“That’s right. Thank you so much, Logan. She told me. I forgot when I saw you. When I’m seeing you. Right now.Anyhow…” I brushed a hand through the air like I was trying to catch a butterfly. I didn’t know why. “She says it feels like the doctor replaced her uterus with a porcupine. I’m here to run the bar and T and A.”
“T and A?” His eyebrows rose in surprise.
“No.” I put both hands up this time, as if trying to stop a truck.I am ridiculous.“I’m not running tits and ass. That is not appropriate. Those are not the right words. It’s her Lady Whiskey’s T and A Christmas Burlesque Show, but she says the T is for Christmastinsel,and the A is forAllI Want for Christmas Is Santa.”
He was trying not to laugh again.
“I know. It’s an unbelievable name. She’s already put it out there, so now I get to deal with it.”
“You have to organize the Christmas burlesque show? Even though you just got here?”
“Yes. I do.”
“Well, as least you know what to do. You helped your mom with her annual Christmas show for years. I remember you were so organized. You ran it well.”
“I don’t want to do it.”
“No?”
“No. I wanted to come home and take care of her and then go home to Oregon.”
He nodded. There was sadness in his eyes. I saw it before he hid it. I understood. I thought I was going to start crying at any second. I probably would. I can’t hide my emotions like he can. Soon, I’d be a blubbery mess, and Logan would be Logan and give me a hug, and I’d cry all over that wide chest of his, as I’d done a bunch of times before.
“Who’s going to run the bar?” he asked.
“That’s me, too.”
“You’re running the bar and putting on the Christmas burlesque show?”
“Don’t say all that in one sentence. It makes me jittery and nervous.”
“I don’t want to make you jittery or nervous.”
His voice was so…deep and soothing. “You’re already making me jittery and nervous.”Shut your mouth, Bellini. Shut it.Put your hand over your mouth, and don’t speak.“I shouldn’t have said that. I should shut my mouth.”
“Please don’t. Say whatever you’re thinking, or I won’t recognize you.”
He grinned, and I thought,I think I’ll melt. Like Frosty the Snowman.Thankfully, I did not say that. He made me nervous, but maybe that was desire masked by nervousness. Maybe it was his hotness. I wanted to hold him and see what he looked like naked now that he was older.Stop it, Bellini!
I saw people behind him working on the lights for the Christmas tree. Logan and I used to go to the tree lighting every year along with our friends, wagonloads of my cousins, and my mom and her six sisters and their spouses. I missed that. Missed holding hands with him and how he’d give me a kiss…
“Bellini?” he said. He was standing closer to me. “Bellini? Are you okay?”
I jumped out of my daydream. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“How do you like living in Oregon?”
It’s quiet. It’s lonely. I miss you and try not to think about you as much as possible. At least I don’t have memories of you there. But I can’t live here, because seeing you like this, it’s shredding me. I hoped I could come back and see you and not have this reaction. I thought I could move on, that you would be different, that my reaction would be different, but I was wrong.“I…I like it.”
“Good.”
We locked eyes, and there was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him the truth, couldn’t tell him why I’d stopped seeing him. I thought I saw his eyes mist with tears, but I wasn’t sure, because I couldn’t see through my own misty tears. I struggled to speak. I told myself I’d make a list of ways I could avoid Logan so I wouldn’t have to go through this tidal wave of pain again.
“I brought my cats here with me.” Why was I talking about my cats?
“How many do you have?”
“Four.”
