Leo stared into my eyes, but for the first time in years, I couldn’t see past the guarded shell. For a long moment, he didn’t move.
And then he glanced away, focusing on a spot over my shoulder. His jaw set, and his throat worked as he swallowed.
“No.”
I remembered once when I’d been carrying a basket of dirty clothes down the steps from my bedroom to the laundry room. At the bottom of the stairs, I’d thought I was already all the way down, and I’d stepped forward, expecting solid floor, when instead there was only empty air. Panic and dizziness had sent adrenaline racing through my blood.
And that was exactly how I felt now hearing that single syllable fall from Leo’s lips. The solid ground I’d been counting on suddenly wasn’t there, and I didn’t know how to move forward. I eased myself onto the floor, hugging my knees to me.
“Quinn, I’m sorry.” Leo still wasn’t looking at me. “I wish I could say something different. I know what you want to hear, and God, I wish I could say it.” He started to speak again and then stopped, as if the words had fled.
“Why?” I whispered. “Don’t you ... has something changed? Is there someone else?” I didn’t want to ask the question, but I had to know.
Slowly Leo shook his head. “No, there’s no one else. How could there be? But Quinn, we can’t just keep falling into this. We’re not kids anymore. I can’t do this again, this fucking dance where I leave you and then you leave me. This isn’t a game.” He paused. “And as much as I don’t want to say this, right now everything is stacked against us.”
“What do you mean?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“You haven’t dealt with Nate’s death yet.” Leo held up one finger, ticking off his points. “You’re still figuring out how to cope with everything—you told me yourself that was true. And you’re looking for someone to give you a way out. I don’t want to be your escape route.” He tapped his two fingers against the other fist. “Then there’s the fact that nothing’s changed since you left me back in Carolina. I’m still a football player, only now I do it for a living. You couldn’t handle that two years ago. What’s different now?”
I had arguments I could make, but I had a feeling none of them were going to stand up to the calm finality I saw on Leo’s face.
“But I don’t want to lose you, Leo. I can’t. I don’t know what to do next. I can’t see where I’m supposed to go.”
He nodded. “I understand. It’s scary, when everything feels unknown. But you have to take a step, and then another, and see where they all lead. You’ll never know if you keep standing still.”
“I thought coming down here was taking a step.” I truly had. I hadn’t let myself think beyond the surety that Leo would take me into his arms and promise to be mine forever.
“Maybe it was. Maybe you had to ... cross this possibility off your list before you could move on to where you’re supposed to go.”
Pain squeezed my heart. Leo was rejecting me. He was turning me down, sending me away, telling me that he didn’t want me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I flashed back to high school, when he’d broken my heart in an effort to protect me. That day, I’d thought I’d never hurt so badly ever again. Turned out I was very, very wrong.
“You need some time, Mia.” Finally, he let his gaze wander back to me again. He reached out to touch my face, thought better of it and dropped his hand onto his leg. “You have to figure out what you want, once and for all. I’m not going to be the consolation prize or the safe choice. I’m not going to be the guy who picks up the pieces. I want you to choose me because I’m who you want, not because I’m convenient and familiar. We’ll never work if that happens.”
My lip trembled, and when I sank my teeth down, trying to keep it still, I was surprised to taste salty tears. I hadn’t realized that I was silently crying.
“I feel like ...” My breath hitched on a sob. “Like you’re punishing me for marrying Nate. For choosing to do what he asked.”
“No.” He was shaking his head even before I finished speaking. “I’m not going to say I think you were right. You already know that’s not true. But I’m not punishing you, Quinn. I just want you to stop and think about why you did it. Why you always chose Nate over me. I want you to try to be honest with yourself for one goddam second, so that maybe ... someday ... we might have a chance.”
“But not now.” It wasn’t even a question.
“No, not now.” Leo’s fingers were curled into fists on his legs.
I pushed against the floor, standing up on unsteady legs. “I should go. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I took a step back and clung to the top of the chair behind me. “I’ll call a taxi, and maybe we can just forget about this.”
“You can’t go anywhere tonight, Quinn.” Leo rose, too. “I have an extra bedroom. You can stay here. There won’t be a train until the morning now, and you don’t know your way around Richmond.”
“I’ll have the cab drive me to a hotel. There’s got to be something.”
“Sure there is.” Leo nodded. “But getting a cab out here, at this time of night, is going to be a pain in the ass. I could drive you somewhere, but I’d really rather not. It’s stupid to go pay for a hotel when I have plenty of room.”
“I don’t want to impose.” I held myself stiffly. Right now, all I want to do was to get away from Leo and the pity I was certain I’d see in his eyes.
“You won’t be. You’ll be doing me a favor, staying here so I don’t have to drive you anywhere.” He pointed to the doorway. “Come on. It’s just down this hall. I’ll show you around, and then you can get some rest.”
The need to run away consumed me. I was mortified and hurt and—yes, angry, too. Whether it was at Leo or myself, I hadn’t figured out yet. But I knew I’d never sleep here, with both of us under the same roof. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d spent a night in the same house without being in each other’s arms.
But what he’d said made sense. Arranging for a cab to come out here, get in through the guard gate and then take me to a hotel when I didn’t even know where I was going would be a giant mess. Then there was the possibility that someone might talk about Richmond Rebel Leo Turner getting late-night visits from a strange woman. I couldn’t run the risk of exposing Leo to any kind of rumor or innuendo.
