Before I could figure out what to say to him, another familiar figure appeared at his side, her pretty face alive with laughter. I hadn’t seen Sarah Jenkins for four years, since the summer after our high school graduation. I’d kept up with her on social media in the same vague way I’d been aware of other casual friends. But here she was now, in the flesh ... and the flesh looked good, I realized with an envious pang. Sarah was just as beautiful as ever, with her gorgeous curling black hair up in a high pony tail. Long tan legs stretched under her white shorts, and the festive red and blue striped tank top clung enough to look enticing without being trampy.
In comparison, I felt dumpy and sloppy—an absolute mess. The shorts I was wearing were an old denim pair that bagged around my ass and legs, and my T-shirt had a couple of holes in the hem. The neck was stretched out, and I couldn’t swear to how clean it was.
If my clothes were in bad shape, I hated to think about my body. I hadn’t shaved my legs since we’d gotten back from the shore. My hair had been bad enough when I left the Wellmans’ house, but after the open-windowed car ride, it probably looked like a rat’s nest. I bit down on my bottom lip and wished the tiled floor would open up and swallow me.
“Hey, Quinn.” Sarah sounded tentative. “It’s so good to see you.” She took a step forward, pulling me into an impulsive hug before I could stop her or wriggle away. “It’s been forever, hasn’t it?”
“Um ...” I rubbed my finger and thumb together absently. “Yeah, it sure has. How are you? You look great.”
“I’m good.” She nodded in that bobble-headed way of people who don’t know quite what to say. “I’m working in Washington now. Just came up for the holiday ... with, um, Leo.” She slid him a glance I couldn’t decipher, and I felt sick to my stomach.
God. They were together. I’d pushed Leo away one time too many, and he’d decided to find someone who wasn’t going to turn tail and run when things got rough. Someone who wouldn’t marry another friend just because she felt sorry for him. Someone who didn’t take for granted the idea that Leo would always be there, whenever she was finally ready.
“Are you coming to the picnic?” Leo spoke again at last. His voice was cool, and he was watching me guardedly. I couldn’t really blame him, given everything that had gone down between us during our last conversation.
“No.” I shook my head. “Nate can’t handle anything like that. He can’t even be out of bed very long anymore. Mark and Sheri were going to try to swing by, but then ...” I shrugged. “I guess they changed their minds. I’m picking up food for us to make at home.”
“Oh.” Leo shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “My mom said you might be by.”
“I thought you were back in Virginia,” I blurted out. “I didn’t think you were in town anymore.”
He rested one large hand on Sarah’s bare shoulder. “Like Sarah said, we just came up for the Fourth of July, to see family. We’re going back day after tomorrow.”
We.So it was true.
I managed to nod my head, proud that I wasn’t curled on the floor weeping. “That’s nice. I bet your mom’s glad to see you. Are Simon and Danny home, too?”
“Yeah, the whole gang. Simon brought Justine, too—remember the girl he’s been dating? I guess it must be getting serious.” The implication of his words seemed to dawn on Leo at the same time they filtered into my brain. If he assumed Simon was serious about Justine because he’d brought her to the Independence Day celebration, I’d have to think the same about his own feelings toward Sarah, the girl he’d brought home.
“That’s great. Well ... you all have a good time, okay? I better get moving. Sheri and Mark are going to wonder if I got lost.” I pointed at my empty cart. “Need to grab the food and get back to them. To Nate.”
There was no way I could miss Leo’s wince at the mention of our friend’s name. “Yeah, I guess so. Tell them I said hey, all right? And, uh, tell Nate ... I was asking for him.”
“Sure will.” It was all I could squeak out before I wheeled the cart around and took off for the front of the store, pushing it blindly, not really sure where I was going and hoping no one was stupid enough to step in front of me.
I’d just rounded the corner of the canned vegetables aisle when Leo caught up with me. “Quinn. Wait a minute. Hold on.”
I paused without turning around. “What do you want, Leo?” I was so stiff that I felt like I might crumble.
“Hey.” He gripped my shoulder, urging me to face him. I might have been gratified by his touch, but it occurred to me that this was the same hand that had been on Sarah’s skin moments before. I shrugged him off and took a few steps backward, away from him.
He scowled, withdrawing his hand and rubbing it over his jaw. “You look like hell, Mia.”
All the mad that I’d been harboring, the anger I’d just been pondering on my way to the store, bubbled to the surface. I no longer cared who had caused it—Sheri, Nate, Leo or even myself. No, I just let it go.
“Yeah? Hmm, I wonder why that could be? Maybe because I’m not sleeping. Maybe because I’m camped in someone’s living room, trying to figure out what I’m doing and how the fuck I ended up there. Maybe because I’m taking care of my friend who’s dying, and even though I hate doing it, hate worrying about medication and when he has to have it and all the other crap I have to do, stuff he wantsmeto do now instead of his mom, because I’m his wife—even though I hate all that, I don’t want to stop doing it, because when I do, I know that will mean he’s gone, and I don’t want him to die. I want this to be over, but I don’t. And I’m selfish and petty and I can’t ever do things as well as Sheri wants me to. I hate living with them, because I can never relax. But they want to spend their son’s last months on earth with him, so I can’t very well suggest we move into my mom’s house.” I swallowed, breathing hard after spitting out so much. “So yeah, I’m sure I look like shit. I’m sure I look even worse next to your girlfriend, but then, I guess she doesn’t sleep on a couch so she can be in the same room as her dying husband, huh? So maybe that gives me a pass on looking good today.”
“God, Mia.” Leo raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean ... I meant, I’m worried about you. You’ve lost weight, and you look exhausted. I wasn’t saying anything else.” He hesitated and then plunged forward. “And Sarah isn’t my girlfriend. You know that. We’ve been friends for a long time.”
“Since when does being your friend preclude being your girlfriend?” I said it pointedly and looked him straight in the eye for the first time. “I was your friend, too, for a long time.”
“You’re still my friend.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed. “It’s just hard right now, Quinn. It’s so fucking hard to be around you, when I know I can’t touch you. When I know I can’t have you. You’re still my friend, but you aren’t mine anymore. You’re his.”
I wanted to argue and yell and tell Leo he was wrong, but of course, he wasn’t. So I only nodded my head. “I get it. I understand. But you need to know something, too, Leo. I did this for Nate because I love him, and he’s one of my best friends. I’m not sure you can wrap your mind around that, because of all the other crap that’s tangled up around what happened. But remember this: I would have done the same thing for you, in a heartbeat.”
He stared down at me steadily. “The difference, Mia, is that I never would have asked you to do it. Not for any reason other than life-changing, heart-stopping, can’t-live-without-you love. If I thought you didn’t or couldn’t love me, I would walk away and leave you alone. I’d wish you the best and tell you that I only want you to be happy, because that’s the truth. But I’d never put you in a position where you had to choose to be with me out of pity.”
Closing my eyes, I leaned down on the handle of the cart. Everything in my life was suddenly too heavy to bear. I was too tired to fight Leo anymore, too worn down to make sense of a crazy situation, and too sad to try to make him see things from my perspective. “You’ll never know that for sure, Leo, because you’re not Nate. You were always the strong kid who didn’t get sick, who had friends—and then you were the Lion, the popular football star in high school and in college. You have no idea what Nate’s been through. Even I can’t really know that. But I can do my damnedest to make sure the end of his life is as good as it can get. That’s all I’m trying to do. I don’t want praise. I just want to get through this.” I flashed a glance up at him. “And a little help from my friends wouldn’t hurt.”
