test the limits of my perceived happiness.” I rolled my eyes. “In other words, she thinks I’m settling for safe when I could be out there looking for stupendous.”
Emma laughed softly. “Once upon a time, I very nearly settled for safe, too. God, I’m so glad I had people in my life who didn’t let me do that.”
I cocked my head. “You mean Noah, don’t you?”
She nodded. “That guy’s one of my best friends and someone who’d lay down his life for me without even hesitating, but . . . there just wasn’t any fire between us. He wanted to make me happy, and I wanted to do the same for him. It wasn’t enough for either of us.”
