“More than just sometimes. I promise.”
He nodded, though it was barely perceptible. “I want you to promise something else. And it’s important, although you probably won’t think so right now.”
“Okay.” I sat down again, this time at the foot of the bed. Nate shifted his feet over to make more room for me, and I smiled. Even at this stage, he was aware of my comfort, trying to accommodate me.
“After I’m gone, things might be hard on you. You’re going to be upset. Sad. And you might think Leo is the answer, and you might be tempted to run to him.”
My shoulders stiffened. I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d been clinging to the idea that Leo would be there to put me back together after Nate passed. It didn’t surprise me that Nate already knew that.
“And I get that, Quinn. But please ... give yourself some time, okay? Don’t jump into anything. Stop and ... maybe get to know Quinn a little better.” He wiggled his foot against my hip. “She’s pretty awesome, you know. But the last five years have been tough on her.”
I pressed my fingers to my forehead. “Time, huh? Are you saying I need to find myself, Nate?”
He didn’t smile. “Maybe. And it might mean ... going away. Not forever, but for long enough that you can figure out what it is you really want. And what you need. You haven’t always been fair to Leo, you know? So if you decide you want to be with him, you better be sure this time. You shouldn’t break his heart again. He really loves you, Quinn. He’d do anything for you. I don’t think you always understand that.”
Bringing up my knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs. “I don’t think I understand what you’re saying. It’s Leo who’s broken my heart. He’s the one who ... who chose football over me.”
Nate sighed, his chest rising and falling. “That’s not fair or accurate. Did you ever ask Leo to stop playing football?”
I fiddled with a thread on the blanket. “Not in so many words, no. But if he knows me so well and loves me like he says, I shouldn’t have to ask him. I shouldn’t have to put him in that position.”
“So you want Leo to give up something he loves, something that’s part of him, his way of living and his livelihood ... but you want it to be his idea? Sounds to me like you don’t want to take responsibility for letting him know how you feel. That isn’t fair, Quinn, and you know it.”
“When I left him down in Carolina that summer—there wasn’t any better choice. I was in an impossible place. I could stay down there and hide, because Leo the Lion wasn’t supposed to have a girlfriend, or I could walk away with a little bit of dignity. I made the only logical decision.”
Nate coughed, turning his head toward the wall, and I jumped up to get him a glass of water. I held the straw to his lips as he sucked in the liquid and nodded his thanks, clearing his throat before he spoke again.
“And just how happy did that decision make you? Did that dignity keep you warm at night?”
I scowled, turning my back to Nate. “I didn’t know ... it was only supposed to be a break. I just wanted some space, to let all the fuss over Leo die down. But it never did.”
“And Leo never came after you, did he? He took you at your word. He was devastated, Quinn. You think you were in an impossible place? Leo was in a no-win situation. You wanted him to do something that ultimately wouldn’t have made you happy.” He let his head loll to the side and fastened me with a tolerant if pointed gaze. “Remember the summer after freshman year? When you decided to work down here, and Leo was upset? You admitted back then that you’d put him in a position where he had to do things your way or end up pissing you off.”
“I remember.”
“So all I’m saying is that I hope you’ll think long and hard about what it is you want from life, from Leo and from yourself before you commit to trying again with him. Right now, you don’t want to think about that. But eventually you will. I hope you’ll think about what I’ve said when you do.”
I heaved out a long breath. “Okay.”
He smiled at me, this time both sides of his mouth curling up. “Is that a promise? You’re not just saying it to placate me?”
“No. I mean it.”
“Good.” He seemed to relax, to fade back against the pillow again, as though the effort of our conversation had worn him out, which it probably had. “Might doze a little before the game, ‘kay?”
“Sure.” I stood up, moving restlessly around the room, fixing Nate’s covers and adjusting the blinds until I was sure he was asleep again. When his breathing was even, I slipped out into the living room and clicked on the television, keeping the volume low.
The stadium in Philadelphia appeared on the screen, and as I’d guessed, snow flurries filled the air, frosting the players just coming out onto the field as well as everyone in the seats. I found my phone and texted my mom, asking her if they were keeping warm.
When the phone buzzed, I assumed she was answering me. Instead, though, I saw Zelda’s name on the screen.
Zelda: Hey, doll. You watching the game?
I sighed, wondering if she was at the stadium, too. As glad as I was that Leo had so much support, I couldn’t help feeling a little like Cinderella, forced to stay at home while everyone else went to the ball.
Quinn:Just turned it on.
I’d no sooner hit reply than another text from her flew across my display.
