“No. Weren’t you listening at all? It’s taped to the front of the cabinet, where all the medicines are, except for the ones that have to be refrigerated. You’ve got to pay attention, Quinn. This is important.”
Whether it was what she said or the edge in her tone, I lost it, dropping my head into my hands and sobbing.
“God, Mom. What did you do?” On the couch, Nate struggled to sit up.
“Hey, what’s happening?” Mark appeared in the doorway, frowning. “Why is Quinn crying?”
“Mom yelled at her.” Nate glared at his mother.
“I didn’t yell.” Sheri threw up her hands. “But this is important. I don’t see how I’m supposed to feel comfortable leaving you, Nate, with someone who can’t be bothered to keep your medications straight. To pay attention when I’m just trying to—”
“Sheri.” Mark spoke in a level, careful voice. “Come on, now. Calm down.”
“Let’s be realistic here.” Nate sounded weary. “If I miss some meds, it’s not going to make much difference either way, is it? So we don’t need to make it a big deal.”
“It can affect how you feel now. Your quality of life.” Sheri was stubborn, and she wasn’t going to let this go. “You could get sick.”
“You know what?” Mark leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t think I feel like going to the Taylors’ barbecue after all. I’d rather have some of my world-famous Buffalo dogs right here. What do you say, Sher?”
I could practically feel the tension melting off the woman across from me. “That sounds perfect. We can all eat together. I’ll just run out to the grocery store to get what we need.”
“No.” Mark shook his head. “Why doesn’t Quinn go? I’ll give her a list.”
I was so pathetically grateful for the chance to get out of the house that I almost cried all over again. Mark met my eyes, and in his face I saw understanding and compassion. I wanted to hug him.
“Oh. Okay, sure.” Sheri managed a smile. “Want me to go with you?”
“No, that’s okay.” I jumped up. “You stay here and ... relax.” A thought occurred to me. “What would you say if I invited my mom to come over to eat with us? I don’t want her to be alone today, and if you aren’t going to Lisa and Joe’s house, she might like coming here.”
“Of course. This is your home now, too.” With the anxiety of leaving her son’s well-being in my hands now a non-issue, Sheri was prepared to be magnanimous, apparently.
“Quinn, I’m texting you the list.” Mark handed me some folded bills. “And if there’s anything else you want, go ahead and get it.”
“Thanks. I’ll be back soon.” I blew Nate a kiss and headed for the front door before anyone could stop me. I was pretty sure I looked like hell—lack of sleep plus crying left me with puffy eyes, I was wearing absolutely no makeup, and my hair was up in a messy bun—but I didn’t give a crap. I was out of there.
The silence in my car was absolutely blissful. I drove slowly down the side roads of my hometown, smiling as I saw the red, white and blue bunting on some of the houses. Eatonboro had the best Fourth of July parade, and I’d missed it the last three years. It made me sad; the last time I’d sat curbside watching the floats, the antique cars and the endless local marching bands, it had been mere weeks after my father had died. I’d been with Leo and Nate that day, I recalled. Leo had carried two lawn chairs from my house to the edge of the parade route, five blocks away. After he’d set them up, Nate had taken one, and Leo and I shared the other, with me nestled between his muscled thighs. Leo’s arms had been wrapped around me as I’d leaned back against his chest, feeling safe and protected—and just soright.
With a sigh, I forced myself to pay attention to where I was going. There was a grocery store only about five minutes from Nate’s house, and I was pretty sure I could get everything on Mark’s list there.
On the other hand, there was a bigger store about fifteen minutes away. Fifteen minutes in the car, a minimum of fifteen minutes in the store shopping, and another fifteen minutes driving back to the house meant at least forty-five glorious minutes on my own, in peace. I could justify the extra distance, because the larger superstore would also have lower prices. Armed with that excuse, I made the decision and turned toward the further away shop.
Once I’d cleared the main part of town, I cranked the radio up, rolled down the window and floored it, singing along at the top of my lungs. There was something beautifully cathartic about putting on my own show, alone, letting out all of my frustrations, regrets and anger.
Yes, I had to admit to myself, there was anger in me. I wasn’t sure who it was aimed at: maybe Nate’s mother, who was driving me absolutely bat-shit crazy, or possibly Nate himself, although I told myself I wasn’t being fair. I’d agreed to marry him. I’d promised him these months of my single-hearted devotion, and it wasn’t right for me to resent that now. But if I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that part of me was furious with Nate for making the request. He’d known, as well as he knew me, that once he’d said the words out loud, asking me to do my dying friend one last favor, I couldn’t say anything but yes. It had been inevitable, because I’d never denied Nate anything it was in my power to grant him.
There was a strong possibility that I was the angriest with myself, I realized, as I slowed the car and turned into the grocery store’s parking lot. Why hadn’t I thought about this longer? Why hadn’t I told Nate that I’d be with him, as his friend, for every minute up to the end, but that marrying him was out of the question? Saying yes was the latest in a lifelong habit of giving Nate what he’d wanted ... and, I thought with a sinking heart, that same habit had meant putting Leo in second place. I’d told myself last spring that since Leo and I hadn’t been together at that point, I hadn’t owed him anything.
I could still see the pain in Leo’s eyes at Matt’s funeral, when he’d begged me not to go through with it. He’d offered me every way out there was, but stubborn fool that I was, I’d refused. As I slammed the car door and meandered through the automatic doors into the grocery store, I wondered what I’d do today if I had the same choice.
He’d certainly made it clear where he stood the morning after the wedding, when I’d tried to talk with him. I’d wanted to apologize for asking him to be at the ceremony, to tell him I was sorry I’d put all of us through this ... and maybe there’d been some small part of me that wanted Leo to promise he’d wait for me, as idiotic as that sounded now, in the harsh light of day.
No, Leo had left me no doubt about his feelings. He wasn’t going to wait. We were over, and although we’d had so many ups and downs together, a numb emptiness deep within me whispered that this time, it was for good. It hurt, but I couldn’t blame him. I’d pushed him away, not just now, but back when I’d left him in Carolina. It was all my fault.
The basket I wrangled from the cart pickup seemed okay when I started out, but the further in I got, the more it shook and squeaked. If there was anything that drove me up a wall, it was a defective shopping cart. I paused in the produce department, in front of the tomatoes and corn on the cob, trying to decide if it was worth it to go all the way back and find a new basket or if I should just suck it up and stick it out.
“Quinn?”
At the sound of my name, my head jerked up, and my heart began to pound. Rounding the aisle, with his arms full of hotdog and hamburger buns, Leo stopped, frowning at me, as though my very existence here in this time and place didn’t quite compute.
