“He’d made friends with a Jesuit priest a few years before. Neither Kara nor I were religious people, really, but this guy and Gunner met in the hospital and really hit it off. They’d had some deep talks about the transition of death. Gunner told us that he believed he’d never really be separated from us, because once he’d crossed out of this world, time and space would no longer have meaning. So although we’d perceive the time between his death and our own, on this side of the divide, to him, it would be simultaneous.”
“The last thing he said to us was, ‘I’ll see you on the other side in just a minute.’” Kara smiled through tears. “He passed a few hours later, but I believe that for him, it’s as he said. When we meet again, it’ll be as though no time has gone by at all.”
A drop of salty tears slid over my lips, surprising me. I hadn’t realized I was crying with them. “Do you really think that’s what it’s like?”
Allan lifted one broad shoulder. For a guy who’d been out of the game for over a decade, he was still in killer shape. “I don’t know. But if it was good enough for Gunner, then it’s good enough for me. Besides, in the absence of any hard proof either way, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to default to what gives us comfort.”
I nodded. “That makes sense.” Using the tissue I’d wadded up in my hand earlier, I wiped my eyes. “I wish I’d known Gunner. I feel like I do, through what you’ve told me, but he sounds like he was an incredible kid.”
“He was.” Kara grinned. “Now don’t get me wrong. He wasn’t perfect, by any means. He had his moments when he drove us crazy. One of the things both Allan and I learned through counseling after Gunner died was how important it is not to re-write history and make the person who passed away into some kind of saint. We need to remember people for how they were, not for how we wish they were.”
I sat back in my chair. “That’s ... really interesting. I think over the past few months, I haven’t let myself think of Nate as anything but the guy who’d do anything for me. The one who stuck by me all the time.”
“And I’m sure he was,” Kara agreed. “But from an outsider’s point of view, I have to say that what he asked of you was a little selfish. I mean, I understand from what you’ve told us that Nate loved you. And I get that he wanted a taste of normal life, a little bit of what might have been, before his time was over. But he put you into a horrible position. There was no good choice to make, and although you chose what many people would probably consider the more noble one, Nate had to have known what it was costing you.”
“I think he did. Maybe that’s why he was trying to talk to me about the future. He might have felt a little guilty about everything toward the end ... and he was trying to point me in the right direction for afterward.”
“But see, Quinn, you’re doing it again. You’re justifying Nate’s behavior. There comes a point where you have to admit to yourself that he was wrong to put you in that position in the first place, no matter how he might have tried to make up for it later. It doesn’t mean you have to stay angry at him, but you can’t forgive him until you acknowledge it.”
I swallowed hard, my eyes fastened on the texture of the taupe carpet that covered the floor. “But he’s gone. How can I blame him or forgive him now? And what good will that do?”
“For him, nothing.” Kara’s voice was crisp. “Nate doesn’t need it. From everything you’ve told me, he ended his life in perfect peace, with no worry or regrets, and that’s a wonderful gift you gave him. Now it’s time to give yourself the same peace. Admit how you feel about what Nate did, and then move on.Youare the one who needs it.”
My hands were shaking. “I ...” Licking my lips, I started over. “What Nate did was crappy. By asking me to marry him when we both knew he was dying, he made it almost impossible for me to say no to him.” A surge of old anger welled up in me. “I’ve been mad at him for doing it and mad at me for not telling him so. And I’m fucking mad at myself for saying yes. I don’t know why I did.”
Allan gripped my shoulder. “But you did, and it’s over. One of my biggest lessons after Gunner died was letting go of the should-haves and could-haves. Once he was gone, beating myself up was a lot easier than dealing with the grief. I had to learn to move on, knowing I did the best I could under the circumstances. You need to do that, too. What you did for Nate was beautiful, Quinn. Kara and I talk about it a lot, thinking about what we might have done if Gunner had been older and had had someone like you in his life. Would either of us have been strong enough to tell our son he had crossed a line? I don’t know. But you’re a young woman with a tremendous capacity for love and compassion and friendship, and marrying Nate was something you did out of that capacity. It wasn’t wrong. But maybe it wasn’t right, either.”
Kara gathered me close to her and hugged me tight. “This is all a process, sweetheart. Allan and I learned a long time ago that things happen as they’re meant to, and we think you’re here in our lives for a reason. Gunner ...” She closed her eyes, and I could see the struggle in her expression. “He was here with us for a short time. When we got the idea to start the restaurant in his name and to use the proceeds to create the charity, we felt like his life hadn’t been without meaning. When we decided to write this book, it was another way of keeping him alive. And each time we use what we learned over the course of Gunner’s life to help someone else, he’s not completely gone. He’s still with us. You’re an integral part of maintaining his legacy now. You won’t forget him, just like you’ll never forget Nate.”
Quinn:Hey, are you busy?
Leo:No. Just laying here hoping to die.
Quinn:Why?? What’s wrong? Are you okay?
Leo:Yeah, sorry. Spring conditioning is brutal. Just got back home, made it as far as my couch. Not sure I’ll move again tonight.
Quinn:Oh, you poor thing. What did they make you do?
Leo:Sprints. Bear crawls. Burpees. You know, the trifecta.
Quinn:Yikes. I’ll let you rest. Text me later if you have a minute.
Leo:No, I’m fine. As long as I’m laying here hurting, I might as well chat with you.
Quinn:Ummm, thank you?
Leo:LOL no, no, no, didn’t mean it that way. Just that talking to you distracts me from feeling bad. What’s up? You all right?
Quinn:Yeah, I am. I just ... I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, Leo. I never really said that to you, but I am sorry. I spent a lot of time today talking with Kara and Allan about Nate. I guess I finally admitted to myself how mad at him I’ve been.
Leo:Mad at Nate? For what, dying?
Quinn:No, for asking me to marry him. For forcing me into that choice.
Leo:Okay. Ah ... I’m not sure what to say here.
Quinn:You don’t have to say anything. I needed to tell you this, but you don’t owe me a thing.
